A question I am continually asked by grievers during the holidays is: āShould I fully celebrate Christmas or not? My head says āyes,ā but my heart says, āno.āā
Itās such a personal topic ā with no ārightā or āwrongā answer ā and it doesnāt have just one correct answer either.
It also can look different for each situation, as well as year-to-year ā and can depend on where you are at in your grief. In fact, my family and I have handled this dilemma in different ways, depending on the grief event, as well as different years, too.
A few ways my family and I have navigated the holidays while going through painful grief (again, there are no cookie-cutter, right or wrong, answers)ā¦this is just what we were comfortable doing:
When my 22 year-old sister died, leaving behind three small children (a baby and two toddlers), and I had a toddler at the time, tooā¦my family and I felt strongly we were not going to compromise Christmas or give the kiddos any sad holiday memories. Looking back, I have no idea how we mustered the strength to do so, but we chose to go all out and gave our familyās kiddos the best Christmas we could. Iām not saying it was easyā¦it totally wasnātā¦but we didnāt want to add to their loss. At one point, I had to go outside to cry for a few minutes so they wouldnāt see my heartacheā¦and that night, while in the shower and after I got in bed, I cried pretty hard. However, Iām very grateful we chose to do what we didā and I give all the credit to God. It was definitely His grace that got us through that first heartbreaking, impossible, gut wrenching Christmas.
Another holiday season ā years later when we werenāt responsible for children ā it looked a lot different. Years after my 22 year-old sister died, my other sister experienced her 2nd fiancĆ©ās death (her 1st fiancĆ© died a few weeks before our sister died). With this grief event, we no longer had small childrenā¦all of the kids were college-ageā¦so my family and I gave ourselves permission to have a much more relaxed Christmas season. We exclusively focused on Jesus, family, and the peace of the season. Thatās it. We didnāt place any pressure on ourselves to have the perfect Christmas season or a āhappyā holiday. We pretty much just āwinged itā and did whatever we felt comfortable doing each day. I found I liked and appreciated this so much that I have made a portion of the Christmas season a time for peace and relaxation.
What about traditions? Itās totally okay to balance old traditions with new traditions. Old traditions help us to honor and remember our loved ones. New traditions help us to create something newā¦it can help to refocus our heartā¦especially during times of grief.
Okayā¦so here comes the difficult partā¦
Iām going to write about something super hard to talk about. I donāt like to write about itā¦I seriously feel like a jerk for what Iām about to writeā¦but I wouldnāt be responsible if I didnāt. Please know it comes from a good place of overwhelming compassion. And experience. Hopefully, my pain can be someone elseās gain.
You know how you take your kiddo to the doctor for a painful shot? It hurts at the time, but it can prevent something worse in the future? Hereās your holiday āshot.ā It may sound toughā¦but it will prevent future grief and heartacheā¦
Something nobody likes to think about or talk aboutā¦and something important I found (it was bitterly learned through deep regret): no matter the grief event I face, I choose to celebrate the Christmas season, as best as I can, with my remaining loved ones. Whether I feel like it or not. No matter the grief event Iām going through. Exclusively because Iām not guaranteed they or I will be āhereā to celebrate with the following year. Illness can happenā¦cancer can happenā¦car accidents can happenā¦freak accidents can happenā¦weāre just not guaranteed tomorrowā¦so it is wise to make the most of every day, every holiday, and every opportunity. Time waits for no one.
I didnāt use to think this way; in fact, I previously and vehemently encouraged others to ādo whatever they need to do to get through the holidays (as long as they arenāt hurting Godās heart, others, or their own self)āā¦but then, regret set in when a loved one died in a freak accident – and I realized I had wasted my last holiday and time with them due to choosing grief over relationships.
I now continually tell myself: Grief has already stolen so muchā¦please do not allow it to steal more from you than it already has.
I cannot stress this enough: it is so very important to love, make memories, and spend time with our remaining treasured loved onesā¦we are never guaranteed more timeā¦we do not know what tomorrow holds.
An important quote (a very painful, but good quote by Kelli Horn) which totally sums it up: āEven though I am grieving, the clock is still tickingā¦and thatās why I keep livingā¦purposefully.ā Itās so incredibly true. I think about this quote anytime I feel like not living life fully. I also focus on what God, my deceased loved ones, and remaining loved ones would want for meā¦and what they need from me. I continually ask myself if my choices will allow grief to steal more away from meā¦or cause further/future grief or regrets.
