Thank you so much for visiting the official Grief Bites blog!
My name is Kim and I am a wife (of 25 years), mom, author, freelance writer, inspirational speaker, and the co-founder of Grief Bites. I am also a coffee lover, a tae kwon do, martial arts & UFC enthusiast (currently training to get my 2nd degree black belt), and I love to travel.
I hope you are encouraged as you read all of the Grief Bites posts on this blog.
Grief Bites is a place where you can grab a cup of coffee or tea and read thoughts on grief, hardships, family, faith, music, health, travel, & life.
Anyone who has been through grief, or has enriched their faith, knows what defining moments in life grief, faith, & hardships can be.
Going through the deaths of my dad, sister, grandparents, and boyfriend, as well as other family members and friends, has taught me many life lessons. Going through my son having tumors, my own illness, and other hardships, has also taught me valuable lessons in life.
Hoping this blog is a source of encouragement, joy, healing, and vibrancy to all who read it! 😀
If you would like to sign up for my FREE Bible Reading Plans on grief & loss from YouVersion, please click the links on this page.
If you would like to purchase a copy of Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You, there is a link to do so on this page, too.
Blessings, Encouragement, & Gratitude to all!
*All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, share, or print.
**All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to help and encourage others by sharing our personal experiences we have gone through with our own personal grief. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or pastor for guidance and advice.**132 Comments
I just have one thing that is really eating at me and has me out of sorts during my grieving process. I lost my wife of 25 years to cancer earlier this year leaving my 5 children along with myself. I know I’m going through terrible grief right now. I have read your book, youversion plans, and some of your posts as well. While married and even before then, I served God and was consistent in my walk and life with Christ. Since my wife’s passing, I am struggling terribly in anything dealing with spirituality. The one thing I could always turn to in tough times for comfort seems to be evading me currently. I have found no comfort in his word, in my attempts to pray, and even in my attempts to continue in church. In the midst of my grief, I don’t know if this is normal or if I’m seriously going down a dark road. I am just not finding comfort right now from the one thing that was near and dear to me. I feel like I have been hurt by someone very close to me, like never before. I’ve tried even complaining to him about how I feel and being honest in my words, but still nothing. I feel stuck and definitely now have an emptiness inside my life….not just from losing my wife but also in my walk with God. I need to know if there is something wrong with me. I have tried talking with my pastor, but to no avail, and I’m now seeing a Christian counselor. Nothing seems to be working. Honestly, I feel better when I’m alone with my kids or just myself. I hate going through the “motions” like returning to my job. I don’t want to do things just for the sake of doing things. HELP!!!!
I am so sorry to hear of your wife’s cancer and homegoing! My deepest condolences!
What you are feeling is normal and it takes time to work all of the emotions out after we lose someone who is a treasure.
I have been through tough grief experiences where I felt similar…it’s a very tough place to be.
When I was going through one particular grief event, I heard a really good analogy: “In our walk with God, I like to equate it to food. Sometimes, our relationship with the Lord is like a continual feast…it has lots of tasty variety, we feel very fulfilled, and it’s an absolute joy. Other times, it’s like plain oatmeal…very dry, bland, and disappointing, with a need to trust God for the nourishment and sustainment He provides us with in these toughest seasons.”
Before I wrote my YouVersion reading plan, Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships, I had gone through an “oatmeal” season.
A grief writer I am close to (who also experienced the death of the love of her life) also described going through what you’re experiencing, and her spiritual difficulty lasted a little over a year.
I’m glad you will be going to a Christian counselor. I think you will find that very helpful. I also think you may find a grief group helpful and encouraging. One of my favorites is GriefShare. You can find a local meeting on their website: http://www.griefshare.org
GriefShare also offers a daily encouraging email on their website too.
I pray God will continually reveal Himself to your heart each day, and meet you in the middle of your heartache, as He begins to heal your heart!
I’m praying for you and your family!
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my questions and concerns. I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and maybe one day it will come together. Don’t know what else to do. Thanks again so much! Appreciate your ministry. God bless!
God bless you too, Garry!
Take it one day at a time and please take care!
I, too, am very sorry for your and your children’s loss of your wife/their mother. I see that it has been nearly 2.5 years since your first comment. I hope that you are finding your “new normal” and that it is not still a period of “plain oatmeal” but rather a lavash feast of delicious, spiritual nourishment!
I also wanted to encourage you, if you have not yet done so, to look into GriefShare, as mentioned by Grief Bites in their reply to your first comment. I don’t know how much you know about it, so I wanted to encourage you (and anyone else reading this who may be interested yet still unsure about it) to read the “About” page of the GriefShare website: https://www.griefshare.org/about
After my mom passed away 5 years ago of cancer at age 69, I went through the 13-week GriefShare program a couple of times. I chose to go through it more than once since it has been SO comforting and supportive the first time through. Then, I went through it twice again, by choice, after my dad passed away 3 years later. I still hold dear each session of each 13-week group that I attended.
