Tag Archive | loss

The Yo-Yo of Grief & Holidays

Nov22

Most grievers go through…and understand…the yo-yo cycles of grief.

You dread the holidays…then you desperately want to have the ability to enjoy the holidays…then you agonize about the holidays…then you go through a period of time where you just wish holidays could be normal again…and then you may feel guilty when you do enjoy the holidays…then you feel weird…then come to peace about it…and the grief cycle can spin you again out of nowhere…and so on…and so on…and so on.

The thing about grief: nobody who is going through grief signed up for it.

The harsh emotional turmoil.

The guilt.

The regrets.

The crazy emotions.

Nobody in their right mind would even wish it on their most annoying enemy. I know I wouldn’t.

My holiday yo-yo began several years ago…and I sure have learned a lot about God, grief, life, family, friends, and overcoming grief ever since.

Several years ago, my 22 year old sister died on Thanksgiving Day.

It shouldn’t have happened…she had everything going for her: she was married and she was a mom to three beautiful children who she loved with all of her heart. She adored and enjoyed being a mom so much that she was trying to have another baby. An amazing pianist, she had taken piano lessons at a university since elementary school since no teachers in our area could keep up with her talent. An accomplished baker, she and I had been going to several baking and candy workshops since we were in the process of opening our very own bakery and chocolatier…that way we could always have a flexible schedule and have our kiddos with us. She had everything in the world going for her.

But then she got sick. Really, really sick. Really, really fast.

That Fall, we were all on vacation having the time of our lives…a month later, she began to have allergy-like symptoms, and then within a few weeks of feeling ill, she suddenly and unexpectedly died of Wegener’s Granulomatosis (GPA) – a very rare autoimmune disease that was only named in 1939.

Thanksgiving – for years – was never the same…and believe me, I really tried…for over a decade.

During those tough years, I tried vacationing during Thanksgiving to get my mind off of it – to no avail. Then I tried going on a Disney vacation…the happiest place on earth…and during that trip, I had to go to the Urgent Center since I was so sick. In fact, the first several years after my sister’s death, I’d wake up every year around 4am and become violently ill. There had never been a Thanksgiving I hadn’t gotten sick or felt major anxiety for years…until God revealed to my heart a major breakthrough for my holiday grief.

As I pieced together the reasons for my anxiety each Thanksgiving (other than the obvious), I sought God in deep prayer. The last Thanksgiving morning my sister was alive, she had her nurse call us around 4am and ask us to immediately come to the hospital to be with her. We threw our clothes on and got there…only to be blocked from seeing her by her medical team.

Then the Code Blue came…and they revived her. And then the final Code Blue came…and she was gone.

My body remembered the 4am time – and that whole morning – which created major anxiety every year…which created the perfect storm for becoming anxious and ill each Thanksgiving from 4am-10am — the time of being up at the hospital, the code blues, and her death.

After seeking God, He lovingly reminded me that I’m putting too much on myself…and to give all of my tough emotions and anxiety to Him.

I had no control over making it to the hospital on time.

I had no control over my sister’s death.

I couldn’t have saved her no matter how hard I tried.

Although she died young, it was simply God’s timing for her to go Home to Him.

My sister wouldn’t choose to come back to earth…she’s beyond blissful and happy – in absolute perfection, joy, and paradise – with her Savior.

As I shared my heart with God about how difficult Thanksgiving is…He gave me an idea: put all of my Christmas decorations up by November 1, so I can just go straight into the Christmas season.

It is also a great time with God, since I share the last moments of each day during November and December by the Christmas tree talking with Him about my day each evening.

I still celebrate Thanksgiving with my family…and I am extremely thankful for God, my family and friends, and all of life’s blessings…but this solution has helped me to not focus on the days leading up to Thanksgiving.

Although I am super thankful for life, loved ones, and every blessing God lovingly grants me – and although I put on a happy face for the sake of my remaining loved ones…mostly my sweet mom and the kiddos in my life – I still don’t like Thanksgiving.

But I can choose to be grateful for it each year.

I no longer allow Thanksgiving to hurt my heart…I, instead, reflect on my sister’s life and I choose to be so very grateful for the time I was blessed to have her here on earth.

Through giving my heartache, grief, and pain to God, He has been so very faithful to heal my heart.

I will always love and miss my sister…she was so beautiful and amazing I will never forget her…but God has truly helped me through my hardest years.

And I look forward to remembering her each year in a beautiful way instead of a sad way.

I remember the very first year that I actually looked forward to Thanksgiving.

I was still feeling anxiety about Thanksgiving, but I was super grateful for the progress of my grief. And it felt good to not experience the yo-yo of grief – especially from all the years I tried so desperately to run away from the days leading up to Thanksgiving.

I’d spent many years going back and forth trying to make my heart feel something it just didn’t feel…I just needed time.

I encourage grievers to feel what they need to feel. Take your heartache to God.

I think most grievers understand what I’m talking about…especially if they’ve experienced a holiday death…But it’s not just the death of a loved one…it could also be loss of any kind.

Even after you heal, realize all of the feelings of grief can still hit.

The yo-yo of grief is no joke.

I truly hope this blog post helps someone to know they’re not alone in their grief…to be gentle with their heart…to know that grief won’t always be so horribly strong.

Here’s my advice for getting through the Yo-Yo of grief:

  1. Seek God’s heart. It is truly amazing the amount of comfort and love God will shower onto those who love Him! Making God my closest and most treasured Friend has made all the difference in the world! Even during times when I don’t think a grief situation is fair, He patiently and lovingly always directs me in the right way. I can’t stress this enough…when you feel like you don’t want to trust His plan, always trust His great heart! Fight for your relationship with God…never give up on the true Treasure of His Friendship!
  2. Be true to your grief. Don’t force yourself to feel anything that isn’t authentic. If you feel sad, honor that sadness. If you feel fine, don’t feel guilty for having a good holiday…it doesn’t mean you love someone less. Good days & good holidays are truly a gift…embrace them when they come!
  3. Share with your family and friends where you are at in your grief…and don’t be ashamed of your grief. Don’t assume they should know or that they should instantly understand…take the time to share your heart.
  4. Don’t make family or close friends be mind readers. Tell them what you need so you will have the ability and support you need to get through the day.
  5. Do only what you feel you can truly do. It’s totally okay to have a relaxed holiday. If you’ve lost someone very close to you, it can take awhile to find a “new normal” for life and holidays…and sometimes the “new normal” you found can suddenly change and need readjusting. It’s okay not to always be okay…and that is totally FINE!! Be gentle with your heart!
  6. Light a memory candle in honor of your loved one…or do something special to “include” their memory. I have found that lighting a memory candle is a very special way of including my loved ones – it’s a beautiful way of saying, “I love you…I miss you…I will never forget you…I sure wish you were here!”
  7. NEVER apologize for your grief. If other people are uncomfortable with you honoring your grief or loved one, well tough. Lovingly remind them that you didn’t sign up for your grief experience…you’re doing what you need to do to get through it. So they’re frustrated? Kindly remind them that you’re frustrated too. Losing a loved one is the highest price you pay for loving someone…just because a loved one dies, your love doesn’t die too. People sometimes forget that.❤️
  8. Be careful to not create future guilt or regrets. I love the quote, “Even though I am grieving, the clock is still ticking, and that’s why I keep living purposefully.” I take the time to truly honor my grief, but I also make a very purposeful choice to celebrate and extravagantly love my remaining loved ones. Just like my sister suddenly died, I realize that is a possibility for everyone else I know too…so I make sure not to isolate myself and I choose to make the most of Thanksgiving and other holidays. I’m very authentic about my grief, I honor my grief…but I also honor my loved ones who are here as well.

This Thanksgiving, I am praying for all of the Grief Bites Family! May you highly treasure God, enjoy your remaining loved ones, and honor & remember your treasured loved ones who are no longer on earth.

Wishing all of you a very peaceful, special, joy-filled, and loving Thanksgiving Day!!

Gratitude & many blessings,

Kim

©2017 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!For more encouragement: ❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book):Click here for book

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

❤️

7 TIPS FOR HELPING A GRIEVING LOVED ONE DURING THE HOLIDAYS

Nov8

Do you know someone who is hurting due to the death of a loved one, an illness, divorce, family conflict, or an unexpected life challenge or crisis?

The holidays are very hectic for most people, but they become extra challenging for those going through grief.

When family and friends offer kindness and encouragement, it can make all the difference in the world to those who are hurting.

Whether the person who is grieving is a family member, friend, fellow church member, coworker, acquaintance, or neighbor, you have the amazing opportunity to offer compassion, support, and HOPE this holiday season.

Choose to be a BLESSING!

Think about each of these tips, and while you’re reading them, think of who you can bless – starting this week!

Here are 7 practical tips for helping a grieving loved one during the holidays~

1. Offer encouragement to the person who is going through grief by sending them an I’m-thinking-of-you card or a phone call. Whether they lost a loved one a week ago, or many years ago, their loved one will always be loved, treasured, and missed. The holidays can be a painful reminder of the fact their loved one is no longer here. If possible, refrain from sending over-the-top cheerful holiday greetings and cards if their loss is recent. Instead, send a more peace-filled greeting card with a special heartfelt note.

2. Stay away from cliches such as, “They’re in a better place,” “God needed an angel,” or “God must have needed them more.” Although these statements are intended to make the grieving one feel better, it can often leave them hurting and frustrated. Try encouraging your loved one with loving words of remembrance such as, “I really miss _____, she/he was a such a wonderful person” or “I remember when we ________.” Reflection on the deceased loved one brings validation to family members left behind that their loved one was important, is missed, and they are still cared about. Most who have gone through grief still enjoy talking about their loved one. Bringing their loved one up is welcomed by most. You’re not going to hurt them by bringing up their loved one…their loved one is already on their heart. Also, at all costs, never say (or even hint or suggest) to someone who is going through grief to “get over it.” That’s worse than all cliches combined.

3. Take the bereaved person a Christmas wreath, cookies, or a Christmas flower arrangement. A small kindness and helpful gesture goes a very long way in encouraging someone who is going through grief.