So does that mean we superficially be fake and act happy? Act like our hearts are healed when theyāre totally not? Wear ourselves thin when weāre utterly exhausted? Absolutely not. We balance our grief with cherishing our remaining treasured loved ones, as we create meaningful memories during the holiday season. We balance times for familyā¦with time for our grief. And tears may surfaceā¦and we may need to create a relaxed or even different holiday ā which is totally okay. We can trade in fun or hurried traditions for peaceful and more meaningful traditions. Those who love us best will understandā¦and will show us compassion.
All I am writing about is not the gospel. Itās simply a personal opinion and preference – built around my unique grief and life experiences. Itās just how my family and I have chosen to do a few holiday seasons while we were in deep grief, and how weāve decided to create our new normal for holidays.
There are times to relax or take a breakā¦and times to press forward. This year, we are right in the middle of excruciatingly painful grief, so we are pressing forward. My Dad was recently diagnosed with stage 4 metastasized cancerā¦so even though none of us are feeling super cheerful, we are absolutely determined to have the best Christmas season ever, as we make lasting memories as a familyā¦especially with my Dad.
Everyone has to choose to do Christmas in their own unique and individualized wayā¦because each person will need to be comfortable with their own grief, feelings, and decisions. Each person has to weigh their individual blessings, responsibilities, potential regrets, consequences, comfort level, and spiritual/emotional/physical/mental health. Itās wise to look at the past, present, as well as the future when choosing how to best create the Christmas season.
Soooā¦is it wrong to stay home and have a peaceful Christmas? Or go out of town for the holidays for a change of pace? Or forgo your usual Christmas traditions or create brand new traditions? Absolutely not.
Each person/family needs to make the best decisions for their family and their self, pray about it, and then do as God directs them. Soul/emotional care is so very important. Sometimes, itās necessary to do what you need to do to protect your heart.
Just a tip: Any decision made this year doesnāt have to be made in cementā¦it can always be changed up the following year. Itās helpful to communicate this with loved onesā¦it can prevent conflict.
Iām often asked what I do for the holidays. I personally have found focusing on the true Reason for the season, family, and doing kind things for others is incredibly helpful and brings my heart joy. Iāve grown a lot throughout my grief. I enjoy Jesus and all the season has to offerā¦and make the best memories I can with my loved ones. I always count the cost.
My advice for the holidays? Custom create a special Christmas season that āfitsā where you currently are in your grief and life. Be loving and compassionate to your loved ones, and communicate with them how you feel. Ask how theyāre feeling, too. Look for ways to love others and make a difference. Take time to remember and honor your loved ones who now live with Jesus. Figure out together with God and family how to create a meaningful, special holiday season.
Grief is excruciating. The first few years are incredibly hard. Sometimes, random years will punch you as hard as the first Christmas without your loved one. It wonāt always feel as bad as it does todayā¦the pain eventually lessens. It usually gets worse before it gets betterā¦butā¦your best days may not have even happened yet. Whether itās holidays, family, life, or grief, all are precious and worthy of embracing.
With a heart of gratitudeā¦even though it hurts so incredibly badā¦make the most of all God, family, and life have to offerā¦and that will look different for each person.
However you choose to unwrap the Christmas season, I pray God will bless you with all the gifts the season has to offer. I also pray God will carry, deeply comfort, strengthen, encourage, love, and bless all of you.
Wishing you a very peaceful, healing, meaningful, and blessed Christmas season!
Gratitude & blessings,
~Kim
Ā©2021 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.
ā¤ļøIf you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!
āļøFor more encouragement:
ā¤ļøMaking peace with God: http://www.peacewithgod.net
ā¤ļøGetting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s $3.19 book): https://www.christianbook.com/getting-knocks-transparent-journey-seeking-through/k-b-h-niles/
ā¤ļøConnect on Facebook by “liking” page: https://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief
ā¤ļøKim’s blog: https://www.griefbites.com
ā¤ļøFREE YouVersion reading plans:
1. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays
2. āļøNEWāļø The True Treasure of Christmas: https://www.bible.com/en/reading-plans/28852
3. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5
4. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv
5. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships
6. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed
7. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites
8. Valentineās Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus
āļøā¤ļøšBe sure to āfollowā the Grief Bites page on Facebook so you wonāt miss any holiday encouragement! Weāll be posting encouraging quotes, recipes, excerpts from holiday reading plans, special songs, ideas of how to lovingly remember & honor your treasured loved ones, as well as holiday tips and advice from those who have experienced grief during the holidays. Iāll also be sharing helpful ideas from other grief organizations as wellā¦and tagging them so their pages can encourage your heart, too! We look forward to encouraging you!
āļøAll content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print.
āļøāļøAll content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.
Grief Bites 