For just a glimpse of what you will encounter, here are the weekly session topics:
1. Is This Normal?
2. Challenges of Grief
3. The Journey of Grief – Part One
4. The Journey of Grief – Part Two
5. Grief and Your Relationships
7. Guilt and Anger
8. Complicating Factors
10. Lessons of Grief – Part One
11. Lessons of Grief – Part Two
13. What Do I Live for Now?
Also, if you and/or your children find the holidays particularly difficult, please look at this page: https://www.griefshare.org/holidays
And their “Loss of a Spouse” page may be particularly helpful: https://www.griefshare.org/loss
There are more things on their website that may prove quite informative, educational, conforming, and helpful in your healing journey.
May God bless all of you!
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Thank you so much for the wonderful and kind words. I’m moving on but still feel a huge hole and a numbness to life even today. Taking care of my kids and working occupy some of my time but unfortunately it’s not enough. In regards to grief share, I wish they had an online course that I could work with in and around my schedule. I am a coach and teacher and pretty much live at the school. I’d like to attend the meetings but unfortunately for me it’s impossible with what I do.
The song and the sermon comfort me. Lift up your eyes to Jesus, He is with you in your pain. Trust yourself to Him.
Amen! God bless you, Annie!
Thank you and thank you for taking the time to encourage me.
Annie, thank you for encouraging Garry & others! I appreciate it!
Garry, I completely empathise with how you feel. I lost my husband/best friend of 30 years in March. I have been an active Christian since high school, taught Sunday school for 20 years, was a singer in the praise team before my husband’s illness. We prayed earnestly for him, had people all over the nation praying for him. He went from being active and seemingly healthy at time of diagnosis to dead in 7 months. How does that happen?! I was shaken to the core. My faith was shattered. I was angry with God. I was consumed with “Why?!” I stopped believing that God heals. I doubted His goodness. I could hardly bear to read the Word… but I continued to rise early each morning to slog through my daily devotions even though I didn’t feel like it. I read all the Grief Bites devotions, and others and I joined a GriefShare group where I learned that these feelings are actually normal. What a relief it was to know that! Eventually, I’ve been able to acknowledge God’s sovereignty and that my husband’s days of life were ordained and written in the Book of Life before any of them came to be. I am finally enjoying my precious Lord and His word once again. I have also finally been able to return to church, and got through last Sunday without tears. I’m not ready to return to singing just yet, and i dread the holidays. But, i see glimmers of hope on the horizon. The days are getting a bit less hard. Hang on, my friend. Find a GriefShare group, it helps immensely ( I really had my doubts about it before I joined, but am so glad I did). May God bless you. Oh – I’m also the mother of 5 grown children…I know Your days are full and exhausting. Do you have family that can help you? Getting adequate rest will help your emotions and ability to cope…
I appreciate your response, but I am still unable to even do what you have been able to do. I have no desire to do anything remotely in God’s direction. I know your situation isn’t or wasn’t any less difficult than mine without a doubt, but I am shaken to the point that I feel like I have nothing left spiritually in my tank. Literally it feels as though anything spiritually I had left, died with my wife. I know I should, being a christian most of my life and all of my marriage, respond differently but I can’t and won’t right now. I also know I have the CHOICE to respond in a more productive manner, but I don’t care right now to contemplate or even think that direction. I am doing good to struggle to live each day right now and also take care of my children. I am simply just going through the motions, which is the best I can do. How do you recover from this (& I know thousands upon thousands have) when all my hope was put in God and his word to heal my wife and yet it didn’t happen. I figure I’ll get back there one day, but I just hope that it doesn’t end up taking me too long where I regret it. I have tried to methodically and uninterestingly continued to try and read my devotions and continue in my christian walk, but right now all God-assocaited things repulse me and only remind me of what happened to my wonderful wife. I have tried counseling and groups to assist me but I am unwavering in my intentions at this point in time. I do wish I felt differently and could think differently, but unfortunately I can’t and don’t. From everything that has happened I have simply learned that things are what they are regardless of where I am with God. It’s the only way I am surviving to this point. Going to work, taking care of the house and children, and trying to live with myself. I know nothing else. I do appreciate your attempt to encourage me, as others have, but this is the way my journey is going at this present moment. Hopefully things change…….but then again I have to utilize HOPE and I know where that has left me to this point. One day………maybe……..
Garry, I am so very sorry for your heartache and pain!
I’ve had a few family members similarly experience what you’re going through – one was intensely repulsed by God, Church, and spiritual matters for four years – and it’s a tough place to be. Another one prayed heavily for her love’s healing…fasting, praying, believing, etc…and the healing didn’t come. Her love passed away after being in the hospital for a very long year.