4. Invite them to attend your Christmas church service, family holiday dinner, or join in your Christmas festivities. Peace, comfort, encouragement, and loving relationships are important to offer to the bereaved during the holidays. A griever may want to attend church, but may not have anyone to attend with. Sometimes, traditional family dinners can be challenging too. If you are a close enough family member or friend, they may welcome an opportunity for a new place and environment to go to for church, dinner, or holiday celebrations.

5. Invite your grieving loved one to a holiday movie, out for coffee, to a special Christmas church event, to see The Nutcracker, to dinner, or to go shopping with you. You can also invite them to an online Christmas Church service and watch it together. When someone is going through grief, they lose contact with the outside world as they are immersed in their pain. Many times, people do not know what to say to someone who is going through grief – so, unfortunately, they avoid seeing them altogether. Please let the grievers in your life know you care. An invitation can speak volumes of your love and concern for them.

6. Be patient with those in grief. Life as they once knew it has drastically changed. It takes time to find a new “normal” and to thoroughly understand the full impact their grief and loss will have. Allow them the time they individually need to grieve. Everybody grieves differently and that’s perfectly fine. Please do not become frustrated with someone who is in grief…trust me, they’re frustrated, too! Support, love, and encourage them.

7. Simply listen and be there. Sometimes, the best thing someone can do for a griever is to give them a hug with the gift of silence and a listening ear. Simply let them know someone truly cares. No words necessary…just be truly, genuinely caring and a good listener. And if they confide in you, please do not betray that precious trust. We all desperately want to say the magic words that will comfort loved ones in grief, but there simply are no words that can magically remove their heartache and pain. A trustworthy listening ear is more important than most realize.

Please consider whose life (and heart) you can make a difference in this week! Think of someone you know who is going through grief or a hard time and offer them hope and encouragement.

Have a very blessed and meaningful holiday season!

Gratitude & many blessings,
Kim 🎄❤️🎄

©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

🎄Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

⭐️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

🎄Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print.

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.

🎄❤️🎄

Healing From Pet Loss ~ Part 2

Jun10

Experiencing a pet’s death can be very painful. It can also be painful to physically lose a pet through a divorce or if the pet wanders away.

When I talk to those who have experienced losing a much loved pet, they share how tough their experience has been. Some have been offered love, encouragement, and support, while others have not.

Perhaps, people are not quite sure what to say or do after a pet dies, because they’ve never lost a special pet. They just don’t “get it” or understand the heartache that transpires. They may have never experienced a close relationship with a pet — even if they have had a pet.

People are also extremely busy these days. We live in a microwave society…everything is instant. And if something isn’t quick and easy, some people will choose to not get involved. Life seems to always be in one mode: fast forward.

Personally, until our recent puppy’s death, I never thought to call family or friends to see how they were doing during their grief after they experienced pet loss. I was clueless how painful losing a pet could be. I previously thought you cried for a few days and then carried on.

Boy, was I wrong.

But once you know better, you then are able to do better.

This blog post is Part 2 of a 4-part series on pet loss. After the death of our much loved and treasured Titan, my heart certainly goes out to anyone who has experienced losing a pet. To read our family’s story about the life and death of our son’s two-year old puppy, check out Part 1 of this series on pet loss.

We were very blessed to have support from our loved ones, which certainly helped our grieving process.

Others are not so lucky. Not everyone receives support…and, like me previously, not everyone knows what to say or do.

After talking to others who have been through pet loss, I want to offer some ideas of how to encourage those who have experienced a pet’s death – that way people can better know how to be there for their family and friends through their grief.

Anyone who reads this will have the ability to encourage their family and friends who have experienced pet loss…and it will mean so very much to them.

Disclaimer: Like I said in my first post about pet loss, I know by writing about pet loss, I run the risk of a non-pet lover rolling their eyes (I used to do the same, so no worries)…and I also may be criticized by those who are experiencing human loss. I’d like to assure my Grief Bites readers that I am not saying pet loss is worse than losing a human being. To some, it may be worse; to others it may not be. Each and every grief experience is unique and completely different – no two people will go through or experience grief in the exact same way. Whether it is a human being or a pet, this is an absolute truth every griever can agree on: The greater the investment, the greater the love — and the greater the love, the greater the grief. I sincerely hope this series on pet loss is a great comfort to anyone who is mourning – or who will be mourning – their much-loved pet, and it is my prayer these posts are not offensive to anyone in the grief community.❤️As with any grief experience, I look at it as an opportunity to share what I’m learning through my experiences, in hopes it can help encourage whoever needs it. I count it a privilege to help others through all grief and loss issues. 

Here are a few ideas of how to help a loved one through the death or loss of their pet.

How To Help & Encourage Someone Through Pet Loss~

•Seek to understand– Many people think of their pet(s) as family…their baby. They’re continually around them every second they’re home. They snuggle with them most nights, and many people’s pets even share the same bed with them. So when the pet dies, their presence is terribly missed. Since their home holds many memories of their pet, too, a person’s couch, bed, and every room in their house may feel empty. Memories are everywhere. When they get home, their pet is no longer there to greet them. It can be very tough the first few weeks or months.

•If the pet helped them through a tough time or a grief experience, the loss of the pet is going to be much more devastating- When a pet is “there” for their human during grief or loss, the pet and human develop a very strong bond. Some people may even become closer to their pets than their human relationships if the pet has helped them through grief. I know of a man whose grandchild was lost during the pregnancy. A few months later, when a new “grand-dog” entered the picture, he said his heart was greatly comforted every time he was around the new puppy. Sometimes, he’d puppy-sit for his daughter and take the dog fishing with him each weekend. The new dog truly helped him through that tough time. When a dog dies during or after a grief circumstance, please realize the pet’s death is profoundly sad to the pet owner.

•Call your family member or friend whose pet died and realize they’ll grieve for awhile due to triggers– Check up on them periodically. Just like all grief experiences, the grief comes in layers when someone loses a pet. There are ups and downs just like traditional grief. I cried horribly, multiple times each day, the first few weeks after my son’s puppy died. Then I seemed to be doing better (crying just a few times each day)…until I was driving and saw the Starbucks where I used to get Pupuccinos for him. It brought all of the sadness back up. Grief, whether it’s a human loss or a pet loss, comes in waves…and you never know when a wave will hit you without warning.

•Offer to take out your family member or friend for coffee…and just be there to care- Not many people will offer compassion to those who have experienced a pet’s death. It’s not that they’re heartless…like I said, they may just not “get” how painful it can be. You can offer to meet your loved one for coffee. A few weeks after our puppy’s death, some of my friends lost their dog. To offer comfort some friends who just went through pet loss, I did something to help them know I care. I know how hard the first several days were after our dog’s death…I wanted to let them know that somebody cared. This special family was the first to offer to help us with our puppy when we first got him…they helped us so much. I know their hearts were heartbroken after their sweet dog’s death.

•Actively show your condolences- Don’t only call or text your loved one, buy a card…send flowers…make a donation to a local shelter in memory/honor of their precious fur angel…offer to help them plant a memorial tree…if you have photos, make a mini scrapbook of their beloved pet to give as a thoughtful gift. The ways to show you care are endless. As with any loss, take the time to actively care.

•When you do something kind, it will always be remembered- Right after my son and I euthanized his puppy, my mom and sister came to the veterinarian’s office. I didn’t even know they were coming, but it truly meant so much to me. As my son held his puppy and cried, right after putting him to sleep, I wanted to give him and his puppy some time alone. As I walked out of the room, it was a nice surprise to see my mom and sister…and so good to have a shoulder to cry on. I underestimated how tough the euthanasia would be on us. After the euthanasia, later that night, one of my nieces called to check on us and another niece brought a dog over to play with our other dogs, too. Our family received cards and phone calls as well. I will always be grateful to those who actively cared by showing up and those who offered us compassion. It truly meant so much to us!

NEVER say anything to minimize a pet owner’s grief such as, “It’s just a dog” or “You can always get a new pet”- And please do not get them a new pet as a gift unless you talk to them first- They can’t replace the feelings they shared with their pet or duplicate the relationship they built. Most likely, it took years to build it. The reason they’re hurting so badly is because they are grieving the years they “did life” with their pet. Plus, another pet may not have similar personality traits. It’s also not fair to a new pet to place such high expectations on them; any new pet needs to be loved for the unique individual they are. When in doubt, just be there and simply say, “I’m really sorry. Please know I am here. Anytime you’d like to talk, call me.” Your loved one will know when it’s the right time to get a new furry friend….and they’ll appreciate any kind words you can offer them.

•If you’re close enough to the person who lost a pet, and you know they cremated their pet or have fur clippings, consider doing something meaningful- I’d suggest inviting them to go somewhere meaningful to sprinkle some of their pet’s ashes at a special place. If the pet had a favorite blanket, you could ask the owner if they’d like for you to have it made into a pillow. You can also buy a necklace or bracelet for the pet owner that they can wear in honor and memory of their pet. We had our vet clip some of our puppy’s fur off after he passed away and I’m taking the fur to Build-A-Bear to be built into stuffed animals that have a clear, see-through heart…one for our son and one for me…so we can “hug” a part of our puppy when we miss him. If your loved one feels up to it, consider inviting them to do something meaningful like this, too.

•Realize the inner turmoil your loved one may be going through– When a person has to make the painful decision to euthanize their pet, they’re responsible for ensuring the best interests of their furry best friend. Often times, there is a lot of second guessing…”did we do it at the right time…did we do it prematurely?” If the pet loss was sudden, they may wonder, “did I do all I could do to comfort, help, and save them?” A pet owner may feel deep feelings of guilt, depression, or intense sadness after a pet’s death. They may even blame themselves for not realizing an illness sooner or not having the ability to save their pet’s life. Please take the time to see where your loved one is in their grief process.

These are just a few suggestions of how to help and encourage a loved one who goes through a pet’s death.

Even if you’re not an animal lover or a “pet person,” these ideas will most likely be very meaningful to your loved ones after they experience losing their furry friend.

Compassion, love, and empathy are what’s important. Always be the compassion today that you hope to receive in the future.

My next blog post in this series will share ideas of how to carefully plan and create the prefect last day for your pet, and also how to create a peaceful experience with your pet’s euthanasia. If you have a pet, you will not want to miss these very important tips and safeguards. There are some lessons we learned the hard way. The next post will help to alleviate future regrets.

