As a grief and marriage coach, I am frequently asked by others, “How am I ever going to get through this?”
Grief and loss are so incredibly hard to experience…and so many are caught off guard and unprepared for how to get through the toughest days of their life.
There is no such thing as a cookie cutter answer to those who are seeking help and answers. There are commonalities among grievers but grief is so individual.
You take one minute at a time…until you take one hour at a time…then you take one day at a time…then one week at a time…then one month at a time.
Sometimes, all you’ll be able to initially do is make the decision to “exist.”
Then you’ll go through the motions.
Yet, during these times, it’s important to feel what you need to feel. Sometimes, this will feel like a much needed release, but other times, it’s far too painful…so you’ll choose to wait an hour or two – maybe even a day – when you feel you can better handle it.
Allow trusted family & friends to hold you up until you’re able to process your grief.
Key word here is trusted. There’s a big difference between someone who genuinely cares and loves you…and someone who just wants “the scoop” and will use your most vulnerable emotions and details to share with the world.
You’ll initially feel frozen – like the whole world has stopped…then you’ll crawl…then walk…fall down…then get back up and learn how to jog…fall down again…then fully run with God’s grace and help. Then you find out what every griever eventually finds while running: one memory…one song on the radio…one random holiday can trip you out of nowhere…even years later…and the timeline is different for each griever. That’s why it is so vital to stay so close to God…He will lovingly pick you back up. Every. time.
Something that surprised me was random emotions during grief. Your emotions might surprise you too. You may feel irritated or angry out of nowhere. Angry at your loss. Angry at God. Angry at the illness that stole your loved one. Angry at the doctors. Angry at how unfair your situation is. Your anger isn’t just merely anger – it’s a very deep form of grief. It is so important to never allow this part of your grief to win. It will cost you far more than you’ll ever want to pay. Feel what you need to feel…absolutely…just please don’t permanently camp out there. Run to God full force…even when you don’t want to. Especially when you don’t want to.
Never give up hope! It won’t always feel or be as bad as the way it is today…but it takes time and grief work. You’ll get there.💗
Be kind to others and be kind to your own heart. You’re going through one of the toughest times of your life.
Give yourself (and others) compassion and grace.
One day, you’ll realize you smiled for the first time…and laughed…and you might even feel guilty…but choose to press forward. Your treasured loved one enjoyed seeing you happy while they were on earth…they want you to discover happiness and joy again. They want you to have a good life.
It’s tough at times though because each new memory is a new memory without them. It’s okay to feel that tremendous loss…choose to walk through that pain and then also choose to open yourself up to feel the happiness and joy your heart deserves. Fully enjoy the gift of life when you feel ready to do so.
Always remember and honor your treasured loved one…and don’t feel bad or apologize for it. You will never “get over” your loved one or your situation of grief, as some may pressure you to do.
Realize that grief isn’t something you get over, it’s something you eventually get through. The greater the love, the greater the grief. The goal isn’t to get over someone you love…the goal is to eventually warmly smile when you think of your loved one and live life to the fullest in their honor. Make them proud.💗
Look for ways to make a difference in your loved one’s honor…to celebrate their precious life. Do something special for someone in your loved one’s honor – perhaps a family member or friend – every birthday and anniversary…the days that hurt the worst. Maybe go out to eat on their birthday to their favorite restaurant- and then tip the waiter or waitress the amount you would’ve spent on your loved one for their birthday or your anniversary. Or pay for the car behind you in a drive thru. You’ll be surprised how healing this can be as you keep your loved one’s memory alive each year.
When going through grief…be patient with yourself (and your loved ones).
It’s literally as though you’ve been in an emotional “car crash”…it takes time to heal.
If you were in a car crash, you’d need triage help at first…maybe even multiple surgeries…then perhaps physical therapy and occupational therapy to help you learn how to live life again.
Grief is no different.
Take the time you need to learn how to live life again. God is with you every step of the way.
You are valuable. You are so very loved. I’m glad you’re here…and that you are continually choosing to remain here. Your life holds exceptional purpose and value.
Grief is a mixture of so many emotions. It’s one of the toughest events you’ll ever experience in life.
You’ll never be the same.
You’ll see every part of life so differently.
And you’ll grow.
You’re going to make it through this heartbreaking, gut wrenching, terrible time. With God’s help, love, mercy, grace, and encouragement, He’ll help you pick up every piece of your life that was shattered. Simply ask Him. He is there. He deeply cares. He loves you more than anybody ever has and ever will.
Never give up hope!💗
©2021 Kim Niles/Grief Bites. All rights reserved.
❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!
⭐️Some additional blog posts that may encourage your heart:
The Value of Anger in Grief: https://griefbites.com/2017/04/03/the-value-of-anger-in-grief/
What To Do When You Can’t Take Anymore: https://griefbites.com/2021/02/27/what-to-do-when-you-cant-take-anymore/
When God Doesn’t Give You Your Fairytale: https://griefbites.com/2018/03/21/when-god-doesnt-give-you-your-fairytale-2/
7 Things To Realize About Someone Going Through A Hard Time: https://griefbites.com/2016/02/20/7-things-to-realize-about-someone-going-through-a-hard-time/
❤️Making peace with God: http://www.peacewithgod.net
⭐️For more encouragement:
❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): https://www.christianbook.com/getting-knocks-transparent-journey-seeking-through/k-b-h-niles/
❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: https://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief
❤️Kim’s blog: https://www.griefbites.com
❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:
1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships
2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed
3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays
5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5
6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv
7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus
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⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.