I want to encourage you that what you’re feeling is normal. You lost one of the most precious & greatest treasures in your life and it will be raw for a long time. My heart really hurts for anyone who has to experience that. Please know that God loves you and He truly does care about you and your children…I pray you will have the ability to see that in the future even though you can’t feel it right now.
I will be praying for you and your children. Please feel free to read my blog and the Grief Bites page on Facebook.
I am really sorry about all you & your family are going through! Grief and loss are very, very tough!
I read your blogs quite often actually. I really appreciate the sympathy and encouragment that you offer others as well as myself. It is extremely soothing to have someone tell you that it is quite normal for this to occur this way. Even though I understand God, in his foreknowledge, knew I would repsond like this doesn’t make it any easier for me. As a matter of fact, I hate feeling this way and wish I would have responded more appropriately as a christian, but then again what’s “appropriate” or “normal”. It is also very upsetting for me to know the Word of God, but yet it brings me nor my children no comfort today. They say one day I’ll get there but for me right now it doesn’t even seem like a possbility. The one thing I have learned from this journey is to not fight whay I am experiencing or going through. I have learned to accept things for the way they are and to try and cope the best way I can. I am able to only do so much as half a person. Once again, I do thank you for your insight and willingness to share with others what God has called you to do. God bless!!!!
I think taking your time and not forcing yourself to feel something that isn’t authentic is totally appropriate during grief.
A blog post I wrote that may encourage you:
It’s about anger being appropriate during grief, but may also be helpful for numbness, intense pain, frustration, or times of just trying to keep your heart from completely drowning.
I hope this helps, even if just a little.
Thank you for taking the time to offer encouragement! It is very appreciated!
Thank you for the Grief Bites resources. I’ve found them very helpful. I just wanted Garry to know that there are others of us who get it…and for him not to beat himself up about the way he feels right now. There are certain verses of scripture that still sting, like “the effectual, fervent prayers of the righteous avail much.” I felt like my prayers didn’t avail a thing, then I was devastated that maybe it was because i wasn’t righteous enough… but I’ve gotten to a better place than I was, and he will get incrementally better eventually, too. I’m so sorry, Garry, for what you’re going through. I truly hope that your agony eases so that you will be able to see a glimmer of light. One thing that helps me is to focus on the things I’m grateful for…that I had 30 wonderful years with a great guy, when I know people who haven’t had a single happy year of marriage…and other blessings that I’m thankful for.
Thx so much L L! I appreciate your words so very much. It means so much to me that I be allowed to feel and be the way I am presently, but to also read it from other people. At this point, it’s all I know or can do. I’m grateful for the 26 years I knew Sherry as my wife and best friend, but I haven’t gotten to the point of having a genuine thankfulness because it stings too much. How I long for these days to end but they never come. I have read many stories of people who have their recovering moment that allows them to become a new person and to resume a full life without their spouse. For me, though, I am literally stuck. Because of that, I want to feel every agonizing moment that I go through and it’s like I prefer to be miserable or at least not happy most of the time. It’s twisted and almost sick, but it’s where I can feel the most……my loss of the only love of my life. I find myself guarding my emotions in order to keep me from feeling too much happiness. Oh, I don’t know anymore……… I hate everything about this situation and often think to myself what did or didn’t do right. I know that’s not what it’s about, but I feel that. I feel my life has no direction, despite taking care of my children, home, and being back at work. Everything is just about going through the motions with large amounts of paralyzing numbness. I have these perpetual feeling of nausea and emptiness inside. It’s the worst! However, once again, I thank you for taking an interest to reach out to me. Your words are heartfelt and very sincere, and for that I can’t thank you enough. Really!
It’s diificult for me to go through this while my children are seeing what I’m doing. I know they understand but there will consequences from all of my actions. It scares me to a point.
Garry, I , too, have wrestled with much guilt…should I have sought a different doctor? Should I have insisted on this or that? Did I miss something or not do something that could have helped? What words could i, should i, have spoken had i realized the end was so near? And that just adds to the pain. You’ve experienced an amputation of such an important part of you. It’s excruciating. How do we go on without that other, best half of ourselves? And you apparently deeply loved your wife, or you wouldn’t hurt so badly. That’s actually a good thing. Your children see and know your pain, yes, but they also see how much you loved and miss their mother. It surely validates their own feelings of grief and sadness. We all grieve in our own time and in our own way… you’re not doing it wrong, brother. Once again, don’t add to your sorrow by beating yourself up. Love on your kids and let them do the same for you. Don’t be afraid to talk with them about their Mom, and leave the door open for them to talk to you and ask questions. Weep together. You’ll get through this together.
A friend who lost her husband handled her pent up emotions by going to a farm, walking yards out into the middle of the field, and throwing dirt clods and screaming until she was spent. I went to our horse barn and wept and wailed there. It was a turning point. Find a place and a way to safely release the pressure of the indwelling anger and sadness. Let it all out. It’s remarkable that it helps, but it does, and it’s not the be all and end all, but it’s a baby step toward healing. Blessings, brother.