Gratitude, healing, & many blessings,
🐾❤️Kim

©2017 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️🐾If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

🐾❤️For more encouragement:

❤️🐾Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

🐾❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

❤️🐾Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

🐾❤️Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️🐾FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

Healing From Pet Loss ~ Part 1

Jun7

I always say that pets, especially dogs, are God’s way of making up for all of the bad events we go through in life. Dogs unconditionally love us, fiercely protect us, and provide sweet companionship. They are truly “man’s best friend.”

There are two days a pet owner will never forget. The day we met our precious furry friend…and the day our much-loved pet passes away.

I’ll be writing a series of blog posts over pet loss the next few days because I think it’s a topic that can help others. Life offers so many rich lessons. I always love learning from others and I hope the lessons I share will help someone who is going through a similar situation.

Someone sent me a great quote about pet loss. I’d like to start this post by sharing it:

“To me, he was a person in a dog suit, a special being who opened my heart as it has never been opened before. Because of him, I know I am forever changed for the better.” ~Lisa Plummer Savas

Today, I’ll be sharing about our family’s recent death of our two year-old puppy who died of cancer. The next blog post, I’ll be sharing tips of how to help a loved one after their pet dies. The third post in this series will be about creating a peaceful experience with your pet’s euthanasia…and very important pitfalls to watch out for and prevent. And the fourth post will be about pet health, which will also include prevention, treatment, and breakthroughs of cancer in pets.

I sincerely hope this series on pet loss is a great comfort to anyone who is mourning their much-loved pet, and it is my prayer these posts are not offensive to anyone in the grief community.❤️

Here’s a little background of how we met and fell in love with our sweet puppy…and the heartbreak we recently went through. This will be a longer blog post than normal, but I know my animal-loving readers will appreciate the background for my upcoming posts.

In 2014, my son asked if we’d get him a puppy for Christmas. After experiencing deep grief – he wanted the companionship of a pet to help him through heartbreaking loss. Our family also was going through an excruciatingly painful grief experience at the time, as well.

My husband and I initially bulked at the idea, but after our son explained how much this special gift would mean to him, we compassionately gave him a puppy for Christmas.

The puppy was a rescue and we were told he was a Great Dane. Later, through DNA testing, we found out he was actually half German Shepherd and half American Staffordshire Terrier.

This sweet puppy also had been severely abused. When we got him, he had scar lines under the fur on top of his head and on one of his paws. We were told he was eight weeks old, but our vet told us he was most likely just three to four weeks old after looking at his forming teeth.

My son, husband, and I frequently woke up in the middle of the night to bottle feed our son’s new puppy and eventually helped crate train him so he’d feel safe. He was a very high needs puppy who needed a lot of care.

When my son first got his new puppy, as he would go to work each day, my husband and I would puppy-sit for 40 hours every week.

I fell so in love with this precious puppy!

Being a person who previously wasn’t very fond of dogs, I ended up becoming a major dog lover and advocate. I now love all dogs since I finally “get it.” The bond I formed with our new puppy was simply indescribable.

As I saw this exceptional puppy love my son “back to life,” I truly respected Titan just as much as I loved him. This very special puppy ended up being very important to each of us, each in different ways.

Our son, my husband, our entire family, and I all grew very attached to Titan and loved him so very much! He’s literally the best dog we’ve ever known.

Right after Christmas, after Titan had just turned two years-old, he developed a limp while he was at his dog training classes. After a few weeks, his limp worsened so we made an appointment with his vet. The vet told us she had bad news…I thought she was going to suggest surgery. Instead, she told us he had a very aggressive form of cancer (osteosarcoma) and only had a few months to live. We would need to immediately amputate his leg. If we chose treatment, it’d be very costly … he’d need chemo and radiation.

We took him to a pet oncologist for a second opinion. We were told the same thing: that treatment would do very little for him and that we’d have to drive several hours each weekend and spend these weekends in another city so he could do his cancer treatments. The heartbreaking truth was this would only extend his life for possibly 4-12 additional months – and he’d suffer…a lot.

We contacted another veterinarian for a third opinion. She knew Titan from the time we got him. I trusted her completely because she loved him like we did. In fact, outside of family and one other vet tech, she was the only other person he liked. She recommended pain pills and to keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as we could…and to give him the very best life in his ending days.

We were absolutely devastated! Our hearts broke into a million pieces and the pain was excruciating.

Titan helped us through some of the worst days of our lives and he loved our family back to life…he loved each of us so well. I always thought to myself, “who rescued who?” whenever I would recall the day we rescued him. His great love for us helped us so much…he was such a special, precious gift from God to our son and family.

We chose to save him…It was devastating when we couldn’t. We were powerless to do anything more. If love alone could’ve healed our sweet Titan, he would’ve lived to be 100.

Titan died three months after diagnosis and I was surprised just how deep my grief was in the days and weeks after his death. The grief was thick and incredibly intense. I am thankful we chose to lovingly end his suffering close to the weekend so we’d have all weekend to try to come to terms with our heartache and horrible grief.

I knew I’d be incredibly sad. I just didn’t expect my grief to be as strong and overwhelming as it was. I didn’t think pain like this was possible with losing a pet. To my shame, I had said at a grief conference I spoke at a few years ago that losing a pet wasn’t the end of the world compared to other grief events. I just didn’t “get it” at the time. After all, all of my pets growing up were mostly outdoor pets. There’s a big difference when they’re indoors with you 24/7…and an even bigger difference when you get a pet during a time of grief. I think when you get a pet during a time of grief, and they help you through a super sad time, I believe their death is much harder to get through.

I certainly have learned so much through this entire experience. After experiencing Titan’s daily struggles with cancer, my heart immediately went out to my loved ones who had experienced their pet’s illness and/or death.

After we found out about our puppy’s cancer, I invited one particular friend out for coffee – this was a friend who had been through her beloved dog’s death a few years ago. I needed to apologize for not being there more for her.

When you know better, you’re able to do better.

The new knowledge of how painful it is to lose a beloved, precious pet allowed me to understand the devastation my family and friends had previously been through.

Pet loss is hard.

Our family had a lot of love and support. Others aren’t as fortunate though. I think something that compounds pet loss for so many is there is very little concern or compassion from family and friends. Many think, “It’s just a dog….you can get a new one,” not understanding how untrue that is. Yes, you can get a new dog, but a person intensely misses the unique, wonderful dog … and the amazing relationship and love they shared with the specific dog (or pet) they lost.

Before our precious puppy’s diagnosis and death, my son had made arrangements to get another sweet puppy. He wanted to give Titan a friend and had put down a deposit. We were scheduled to put our 2 year-old puppy down on a Friday, and were scheduled to pick up the new puppy on the Sunday after. We were shocked when Titan’s cancer treatments started working so we called off the euthanasia. (More about this on an upcoming blog).

I can’t tell you how many people told us, “Just pour yourself into the new puppy. Be grateful you have the new puppy.” Of course, they were only trying to help us, but so many of our extended family and friends just didn’t understand how great of a loss we were going through. We are still hurting from the loss. Titan just isn’t replaceable. The relationship each of us built with him the whole two years we had him can’t be replicated. Our circumstances just aren’t the same as when we got Titan…and I’d never want to go through a major grief experience to duplicate how that special bond was formed.

We absolutely love our new puppy and our other dog … each of our dogs are beyond precious to us … but none of the three are the same. Each brings their special brand of love and doggy magic to the table of life!

The loss of Titan was super hard not only because he was a completely indoor dog, but that he also had a very well developed larger-than-life personality. He had a high level of emotional intelligence and intuitively knew how to read our family’s emotions. He was also very smart. When he’d get thirsty, he’d go to our kitchen and bring us a water bottle. He was so personable and intelligent…almost like a mini human. Anytime the songs “Penny Lane” by The Beatles or “Ho Hey” by the Lumineers came on, he would stop what he was doing and “sing” by howling to the entire song. Christmas music would instantly calm him since he would lay on my shoulder as a baby while I was working by the Christmas tree the first month we got him. Anytime Christmas music was played, he’d quietly lay down by me and be perfectly still.

Titan’s larger-than-life personality lit up the entire room once he entered it. Although he weighed over 90 lbs, he considered himself a lap dog…our “little” baby. He always snuggled into our laps as soon as we sat down. He also fiercely protected us. Like I said, we had to put him in specialized dog training classes to calm down his aggression towards anyone who wasn’t family.

He was a huge, perfect, lovable, sweet teddy bear to us. We’ll always miss his love and all of his many emotions…even the pouting and audible “sighing” he’d do. When he’d get upset about something, he’d let out a big, loud sigh and massively pout. It was a theatrical, broadway-style experience. The whole house would know about it…he’d make sure of it.

One time, he was so upset that our son went out on a date that he dramatically laid down and pouted on the floor after our son left the house…then this poor puppy took the pouting to a recliner…then to another recliner…then he pouted on the couch…then over to his dog bed…then over to his crate…then to everyone else that was home. He was so mad that he refused his favorite treat – squeeze cheese in a can. It was so funny when he’d behave so dramatically.

Just as quickly as he’d pout, he’d use that same intense energy to love my son and all of our family. When any of us would get home, he’d come running up and wiggle his entire big body. He’d miss us so much that he’d literally cry with joy when he saw us walk in the door or into the room. He’d then gently take our hand by lightly clamping his teeth down so he could lead us to a chair to hold him.

Had I never met my son’s puppy, I never would’ve known…or believed…how incredibly close and rewarding a relationship with a pet could be. I used to think people were crazy – absolutely nuts – to love, adore, and spoil their pets….and then I met this sweet furry baby. Now, we are the people who love, adore, and spoil our pets. Titan truly opened up a part of my heart I didn’t even know existed, and he taught me so many lessons.

I will forever be grateful to God for perfectly coordinating us finding that precious puppy!

Nothing can never take the place of my lil baby. My relationship with him was simply extra special. He was a huge comfort to me as my heart was breaking for my son while he was going through major grief. This sweet puppy also helped our family and me after my dad was diagnosed with cancer. During his first year of life, he helped our family through some very hard days. I will forever be grateful to him for loving our family so well!

