Reposting my blog post after a few people have asked me about regret. I hope this encourages anyone who is working through guilt and regrets. đŠˇ
Something that truly breaks my heart is when I talk with grievers who are dealing with guilt and regrets.
They share how they felt they could have prevented the death of their loved one, or they had an argument (or regret) right before their loved oneâs death. Perhaps even after their grief event.
I also talk to other grievers who feel guilty for words left unspoken or not getting a second chance to say what was truly on their heart. Some never had an opportunity to make things right with their loved oneâŚand say, âIâm sorryââŚorâŚâI love you.â
Some werenât sure how to feel after a family member or friendâs death because the relationship was complicated.
I can genuinely relate to the pain of each of these situations. Iâve been through grief experiences when my guilt and regrets competed with my grief. Itâs a terrible, agonizing feeling.
A few situations:
Right before my sister passed away, she and I got into an argument over something incredibly dumb. We very rarely argued so this particular incident was hurtful to the both of us. We both said things we ended up regretting. She was so mad, we didnât talk for over a week. I ended up sending her flowers with a card that told her I was sorry and I missed herâŚbut in my hurt and pride, I did not write the words, âI love youâ on the card.
Iâm grateful we worked the situation out before she died, but, boy, did this situation torment me for several years after she had passed away.
The guilt was thickâŚand my regrets ran deep. I asked myself a thousand times, âWhy did you not tell her you loved her on that card?ââŚâWhy didnât you realize she was sick?â
I had told my sister I loved her tons of times throughout her life, and several times after that incidentâŚwe were best friends. And thereâs no way I, or anyone else, couldâve realized how sick she wasâŚshe was only sick for a few weeks with what seemed to be seasonal allergies before she died.
But after someone we love dies, we truly can balloon up every guilt and regret we have to a much bigger level.
Another situation of guilt and regret had deeply affected me a few years before my sisterâs death:
In high school, I had a boyfriend who was going on a trip with friends. He came over to my house the night before he was to leave and told me he was considering calling off goingâŚall I had to do was say the word. Not wanting to keep him from having fun, I told him I wasnât going to tell him what to doâŚbut I encouraged him to have a good time. We had plans the weekend after he was to get back so I explained we could spend time together then.
Iâll never forget my mom coming into my room with tears streaming down her face. She turned on the TV in my bedroom, and thatâs when I saw on the news that my boyfriend had died while on his trip. Within half an hour, two of his best friends came over to my house to tell me what I already knew.
Seeing my momâs tears, his friends facesâŚand especially seeing his mom sobbing uncontrollably at the funeralâŚleft me with more guilt than I could handle.
I asked myself too many times to count: Why didnât I tell him to stay?
It was several years before I had the ability to forgive myself for both of these situations.
I also had a lot of regrets to work through after a loved one committed suicide.
Guilt and regrets donât just occur after a loved oneâs deathâŚthey can also surface in many life situations: an event that destroys lives, adultery, poor decisions, parenting mistakes, estranged relationships, health/disability choices, a bad career move, abortion, unspoken grief events, not making wise life, marriage, or family choices, etc.
I know many people who struggle with deep guilt and regret from similar situationsâŚstemming from both death and life decisionsâŚor feeling as though they couldâve prevented a tragedy from happeningâŚor unspoken words to loved ones who have passed onâŚor arguments and conflicts that never got resolvedâŚor deep regrets from not communicating in a better wayâŚor suicide issuesâŚor holding back affectionâŚor â and this is a big one â playing the tortuous game of âIf onlyâ and âI wish I wouldâveââŚetc.
So what do you do with regrets and guilt that torment you?
A few things that helped me significantly (and these may help you too):
1. Talking to God about the guilt and regrets and asking Him to heal your broken heart.
2. Asking God to ask your loved ones in Heaven for their forgiveness and asking Him to tell them how much you love and miss them.
3. Realizing that your loved one totally forgives youâŚIn Heaven, they are not holding anything against anyone that had been said or done on earth. What once upset them here does not even remotely upset them in Heaven. They have forgiven others ⌠and they truly want their loved ones to forgive themselves and live a purpose-filled, lovely life.
4. Writing your loved one a note about the situation then shredding it. As you shred it, imagine the situation being completely finished.
5. Forgiving yourself – and being kind to your heart – and realizing everyone is fallible. Hindsight is always 20/20. If each person wouldâve known better, they totally wouldâve done better. 100%! Our loved ones would want for us to know that they wouldâve done better too.
6. I made it a priority to learn valuable lessons from my guilt and regrets. This isnât always easyâŚbut the lessons are there.
7. I chose and made a commitment not to ever repeat the same mistakes from this day forward. As you learn, you grow. Nobody will ever be perfect, but we can choose to continually improve ourselves daily.
I learned through guilt and regrets powerful lessons can be learned. I learned through the first situation to use my words much more carefully, to work out problems quickly, and to forgive others and myselfâŚI also learned to say, âI love you,â to my loved ones more frequently. As a result, I am now very mindful of how I treat my loved ones and consistently treat them as well as I possibly can. I also am very mindful to say, âI love youâ to my loved ones â and considering the cost of any decisions I make.
I also learned life is precious. People can be here today and gone tomorrow. I do my best to not take loved ones â or life â for granted.
Grieving is tough. Navigating guilt and regrets is hard. But God is in the details and is willing to bring healing â if you look to Him.
God was so good to show me two Bible verses that gently hugged my broken heart and brought it back to life:
Psalms 139:16, âYour eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began.â
Deuteronomy 32:39, âSee now that I alone am He; there is no God but Me. I bring death and I give life⌠No one can rescue anyone from My hand.â
Every day of my loved onesâ lives â their birth date and their death date â were pre-planned. I didnât have the power to prevent tragedy.
God also surprised me with a bittersweet revelation: since Heaven is the ultimate goalâŚI could emotionally release my loved ones, my guilt and regrets, and all of my feelings to God and be thankful for blessing my loved ones with the gift of living with Him in paradise. Blaming myself was futile tooâŚnone of my loved ones would come back to earth if given the choice.
Guilt and regrets are agonizing when we look at things from an earthly perspective. When we look at things from an eternal perspective, thatâs where we find healing.
If you are in the valley of guilt and regrets, I encourage you to pour your heart out to God. You have carried the guilt long enough. Carrying guilt and regrets may make you feel as though you are atoning for what happened in the past, but there is a better way: take your broken heart, guilt, and regrets to God, lay them in His loving hands, and ask Him to take these burdens from you. He has the power and ability to lift them as He truly heals your heart.
We cannot do anything about the pastâŚbut we can learn valuable lessons and choose to do better from this day forward.
God wants to take all of the heavy burdens life throws at usâŚand we continually need to allow Him to.
I pray God truly and genuinely heals everybodyâs heart who is going through guilt and regrets.
Gratitude, healing, & many blessings,
Kim
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