Thanks so much for every word you have shared with me. I cant tell you how much they sooth and help me. It’s nice to know that someone else understands and believes what you are going through is normal. I know it will be a long process and it will take a while. Thanks so much for the wonderful encouragement! God bless!
My 18 year old daughter passed away 12/12/17 from complications of her Lupus. Since she passed, I basically live in the last year of her life but mostly the last 4 months of her life. We went to the hospital after she had stomach pain she couldn’t bear anymore on 8/12/17. Never knew we would walk in, but she would never walk out. It was errors in her care from the start, but she fought. Her pain got worse in the hospital, but she fought. She was on life support 3 times, 1st one after contracting septis infection, but she fought. We often said we were all we had, my Lu and I, now I have no one.
I read grief bites 45 day and 60 day plan on you version. It was extremely helpful and very comforting at times. It helped with my relationship with GOD, since I strayed from him especially after my daughter died. Sad and hard saying died, I rather say passed. I have had agonizing regrets and more could have, should have and would haves that I ever thought I could have. Cianna was diagnosed with Lupus October 2014. After she passed I was told her lupus was very aggressive. She had several hospital stays. It affected her brain, bones, skin, and lastly her pancreas that she never recovered from. Why didn’t I do more. Take her to better drs, better hospitals (although she was supposedly in the best) they failed her, but I failed her the worse.
This year has been the hardest of my life. I went from thinking I couldn’t go on to still being alive. This road is hard, my daughter was the love of my life and I let her down. I will always wish I did more. I will always regret not being a better mom. The life I lead now is hard, but full of discoveries. I loss my mom 1/31/13, I thought that would be my biggest heartbreak. My grandfather 4/2014. Then my precious daughter 12/12/17, biggest heartbreak ever, greatest loss. I don’t know how I’m going on, but I am. I will stay close to GOD, read my bible plans, and take life minute by minute until that one sweet day that I can see her face again.
Rebecca, I am so very sorry for your devastating loss and heartache! 😦
I pray God will comfort and encourage your heart – especially on Dec 12 and throughout this Christmas season!
I saw my mom go through my 22 year old sister’s death so my heart truly goes out to you!! It is indeed an extremely hard road (& grief) to walk through!
Thank you for sharing your daughter’s story with me. It sounds like you two had a very special & meaningful relationship! I’m so sorry for your great loss!
You’re welcome and thank you for your condolences and kind words. It meant alot to me.
Rebecca, thx so much for sharing your experience with me. I appreciate and know how hard it is to share your feelings, emotions, and most of all, reliving those dreaded moments. I hope one day I can get back to my relationship with God but right now it’s not an option for me. I’m moving forward as best I can doing what I’ve been doing……..surviving, although many would say not to the fullest. But for me, it is what it is. Thx again for sharing your story of your daughter with me. I know I’m not alone.
You’re welcome. You are not alone Garry. This road is a rough, very bumpy, evil road we are on. The nightmare never ends. I pray we all continue to make it day by day.
You’re definitely right about that! 100%! Total agreement with every word you’ve spoken.
For me, in my grief, there are three scriptures that hold me to Him: a) Micah 7:8 “When I sit in darkness the Lord is a light to me.” I am was a very active person, but grief and loss stopped me in my path. I had to sit due to not knowing the next step, being exhausted, needing to rest, etc. In my sitting He was there, even if I did not perceive Him. b) Psalm 23: 3 “he restores my soul” The implication is that my soul is out of sorts (due to my grief) and He will return it to be in sync with Him in my resting in His pastures. C) In John 10:28 Christ said this about His sheep that “no one can snatch them out of My hand”. I believe that even in my grief not even my isolation, pain, anger, loss, my circumstances or anything else can take me away from Christ even if I think it can. He remains and will restore in His time and way. Thank you for the dry oatmeal example. It made me laugh.
These are awesome scriptures and the way you described how they apply to your life are beautiful! Thank you for sharing!
You’re so welcome! 🙂
Do you have any bible studies that I can buy for my Grief Ministry at my church?
The current curriculum we use for Grief Bites is using the book, Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You, by having everyone in the group read one chapter per week. It’s great because anyone can jump in at anytime and not be lost. It also allows flexibility for times when a participant needs more in-depth discussion or if a new participant comes and truly needs to talk about the grief event they’re going through.
You can also use any of the free YouVersion plans Grief Bites has as a springboard for discussions.
You can find all of the links to these on most of the Grief Bites blog posts.
The other co-founder of Grief Bites and I will be offering a 12 week online/video grief program later in 2020, too.
I hope this information helps!
Wishing you a peaceful & blessed Christmas season!🎄⭐️