Our sweet Titan will always be loved, treasured and remembered.

If you’ve ever experienced the death of a precious, much-loved pet, my heart sure goes out to you. If you are in the midst of  taking care of a pet who is terminally ill, I am so very sorry.

A few ways I have found paths for healing are:

•choosing to be so grateful for our time with Titan – I am SO glad we met him and we had the privilege of loving him so very well!

•going to his favorite park to walk our dogs around and remember how much Titan loved it there.

•making a photo album of our favorite pics of Titan.

•warmly remembering our fun times and watching videos of Titan.

•going to our favorite coffee shop and getting my favorite coffee drink in his honor (that we would share…he’d eat the whipped cream in a separate bowl and I’d enjoy the coffee).

•taking time each day to talk to God about the heartache I’m experiencing and knowing God will one day perfectly heal my heart.

•Enjoy our favorite Christmas songs that bonded us together that first Christmas.

•loving our other two dogs through their grief because they were really sad too. Our newest little puppy was so upset that he lost fur from missing Titan.

There are no right or wrong ways of grieving your sweet fur baby! Do what comforts and heals your broken heart!💗

I invite you to read my upcoming blog posts for encouragement.

To all who have a pet they love, take some time today to hug and cuddle them. Take them for a walk and give them an extra treat or two.

Enjoy and treasure each day with all of your loved ones. No matter if they wear a suit of fur or not.

Gratitude & many blessings,
Kim🐾❤️🐾

©2017 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print.

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance.

Grief & Holidays—helpful tip #7

Dec18

Christmas week carries so many tough emotions for those who are grieving. Emotions such as heartache, fear, anxiety, dread, and bittersweetness can be overwhelming. It’s so important to allow family and close friends to help you and comfort you.

Today’s tip for the holidays is:

Allow yourself the gift of receiving help, comfort, love, and encouragement.

  • Allow people to hug you
  • Allow others to help you through your grief 
  • Allow others to run errands for you
  • Allow others to spend time with you
  • Allow others to make the holiday dinner if you don’t feel up to it this year 
  • Allow others to help you send out thank you notes for any kindness others have done or do
  • Allow others to help you shop
  • Allow others to comfort and encourage you
  • Allow those closest to you to know how you’re truly feeling and doing

This is just a short list. Each person who grieves will know what they are comfortable – or uncomfortable – allowing others to do.

Grief is extremely hard work. Be kind to yourself and others – and know that nobody fully has grief all figured out. Grief is like a puzzle and each griever has to figure out what pieces to use so they can rebuild their heart, life, and traditions. One of the puzzle pieces is allowing others to help, comfort, encourage, and offer you their love, condolences, encouragement, and support.

Whatever help or encouragement you allow this holiday season, I truly hope your heart cared for and comforted.

May everybody have a blessed Christmas week!

Gratitude & blessings,
🎄Kim

©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

🎄Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

⭐️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

🎄Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print.

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.

🎄❤️🎄

Overcoming Annual Grief Cycles: Why You May Experience Feeling Down Out Of Nowhere

Sep4

When a tragic or heartbreaking grief event happens in life, it can velcro itself to your heart and memory storage. Some are obvious; others are not.

When you go through a major grief event such as a death, you’re much more familiar with the anticipation of sad feelings that will surface because the event has an exact date. Example: death of a loved one, your personal divorce, etc. You know the date is coming up so you can easily label your feelings, grief, and heartache.

Other times, people can feel “blue” around a certain time each year and not be able to pinpoint where the feeling came from or understand why such intense emotions surfaced. A non-death grief event most likely happened, but the date wasn’t exactly remembered or written down. Example: an abortion, a sexual assault, adultery, parents divorce, a bad breakup, a natural disaster or house fire, discovering you have a major illness, tragic military event, major relationship issues, a PTSD/traumatizing event, etc.

These events can leave a huge imprint on your spirit, heart, mind, emotions — and even your body’s cells.

I’m a big advocate of creating a timeline of grief events that have happened in life and writing them down on paper…this way, you can go through each grief event and process it.

Feel what you need to feel. Allow yourself the freedom to thoroughly filter the circumstance and release the harsh emotions – place each grief event and emotion in God’s hands – with the goal of nurturing and healing your heart.

Process each year of your life. Be so very grateful for all of the good that each year held, while working through and releasing any bad that happened as well.

While growing up, there were times during the year I’d feel unexplainably down and discouraged.

I later figured out that during these times, a grief event had happened close to, or on the date, years before.

At that discovery, I made it a point to be mindful of potential annual grief cycles which greatly helped to overcome them.

So how do you overcome annual grief cycles?

  • Invite God in first and foremost. Ask Him to hug your heart as you do the following.
  • Make a list of every significant grief event you’ve been through throughout your life. If this is difficult to do, or very hurtful or triggering, you may want to ask a trusted loved one to be with you while you do this.
  • Keep a calendar of grief events so you are aware and prepared for them
  • Take the time to thoroughly grieve each event so there is minimal unfinished business as much is up to you
  • Seek out extra support and encouragement during potential or established grief dates
  • It can be helpful to talk to a trusted pastor, counselor, family member, or close friend on the date (or even the day before) of an annual grief event
  • Pray God grants you the courage, encouragement, healing, and peace you need to get through the tough feelings of your grief event 
  • After thoroughly taking the time to grieve, make it a priority to have a day of relaxation, rejuvenation, and enjoyment on days of an annual grief cycle (this can take time and hard work to accomplish but is totally worth it)
  • Be compassionate to yourself and realize grief recovery takes time
  • Allow yourself the gift of grieving in healthy ways in your own time while growing through your grief

Once I understood and was able to anticipate annual grief cycles — and took the time to intentionally override annual grief dates with relaxing and enjoyable activities — my anxiety and sadness around those dates was dramatically resolved. It didn’t happen overnight, but with every year I chose to override these tough dates of sadness with new memories…good memories…I was freed up from stagnant discouragement and anxiety.

Imagine a piece of paper that is folded in half. To help “heal” the bent paper, you don’t just merely unfold the paper…it would still have a bend. To create a significant difference, you would need to fold it the opposite way. Yes, there may still be a crease, but the paper will no longer be bent.

We need to do this when it comes to overriding poor memories in our lives: heal the fold by intentionally folding our lives in opposite, much better ways. Yes, there will still be evidence of what happened…but the more we create a difference – after thoroughly grieving and feeling what we need to feel – it will no longer be as debilitating for us.

This week, make a list of any significant grief events you’ve been through, and think of creative ways to override annual grief cycles so you can truly begin to appreciate life once again.

Wishing all of you healing, peace, and memories worthy of remembering as you work through your grief!

Gratitude & blessings,
Kim

©2016 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: https://www.peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): https://www.christianbook.com/getting-knocks-transparent-journey-seeking-through/k-b-h-niles

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: https://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: https://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print. 

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.

💗

An Important Prayer For Families & Marriages ~ Especially When Hurting

Sep1

As I was enjoying my quiet time with God today, He placed the importance of family on my heart. The information I’ll be sharing is vital – possibly even life & relationship changing – so get comfy in a chair and allow this to speak to your heart. This may be the most important post someone reads today. ❤️

If short on time, please feel free to skip to the prayer in bold below.

I once heard a quote: “Family isn’t just an important thing…it’s the most important thing.”

As I’ve walked through grief and life challenges, I have found it to be truer than I ever thought. My family has loved me…encouraged me…carried me through tough times…cared enough to make the best memories with me…corrected me when I needed it…been there for me…they’re my absolute favorite people on earth.

Family is a gift…an extraordinary gift…even if family members don’t always act like one (ourselves included). Families can hurt one another…get too busy…be thoughtless at times…or miss the mark. Any human relationship is flawed. That’s why we need God and prayer.

Family. is. worth. it!

Family (God, grandparents, parents, siblings, spouse, children, in-laws…yes, even out-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins, church family, etc)…are the precious people who have been personally chosen and handpicked by God Himself for us to do life with. To mistreat or reject them is to mistreat and reject God.

But what if your spouse or family (or church family) has wounded your heart? What about the times a spouse or family member rejects, dishonors, or mistreats us? Let’s go deep and honest here: what about the times we’ve failed or hurt others, too?

Just like marriage, family relationships are designed to make us more holy than happy…to build our character more than our comfort — ultimately, family is designed to make us more like Christ. We shortchange ourselves (and what God can accomplish in us and our loved ones’ lives) when we merely throw our hands up in the air and refuse to care or repair disagreements, hurts, or what’s been damaged or strained.

Of course, God’s perfect design is for families to treat each other right…to bring each other joy…to live in harmony with one another…to learn from each other…to help one another…to comfort one another…be loyal to each other…to protect one another. Even the Bible says when someone continually causes conflict or hurts, this can separate even the closest of brothers. There are so many facets and responsibilities God has entrusted to us by giving us the gift of family.

This includes making things right when we’ve done wrong. When we drop the ball of family, or fail in our responsibility – any gift in life has responsibilities – we can create a huge mess. In fact, conflict comes when we (or a family member) fails to do the above.

Every problem in life, and even in the world, is directly because someone has failed to be responsible or failed to treasure, respect, love, or value God, another person, or themselves.

Ultimately, when we fail to do our part (our responsibility in our God-given relationships) or we fail to care about God’s design for marriage or family, we truly can do a lot of harm to God’s heart and one another. Where there is conflict (or problems)…it is completely linked to not obeying or honoring God and His precious Word…and failing to treat others well.

Even under normal circumstances, life and relationships can present normal challenges…but today, due to the pandemic, financial challenges, and the social/political climate we live in, marriages and families are going through even tougher times. It is so important to seek God’s help and deeply pray.

There are true enemies of family and marriage these days…and the goal of the enemy is to kill, steal, and destroy God-given relationships … (John 10:10, Ephesians 6:12) … It is so important to realize the warfare at hand…or we can continually react to those we love best. Eventually, families and spouses can tear each other apart…even destroy one another…if wisdom and understanding are not applied (Galatians 5:15).

We need to deeply realize: Conflict in marriage/family is spiritual warfare. Divorce is spiritual warfare. Problems with in-laws is spiritual warfare. Adultery is spiritual warfare. Rebellion is spiritual warfare. Not being respectful and responsible in your marriage and family relationships is spiritual warfare. Failing to genuinely love your spouse is spiritual warfare. Failing to make time for family is spiritual warfare. Choosing not to love, cherish, and put your children’s needs above your own is spiritual warfare. Addiction is spiritual warfare. Not loving, respecting, and honoring parents or family members is spiritual warfare.

So how did everything get so messed up? One. choice. at. a. time. How does each spouse or family member repair the damage that has been done – and prevent future conflict and harm? Same thing – one. choice. at. a. time.

It takes less time to get into a mess than it takes to clean it up…cleaning up relationships is rarely fun…but God will ask us to give an account one day of what we did with the gifts He blessed us with…especially how we treated Him and our loved ones.

The choices we make – whether positive or negative – do make a huge impact…especially on our loved ones. Our attitudes…our words…our actions…how we treat one another…our character…it all carries blessings or consequences.

We don’t live in a perfect world…so how do we create and maintain strong families and marriages when there are so many things fighting against this?

“Life,” grief, busy schedules, and day-to day stress can place a tremendous amount of pressure on marriages and families. Conflict is at an an all time high. So how can marriages and families heal … and grow?

Best line of defense – and offense – is prayer.

Of course, action has to back up each prayer…but when we entrust our marriage and family to the Lord, He is faithful to enrich and sustain our relationships with those we love best. God loves us and is for us. He loves our family members more than we do. With God, all things are possible. Healing is possible.

Today, let’s dedicate our families and marriages to Him…for His good purpose. Let’s commit to daily praying for our marriages and families (as well as our homes and churches).

“Dearest Heavenly Father,

We thank You so very much for the gift of marriage and family!

Families and marriages are at an all time high of being attacked.

Life has sped up…there are so many activities and things that compete with You, as well as marriage and family time. May we always choose wisely and put our relationships with You and family first. Absolutely first! Refine our priorities, activities, finances, and time so we always put You, our family, and the “best yes” above everything else. Show us the activities and things we need to rid our lives of to clear our schedules and improve our priorities…give us the grace we need to actually act on this and effectively do it.

Help us to see what a tremendous gift You and family truly are. Help us to not only treat our spouse and family right…help us to greatly love and treasure them as You do. Help us avoid regrets.

Help us to be so very mindful of the condition of our hearts…our actions…our words…our attitudes…our love level…our choices. Especially when it comes to our relationship with You and family.

Please help us see the 90% of what’s right about our loved ones instead of focusing on the 10% of what may be wrong. Help us to see we are so in need of grace and mercy, too. Help us to pray for, speak, and encourage our loved ones’ potential instead of continually looking at or speaking their flaws. Help us to also be mindful that we are not perfect either…help us to be humble – take away our selfishness and pride – and fill us and our loved ones full of grace and the willingness to forgive.

Convict our hearts when – actually before – we are about to disobey You, or hurt You or our family.

Where there’s been conflict, May there now be harmony and genuine love.

Where there’s been judgment, May there now be grace and sincere prayers going up to heaven for family members and the hard things they’re facing in life.

Where there’s been backbiting or gossip, May there now be loyalty and encouragement – and deep prayers.

Where there’s addiction, May there now be conviction, grace, sobriety and a making up of precious time that has been lost.

Where there’s been any abusive behavior – spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, verbal, etc, May there now be repentance, tenderness, self-control, and kindness.

Where there’s been hard-heartedness or rejection, May there now be sincere love, willingness to forgive, and acceptance.

Where there’s been a disconnect, May there now be connection and a deep understanding of one another.

Where there’s been a turning away from God and faith, May there now be a sold-out love and iron-clad full devotion to You.

Where there’s been a lack of forgiveness, bitterness or resentment, May there now be mercy, grace, genuine concern, love, and forgiveness.

Where there’s been dishonor or disrespect, May there now be honor and consideration for one another’s feelings.

Where there’s been division, May there now be true restoration, peace and rich family fellowship.

Where we’ve focused on the problems, May we now focus on the solutions.

Where there’s been apathy or a lack of care, May there now be a willingness – a fervency – to do what’s right, love our family extravagantly, and care more than ever.

Help each of us to fully understand the great value and extravagant gift of You and family! May we never take You or family for granted.

Help us to choose our actions and words wisely – especially during hard times and when having tough conversations. Holy Spirit, guide our thoughts, actions, beliefs, and words.

May each of us seek to obey You in how we love and treat You and one another. Help us to richly strengthen our God-given relationships and homes so they are a sweet aroma and blessing to Your heart.

Heal us. Bless us. Equip us. Sustain us. Build up all of our relationships with You and our family members.

May we seek to be a blessing and a source of love and encouragement in everything we do.

Ultimately, help us to see that all conflict originates from a lack of, a flawed, or hurting relationship with You…and that family and marriage conflict harms not just us, but Your reputation. Give us an abundant amount of wisdom and grace to be right with You! You are our greatest treasure! Never allow us to make our loved ones an idol or place them in front of You! Forgive us for the many times we’ve placed loved ones, activities, goals, or things above You. Life is meaningless if we don’t have You in it! May we first and foremost heal our relationship with You and love and deeply treasure You above all!

We look forward to seeing how You will “work all things together for our good” in our relationship with You, our marriages and families as we seek Your heart, trust You, and love You most.

Please abundantly bless each person who is praying for their family today! Please answer their heart’s cry and prayers. We ask You to heal, restore, and do more than we can ask, think, or imagine!

We love You so much and ask all of these things in Jesus’ precious name, Amen!”

To all who are reading this, God’s got you! He’s got your loved ones! He loves you and your loved ones so very much!

Praying God richly blesses you and your loved ones today!

Here are a few other blog posts on conflict resolution to encourage your heart:

10+10=2? 20 Questions To Begin Conflict Resolution (Pt. 1)

Conflict Resolution During Grief Pt. 2

Conflict Resolution (Pt 3)- 75 Character Qualities That Can Change Your Life

Important Questions To Powerfully Change & Transform Your Life & Regrets Daily

43 Ways To Delight In God

https://griefbites.com/2021/10/07/what-to-do-in-tough-situations-when-youve-done-all-you-can/

Perhaps you’re reading this today and you’d like to get to know God better. Maybe you’d like to make peace with God and allow Him to make a difference in your heart, your marriage, or your family. He’s made all the difference in my life! Please allow me to introduce you to my Best Friend: http://www.peacewithgod.net

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim

PS – It would be irresponsible of me to not say: Certainly, if there is blatant disregard or legitimate abuse, it is important to seek wise counsel from a pastor or Bible-based therapist to help create wise boundaries. There is a big difference between someone doing evil and normal human/family error. I believe 99% of issues can be worked out…and with God’s help, can be worked out…but nobody should subject themselves to anything illegal or harmful. If there is sexual or physical abuse…addictions…anything that could put someone in jail…legitimate safety concerns…or ongoing adultery…that’s never to be overlooked, ignored, or condoned. Seeking help is much needed.

©2021 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): https://www.christianbook.com/getting-knocks-transparent-journey-seeking-through/k-b-h-niles/

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: https://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: https://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

❤️Making peace with God: http://www.peacewithgod.net

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print.

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.

What Do The Olympics And Grief Have In Common?

Aug12

Who doesn’t love the Olympics? The competition…the excitement…the pride for your country…the breathtaking joy you feel when you see someone accomplish their Olympic best, as well as the profound sadness you feel when you see a competitor lose their dream of winning.

I’ve watched quite a bit of the Olympics at home since it began. And lucky for me, it’s also been on at restaurants I’ve dined at, as well as other places I go.

As I was watching this week, I’ve seen many similar comparisons of competing in the Olympics and the event of grief.

Each Olympian chooses to force their self to get out of bed, especially on days when they’d much rather stay at home…grievers also force themselves to get out of bed, especially on mornings they’d rather block out the world.

Olympians go through blood, sweat, tears, prayers, and great sacrifice to get to the next level…grievers go through a very similar process. For Olympians, much of it is mental and physical…for grievers, it’s emotional and spiritual.

What an Olympian chooses to do in the dark (in the harshest and earliest of mornings, as well as the grueling out-of-view workouts) will eventually allow them to extraordinarily grow, better themselves, and fully shine in the light…Likewise, how a griever chooses to handle how they respond in the dark — all they are going through behind the scenes and learning in the darkest days of their life — eventually will predict if they come out better and shining through their grief experience and circumstances.

All Olympians and grievers need to surround themselves with great coaches, advisors, encouragement, and support. Neither can reach their fullest potential or ultimate life purpose without a strong community and the help of others.

With both the Olympian and griever, the excruciating struggles are real. Both are confronted with grueling hardships and tough choices, and both have the ability to fight through the dark to make it into a well-deserved glorious light.

I love this video of Michael Phelps ( https://youtu.be/Xh9jAD1ofm4 ). If you’ve followed his career, all you can say is WOW! Out of the entire time, he only took off one year, yet decided to come back and compete.

In grief, you may need to take some time off, but choose to never, ever quit! When you feel like quitting or staying stagnant, think of all Michael Phelps would be missing out on if he had never came back!

Both the Olympian and griever gain some of the hardest earned rewards for their sacrifices as they push through, press forward, and finally realize their potential of healing and perseverance, as well as their goals and dreams later on.

When you feel defeated in your grief, remember there is Gold at the end of your race. Choose to do the grueling hard work so you can make it through the most difficult, toughest days of your life!

When it comes to an Olympian swimmer like Michael Phelps and a griever, both are in situations where they can drown if not careful. Both also have to find the ability to fight for their breath during the most vital times so they can finally rise to the surface in victory.

Both have failures and successes, disappointments and triumphs. All go through a grand series of emotions and also learn new breathing and life techniques so they do not feel as though they are continually gasping for air.

With hard work, the Olympian triumphs over competitors…the griever triumphs over grief.

You are worth it! And your life will be richer and much more fulfilling when you realize you truly triumphed to new heights over and through your grief experience!

And when the day of realization, healing, and triumph comes, what a great feeling that will be!!

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” ~Philippians‬ ‭4:13‬ ‭

“…I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” ~Philippians‬ ‭3:13-14‬ ‭

“Don’t you realize that everyone who runs in a race runs to win, but only one runner gets the prize? Run like them, so that you can win.” ~1 Corinthians‬ ‭9:24‬ ‭

Gratitude and many blessings (and Happy Olympic watching),
Kim

©2016 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:
1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 
2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 
3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

❤️All of Kim’s blog posts: http://www.griefbites.com

Bringing Your Hard Questions To God: An Extra Crispy Collision 

Jun23

I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

A lot about: Life. Relationships. God. Church. Family. Grief. Helping others through grief. Illness. The FANTASTIC people you meet in life. The not-so-great people you’ve had the displeasure of knowing. Healing that has taken place. Raw wounds that scab over, yet somehow re-open. What a great gift life is — actually, what a treasure each and every day truly is.

Lots and lots of thoughts…both good and bad.

I’m a pretty deep person by nature. My husband jokingly says while some people tend to be kiddie pools or swimming pools, I’m lucky enough to be a large, deep ocean.

But those who are “oceans” know that it doesn’t always feel so lucky. 

When you have depth and many life experiences, you can see, discern, and perceive things around you..and that’s not always a fun thing. You can quickly “know” a person’s character and motives…sometimes without them saying a single word. You have an incredible God-blessed ability to help others — and feel an empathy that allows you to absorb others heartache so you can truly help them find healing and wholeness. 

And people who are oceans think a lot more than most realize. When you’re often around grief and heartache, helping the grief community day in and day out, you truly have times where you don’t just think about things…you carry a lot of your clients pain and questions, too.

Questions such as: why do children die?…why do people put their precious spouses through so much agonizing heartache due to adultery?…why do people have to get sick?…how do family and friends hurt, backstab, reject, abandon, or betray those closest to them—and sometimes not even care?…how do some pastors and church people cause intense pain then not even care about those they’ve hurt, ran off, rejected, or offended?…why is there so much pain, chaos, and heartache in the world?

Pretty much, you think about and question every scenario you see people you help go through.

And then you wrestle with God with questions you may have.

And there you go…you have an extra crispy collision.

For the record, I grew up in a conservative church. You weren’t really taught much about wrestling with God or asking tough questions because to question God was considered Extra Crispy. I think every Baptist has heard sermons on how Jacob wrestled with God, but I would have loved to have been taught how to bring my questions to God without feeling like an extra crispy heathen.

Definition of Extra Crispy: an undesirable activity, thought, feeling, or action that others believe can send you straight to hell to fry for life.

Growing up, extra crispy could have been my middle name. Ashamedly, I was my mother’s worst child. I questioned everything, and wanted to experience life so I’d know what I personally thought or believed. For myself. On.my.own. All by myself.

Regrettably, rebellious.

Yep…Extra Crispy.

Majority of it stemmed from a place of deep hurt…yet I’m extremely grateful for the harsh lessons I learned from my “extra crispy” days long ago. 

When God turned my life around, the same closed fist that shook at Him demanding answers…was turned into a soft open outstretched hand that desperately sought Him for life’s answers.
Similarly, I sharply questioned my parents while growing up. After I became a parent myself, I found great value in my parents and asking them for advice and guidance.

Both were similar experiences.

I didn’t fully respect or value my parents advice, opinions, or guidance until I understood their love for me. Likewise, I didn’t value God’s authority or answers until I understood His deep love and concern for me, as well.

When you understand just how HUGE God’s love (and heart) truly is, you understand that He will NEVER allow you to go through deep heartache without having a great purpose behind it. His heart is kind…good…merciful…compassionate.

I truly hate that I wasted so much time getting to that humble spot…with God and my parents. I also truly hate that people are taught that it is an extra crispy sin to question God during their greatest life struggles.

For the record: yes, God is God. He is holy, perfect, perfectly good and 100% right all of the time. Absolutely! He doesn’t owe any of us anything…and He most certainly doesn’t owe anybody answers. Ever.

But…as the Ultimate Parent, He loves each and everyone of us so much that He welcomes the dialogue.

It is always better to have a difficult or hard conversation with God where you share with Him your questions and everything you think and feel – in a respectful way – than to harden your heart and make poor choices that will eventually lead to a hard and difficult life.

We don’t ask questions to demand answers…we ask questions to seek to understand His magnificent heart and purpose. And there is ALWAYS purpose in pain.

God can handle the big questions. He can handle the dialogue we bring to Him from the overpowering grief, hardships, and heartaches we each go through. He welcomes our messes…and the imperfect questions we have…with arms wide open.

God wants you to ask Him why your spouse committed adultery, or broke your heart, or left…or why your precious baby or child died…or why your prodigal teenager or adult child is in deep rebellion…or why your family or friends mistreated you…or why you lost your job…or why you or a loved one is going through a major or terminal illness or disability…or any other life questions you may have. He wants you to ask because He genuinely listens and cares. 

When questions are asked, the One who holds the answers can work deep within our hearts and lives. 

Whatever you are going through, God wants you to have a full head-on collision with His great heart so He can help you through your most heart wrenching, honest, authentic, toughest mess of questions.

Because when you go to Him with your questions about life…He gives you an incredible gift — He then deeply ministers to your heart and brings you healing, guidance, purpose and peace.

So go to God and ask your toughest questions. It doesn’t mean that you lack faith…it means you want to finally cross the bridge of the Cross so you can powerfully reconnect with His amazing heart to build your faith back up!

Share with God your gut-wrenching feelings, fears, and concerns. Plead with Him to intervene and work in (and through) every situation in your life.

God doesn’t roll His eyes or resent our questions or pleadings. He’s slow to anger. He welcomes us, loves us, and stands ready to embrace us in His loving compassionate arms.

Whatever you are going through in life, He truly cares. And it isn’t a flippant or fickle type of a care. He’s all in.

When you understand just how all in He is, you begin to place your burdens at His feet…onto His back…into His capable hands…sealed into His loving heart.

So go to God today. Ask Him the questions you most long to. Ask Him to reveal His purpose for any heartache or disappointment you are going through. Ask Him to turn your hardships and grief into something of great value. Seek His heart, unconditionally give Him your circumstances, and ask Him to use you and your life experiences for His glory.

He’s waiting. He loves. He cares.

So after thanking Him for His great patience, compassion, genuine concern, and unfailing love, what will your first heartfelt conversation be?

He welcomes the dialogue. He always welcomes and loves YOU!❤️

©2016 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!❤️

For more encouragement:

Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 
2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 
3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays
❤️


Comparing Life, Grief, & Loss

May31

When my sister and I founded Grief Bites, and started our grief group, classes, and seminars, I don’t think either of us could have possibly been prepared for all we would see and hear.

With grief, people are at their rawest and most vulnerable. Tensions and emotions run very high and sometimes that has led to some colorful dialogue — especially in the setting of a grief group.

Anyone who has been going through grief for awhile knows and deeply understands that each grief experience is unique to the one who is going through it…you just can’t compare grief experiences…and grief is just plain messy.

Anyone who has attended an authentic grief group has definitely seen and heard it all. 

Grief group participants will see people deeply heartbroken over a loved one’s death, as well as family members who celebrate the death of a loved one…especially if their loved one was suffering.

Some people deeply mourn the fact they had chosen to get married, and then there are singles who greatly wish to be married.

One couple, who seemed as though they had it all together and were deeply in love shared that they had grown in their love only after adultery had nearly destroyed their marriage…the marriage they were now enjoying was the result of many, many tears and a lot of hard work.

Looks can be deceiving when we make blind assumptions. And it can be easy to compare life and grief experiences. If we knew the facts about each other’s lives, we’d be more grateful we are living the one we are living.

I’ve listened to parents who were deeply hurting due to being severely mistreated by multiple children….as well as parents who were devastated they could only have one child…and others who would absolutely trade everything they own to have the ability to have a baby.

One time, I had two separate families tell me they were jealous of each other during grief group: one person (who had five children) was jealous that the other family frequently went on vacations since they are childless…and then the other family (who could go on multiple vacations) revealed that they travel to escape the pain of not having the big family they had always dreamed of. Each family had heartaches and each received a different blessing from God: one received children and the other, money.

The fact is, everybody is either:

  • coming out of a grief experience 
  • in the middle of grief experience
  • about to enter into a grief experience

We all have:

  • shining moments in life
  • fantastic memories
  • “behind the scenes” heartaches
  • major failures 
  • great accomplishments
  • grief experiences nobody knows about
  • blessings others may not have

It doesn’t make sense to compare ourselves to others, or compare our grief experiences or heartaches.

We are all different and our grief experiences — and blessings — are unique to each of us…even if we all go through similar ups and downs in life.

Each and every person who is going through a grief experience could present their case as to why their grief is greater, but wouldn’t it make more sense if we all simply chose to encourage and be there for one another? The greater the love, the greater the grief, and the more people encourage and empathize with one another, the more people have the ability to heal.

In His amazingly great wisdom, God said it best when He summed it all up:

Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

Once we understand that everybody is going through an uphill battle — or will be going through an uphill battle, it becomes so much easier to be a vessel of encouragement, love, and hope to everybody around us.

Nobody has a perfect life…and nobody has it “all together” or has everything figured out.

We’re all just kind of winging it and doing the very best we each can. Amen?

Continually learn as much as you can through each grief experience, gain wisdom and perspective with each teardrop, and never fall into comparing yourself with others and never compare your grief experiences or life.

We are all human and we each will process life, love, blessings, and grief differently. And that is totally okay! 

Don’t judge others in life or grief…and do not fall into allowing others to judge your life or your grief.

It’s what we each choose to do with all of our blessings, our life and grief experiences that truly matters. Never waste any of these precious life experiences and learning experiences.

All have a deep purpose!

Gratitude, blessings, & healing,
Kim

©2016 by Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:
1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

Mourning Someone Who Is Still Alive: 10 Ways To Weather The Storm

Mar20

Most grief recovery efforts naturally include helping grievers to mourn loved ones who have died…but what if the person you are mourning is still alive?

To have once enjoyed a great, solid, rich relationship with a loved one—and then no longer have a good relationship (or to then have a drastically changed relationship or no relationship at all)—this terribly and horribly breaks a heart in a very unique, painful way.

When drastic change occurs, or a difficult situation or relationship develops, it can cause excruciating heartache, loss, and sadness. It truly can feel as though someone you deeply love has died, and you are forced to go through a silent funeral inside of your heart every single day.

There are many reasons why this can happen:

  • Spouses commit adultery or file for divorce, or a significant other leaves or betrays you
  • Children react to parents due to divorce or co-parenting challenges…sometimes parents react back
  • A parent has an affair or gets remarried and then chooses to distance or remove themselves from the relationship with their child(ren)
  • Children react to an adulterous affair a parent had or children react to how the affair victim/parent handled an affair
  • A loved one battles debilitating mental illness, severe depression, dementia, Alzheimer’s, or a loved one goes through the longterm effects of a traumatic brain injury or serious injury— and these circumstances completely change the dynamics of the relationship
  • Parents react to children and children react to parents on “life” issues, moral decisions, or spiritual issues
  • A parent, step parent, or other family member spitefully pits a child, parent, step parent or family member against one another
  • Custody or visitation issues, foster care challenges, or family conflicts cause deep heartache…even estrangement
  • Spouses return home deeply wounded emotionally, physically, spiritually or mentally from serving in the military…or spouses betray the spouse who is away serving
  • A spouse, child, or family member goes through a serious medical challenge, experiences deep grief, or another terrible life event or life challenge and they drastically change or become a completely different person
  • Parents abandon their children, and/or children rebel against or abandon their parents
  • Siblings, or other family members, deeply change and are no longer close
  • A family member battles addiction—or another stronghold or wrong thinking—and you can’t get through to them
  • Relationship issues due to mistreating or reacting to one another…and one or both people aren’t willing to repair or improve things
  • An adult child can enter into a romantic relationship (or marriage) and their parent doesn’t approve or isn’t willing to respect their child’s partner, spouse, and/or marriage…or vice versa
  • Friendships heartbreakingly dissolve
  • Physical, mental, or emotional abuse issues create hardships, family division, and heartache
  • A family relationship, friendship, or church relationship dissolves due to a betrayal, a lack of understanding, conflict, or deep hurts
  • Family members or in-laws are mistreated due to another family members/in-laws dysfunction
  • Bitterness and an unwillingness to forgive or work on the relationship takes root
  • Some sever ties to “make a point” or to intentionally inflict heartache in reaction to their own pride or pain
  • A family member becomes a prodigal
  • A sibling, parent, child or other family member marries someone who isn’t respectful of sibling/parent/child/family relationships…so to avoid arguing with their romantic partner, they choose to “keep the peace,” and choose their significant other over longterm relationships…or a parent chooses their significant other over their children
  • Ultimately, a lack of respect, genuine love, honor, boundaries, and commitment – and ultimately a lack of good character – can wreck major havoc on relationships and families
  • Lots and lots of other reasons

Anytime a relationship changes for the worse, abruptly changes, or becomes fractured or shattered, it is very, very painful. And many times, the result is to feel helpless, as though you have run out of options.

When this happens, what can you do?

  1. Pray. Pour your heart out to God and ask for Him to intervene in the relationship and situation. Pray God touches your loved ones heart…pray God will show them a deep love for them, Him, (and you), and conviction for any sin that is in their life. Pray God pours His love, kindness, and provision into their life…anything that will help them to realize how much God and you love them.
  2. Possibly prepare for God to ask you to make a change or to do something uncomfortable.
  3. As much as depends on you, apologize and ask for forgiveness for your part…knowing that the other person may never humble their self by apologizing back to you.
  4. Place your loved one and the entire situation in God’s Hands….and take your hands off (and out of) the situation. Realize God can do more in one MOMENT than you could ever hope to do in an entire LIFETIME.
  5. KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN…meaning, do the right thing and choose to show genuine love no matter what. Take the higher ground. Be completely loving, Christ-like, and kind. Close your mouth (this can be very hard to do!) and do your God-given responsibilities. This will be extremely hard, but remember: God’s got this! He needs for you to reflect His character, love, and glory. It will be very helpful to memorize and recite these scriptures when you’re tempted to put your hands back in the situation or for the times you’re tempted to not keep your nose clean: Exodus 14:14, Ephesians 6:11-13, 1 Samuel 17:47, Psalm 34:18. This does NOT mean be a doormat, but for God to accomplish His greatest work, it’s very important to get out of God’s way and to fully obey God.
  6. Seek and find what helps to heal your heart. It might be going to therapy, talking to a pastor, or working through all of the emotions and grieving through your tough situation.
  7. Have faith and fully expect God to work in the situation. It may or may not be how you had in mind, but God will definitely be working in the situation (and working out the best outcome) as you genuinely trust in Him to do so.
  8. Ask God to provide you with a strong, loving support system: trusted family, trusted friends, trusted pastors/counselors, trusted support groups/biblical community…keyword here is TRUSTED. To get through the toughest times in life, a strong support system is vital. Accountability partners can also be very important. Work on yourself and do your own self-work with the Lord’s help. Consider your individual relationship with the Lord, your joy and life purpose apart from the situation, consider your part in the situation, look soberly at your own faults and possible blind spots – both in and out of the situation, and seek to improve yourself as you love and serve God to the fullest as you wait on Him. (Psalm 46:10, Matthew 6:9-15, Matthew 6:33-34, Proverbs 3:5-6)
  9. . There is a huge difference between peacemaking/compromise and allowing yourself to be manipulated/degraded. God never made anyone to be a doormat. For a relationship to be healthy, both people need to do the right thing. Relationships are like a swinging door… If it’s constantly opening for one person, but slamming shut in the other persons face, that’s never going to work long-term. Be careful allowing yourself to be degraded instead of creating healthy compromise. If genuine repentance and change do not occur, you’re always going to have conflict. It will just be a different situation and a different circumstance. Heart change is needed for lasting results... otherwise you’re just putting a Band-Aid on something that they’re gonna rip off and hurt you again.
  10. Delight in God (Psalm 37:4). When we go through hardships, it becomes easy to become impatient, worry, have anxiety, or become fearful or bitter. We can even be tempted to doubt God’s goodness or become greatly upset with Him. God has a better way! Delight yourself in God, learn to trust and lean on Him, and extravagantly love Him as He carries you through your grief and the storm you are in the middle of. He knows your heart, loves your heart (and knows and loves your loved one’s heart!), and no matter what happens in your situation, He will carry you, heal your broken heart, and love you back to life…no matter what! He will NEVER leave you!! In fact, other than our relationship with our own self, God is the ONLY relationship we are guaranteed to continually have here on earth. We can NEVER lose His love!
  • Allow God to positively change your heart through the process…and whether your situation or relationship changes for the better or not…eventually use your situation to wisely help and encourage others. You are going to be an absolute TREASURE to someone else who will be walking through a similar tough relationship situation. Learn as much as you can through your situation TODAY so you can encourage and help others in the present or FUTURE. God never wastes grief. There is always good that can grow out of it.

    • Whatever situation or relationship you are grieving or experiencing deep heartache in, please realize there is hope! I agree with you in prayer for God to heal, encourage, and help you and your loved one(s) through whatever you are going through. I pray God works mightily in each relationship, heart, mind, spirit, and situation! If a positive outcome is not possible due to a permanent, toxic, or debilitating situation, I pray God grants you the gifts of grace and His peace that passes understanding…and the ability to truly press forward and heal. God DOES love you, He greatly values you, and He already knows how He plans to help you – and every situation of grief you are facing or will ever face!

    Even if a relationship never finds peace or reconciliation again, realize it does NOT diminish your value. Before you were ever a family member, spouse, child, parent, or a friend, you were God’s. He will always unconditionally love you, because you are totally valuable and “enough” to Him. Yes, you will go through incredible heartache if reconciliation does not take place, but God will be there for you every single day—especially on your toughest days!

    There is always hope and your life is precious! Please never forget that!❤️

    Gratitude, healing, love, & many blessings,
    Kim

    ©2016 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

    ❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

    ⭐️For more encouragement:

    🎄Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

    ❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

    ⭐️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

    🎄Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

    ❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

    1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

    2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

    3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

    4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

    5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

    6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

    7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

    ⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print.

    ⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.

    🎄❤️🎄

    7 Things To Realize About Someone Who Is Going Through A Hard Time

    Feb21

    We all know someone who is going through a hard time or a time of grief. It may even be someone in our own family (or our own self) who is going through a tough season in life.

    Sometimes, it can be difficult to know what to say to those who are experiencing an extremely tough time or who are battling deep depression, debilitating anxiety, intense loss, or tumultuous grief…so what happens (many times) is these special people end up being displaced or ignored.

    If you know of someone who has gone through the death of a close loved one, a major breakup or divorce, a suicide attempt, an illness, adultery or betrayal, deep church hurt, family issues, addictions/rebellion/estrangement of a family member, or another situation of great heartache, please consider this list and reach out to them. You truly have the power to make an incredible difference by offering encouragement, compassion, support, and love!

    7 Things To Realize About Someone Who Is Going Through A Hard Time:

    1. Realize they are hurting deeply. Life as they knew it has been abruptly shattered. They may be forgetful, be in a “fog,” or not answer phone calls or text messages.
    Sometimes their pain runs so deep that they seem to lose their way.
    They may act uncharacteristically and say or do things they normally wouldn’t. Grief and loss changes people. They most likely will go through a time of needing to figure out who they are as they rebuild their life.

    2. They may not reach out for help…or they may not yet be open to receiving help. They may feel as though they are in a dark miry pit with no knowledge of how to climb out. They may even be too depressed to even think about getting help. Be there for them. Offer your help. Ask if they specifically need anything. Be a good family member or friend and let them know they have your unconditional love and support.
    Ask, in a supportive and kind way, “How can I help you?” or, “How may I help you through this?”
    Whatever you do, don’t lecture them, try to “fix” them, make them feel guilty or badly for how they feel, or make them feel like they’re your “feel good” project of the day. Just be real..and just be you.

    3. It will take time for them to heal. Anytime a heart is broken, it takes time, comfort, self-work, genuine love, and encouragement to level out.
    They’re not going to just “snap out of it” or “be their old self.” Don’t become frustrated with them. Believe me, they are just as frustrated as you may become after they aren’t able to shut off their heartache or grief. Don’t heap additional guilt onto them by placing unfair expectations on them. They can, and most likely will, emerge from their situation better…but it will take time.

    4. They can seem fine one minute and then be completely down or irritable the next. Feelings can be sporadic and totally unpredictable during times of grief and loss. Allow them to feel what they need to feel…be patient with them.
    There are so many ups and downs a person will go through when going through situations of heartache, anger, and deep grief. Reminders of their loss can also spring up out of nowhere, at any given time, which also create ups and downs for a griever. Please allow them the freedom to go through all of these ups and downs without reacting to them. They’re not meaning to be hurtful–or irritated–on purpose towards others…it is not meant to be personal…they’re merely trying to get through their pain on a day to day (and sometimes an hour by hour) basis.

    5. Don’t assume other people are encouraging them or being there for them. More times than not, they can feel isolated and alone. Even if they don’t ask for it, they need love and encouragement. Show compassionate concern for them. Do NOT ignore them or act as though their grief experience didn’t happen. Don’t drop out of their life. They need loving and loyal support more than ever!
    They WILL remember who was there for them…and who was not.

    6. They truly hate when family and friends attempt to minimize or downplay their pain…or worse, try to make them artificially feel better. Many times, when someone is hurting, their loved ones are desperate to make the one who is hurting feel better. Many times, they want to help but do not understand how to help their loved one, so they fumble around and say whatever awkwardly comes to mind. Most people also try to avoid talking about the uncomfortable topic of grief…so they try to cheer the person up (out of good intentions) by changing the topic or being awkwardly cheerful around the hurting person.
    Be honest and tell the hurting person, “I have no idea what to say or do to help you, but please know that I care and I’m here and I’m willing to help you in any way that I can.”
    Majority of the time, words fall empty and fail but letting them know you care doesn’t.
    Also, if they lost a loved one, don’t be afraid to mention their deceased loved one’s name. Don’t worry about bringing their deceased loved one up in conversation…they’re on their mind and in their heart every single day.

    7. They want family and friends to be genuine and sincere when they reach out to them. They most likely have already heard a ton of well-intentioned cliches, such as, “You’ll find another spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend,” or, “They’re in a better place,” or, “You can always have another baby,” or, “God must’ve needed an angel,” or, “Life isn’t always fair,” or, “Everything happens for a reason,” – and everyone’s seemingly favorite: “I’m praying for you” (absolutely nothing wrong with prayer…just if you say it, please actually do it and continue to pray for your loved one).
    Keep in mind to be helpful by infusing them with hope just by being present, inviting them out for coffee or a movie, or letting them know that although they are in horrible pain, it won’t always be like this. Better days WILL come…in time.
    Some may not want to talk, so empathetically follow their lead.
    If you’re not sure, ask if they’d like to talk, ask how you can specifically pray for them, offer to do a specific errand or chore for them, tell them you would like to bring them dinner, or offer them a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant that they can use at a future date.
    The more sincere, heartfelt, and compassionate you can be, the better.
    Actions always trump words when it comes to helping people through life’s hurts and disappointments.

    In ending this post, it’s important to know that each person is different.
    Some may welcome an opportunity to talk or would love to be invited to do something to take their mind off of their heartache, while some may feel a strong need to isolate themselves and be alone. Some may need to talk about the event that broke their heart, while others may not want to talk about it at all.

    When all else fails, simply show up, reach out (and keep reaching out), allow the person to grieve, LISTEN, and simply be there and care.

    Everybody needs people who care about them. Please consider these 7 ideas and offer your hurting family and friends HOPE, encouragement, and genuine love today!

    ©2014 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

    ❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!❤️

    For more encouragement:

    Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

    Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

    Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

    Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

    FREE YouVersion reading plans:

    1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

    2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

    3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

    4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

    5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

    6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

    7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

    ⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print.

    ⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.

    ❤️

    The Doors & Windows of Grief & Loss

    Feb17

    Sometimes, grief comes in the form of losing a prized goal, dream, or a treasured relationship. 

    A door will close and will cause deep feelings of loss. You may even feel as though you have lost your way. 

    When God closes a door, don’t try to “pick the lock.” 

    Attempting to force a closed door open delays where God desires to guide and direct you. 

    Sometimes God closes a door so He can open an unexpected window. 

    He often will give the view of a window because it offers a different view (as well as an alternative perspective) that you might have missed seeing at ground level. 

    Windows can be BLESSINGS in disguise. 

    When we seek God first and foremost, and keep Him first place in our lives and obey Him, we are guaranteed to be in His perfect will. 

    Trust God to fulfill your life purpose and to open the doors He has predetermined to open for you. 

    It’s not always easy to accept a door that has closed, but trusting God to open another door or window that He sees as best will offer a view…and future…you presently cannot comprehend. 

    Today, ask God to guide and direct your paths and to only open doors that will truly bless your life. Ask for the grace and wisdom to know which doors to keep closed. 

    (Lookup Proverbs 3:5-6, Matthew 6:33)

    ©2014 Kim Niles/Grief Bites. All rights reserved. (from the YouVersion Bible reading plan, Grief Bites:Finding Treasure In Hardships)

    ©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.
    ❤️
    Resources~

    Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): Click here for book

    Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

    Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

    FREE YouVersion reading plans:

    1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 

    2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 

    3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 

    4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)

    Living in the Moment

    Sep23

    In life, we usually are either running TOWARDS our future or FROM our pasts…rarely are we truly living in the MOMENT, simply allowing God to mend and mold our hearts. 

    And it’s easy to want to run away from grief, problems, issues, or circumstances. 

    No matter what happens in life: illness or great health, betrayal or commitments, grief or favor, good times or bad times, success or failure, family/marital harmony or family/marital conflict, etc…ALL situations in life reveal so much about ourselves. 

    Every situation reveals our level of commitment, love, and loyalty to God, our love, loyalty, and service to others, and ALL reveal our true character. 

    EVERYTHING in life has the power to refine us, strengthen us, or weaken us—each shows us a true glimpse of our heart. 

    It’s up to us to continually allow our hearts to be molded by God and allow Him to polish us up to shine for Him…in good times and bad. 

    Sometimes being present in the moment is very difficult to do, but these moments can oftentimes be the times we look back on and realize that God accomplished the most in and through us. 

    As we seek God’s heart and call on Him, we realize He has a great plan for our lives. He truly is worth seeking with our whole heart! 

    What are you running from or towards today? Truly focus on simply being in the moment.

    Run to God’s heart today, then rest in Him. He holds our past, present, and future in His hands so we truly can trust Him with the details of every moment…past, present, and future. 

    Once we trust Him (and this can be difficult to do in the midst of loss), living in the moment becomes a true joy. 

    Ask God to help you to live in the moment each and every day.

    Lookup: Matthew 6:31-34

    ©2014 Grief Bites. All rights reserved. 

    (from the free YouVersion Bible reading plan, Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships by Kim Niles)
    ❤️
    Resources~

    Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): Click here for book

    Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

    Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

    FREE YouVersion reading plans:

    1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 

    2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 

    3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 

    4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)

    When Someone In Your Grief Group Dies

    Jun8

    There is a grief I hadn’t ever experienced before. A grief so deep, words can hardly express the depths. 

    I lead a grief group. We have over 100 members. Sometimes a few people show up, sometimes dozens show up. Each week, God orchestrates exactly who He knows needs to be there.

    I met my beautiful sweet friend a few years ago. I had just opened up our group to those who had suffered deep loss—instead of “just death,” our group began to include those who were experiencing heartache of any kind.

    I remember the first time I met her. She had recently went through a tough divorce and was concerned how her kiddos would be affected. She was brokenhearted.

    Today, her loved ones and I are brokenhearted. 

    I’ve lost many loved ones but never someone in my grief group. It’s a pain like none I’ve experienced before.

    When you’re a part of a grief group, you connect at such a highly emotional and spiritual level…you open up, becoming completely vulnerable, and share your greatest heartaches and disappointments in life. You share your triumphs, valleys, and how God is working in your life and grief. You quickly become loyal to each other, encourage each other, lifting each other up and sharing each other’s burdens. You ultimately become family.

    I was blessed to be a part of her grief recovery. Where there once were tears, I saw her press forward and choose happiness. Where there were insecurities, I saw her choose confidence and the pursuing of her dreams. Where there once was deep hurt, I saw her open her heart and fall in love again with an amazing man. A man who is so incredibly good to her kiddos and loves them like his very own.

    My heart is terribly broken today after losing my sweet friend. Our grief group lost a treasured and much loved sister!

    Today, in honor of my friend, I’d like to ask everyone who reads this a favor:

    Live life BIG in honor of my friend and all of your family members and friends. Don’t just glide through life! I learned this through my friend…she lived life so passionately! Don’t wait to be happy! Don’t wait to truly live! Don’t ever be scared to be yourself or to have fun! Don’t wait to achieve your goals! Serve God and your church family, and truly care about others! Each and every day is a day you will never get back! My sweet friend knew this and lived an incredible life in the few years I was privileged enough to know her and “do life” with her. You never know what life will bring so never take one single breath for granted! 

    Right now, you may have things in your life that are knocking the living breath out of you. You may have trials that are so overwhelming that they’re attempting to absolutely drown you. Overcome every obstacle, thoroughly go through and experience every pain, opportunity, and lesson grief has to offer you, and choose to extravagantly love others and to live your life with everything you have in you!

    Today is the very first day of the rest of your life—live well, grieve well, love everyone you do life with to the best of your ability! 

    I’ll never forget my sweet friend. I’m so thankful God allowed me to know her—and I am thankful I’ll see her again one day! She loved God and her fiancé, kiddos, family, friends, and church family so much!

    Rest in peace my sweet friend—you are forever missed and deeply loved! May we all love and celebrate life…even while going through hardships…like you did!

    Gratitude & blessings,

    Kim

    ©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

    ❤️

    Resources~

    Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): Click here for book

    Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com
    Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

    FREE YouVersion reading plans:
    1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 
    2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 
    3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
    4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)