Tag Archive | timing through grief

Grief: When No Closure Can Be Found

Going through grief is excruciating.

Having to go through a grief experience where there is no ability to have closure is terrible.

There have been grief experiences in my life where the grief had a beginning and an opportunity for closure. Then there were other grief experiences that were like a wild roller coaster ride that had no end. To be honest, I’ve been on two seemingly never ending roller coasters of grief the past 10 years and 3 1/2 years.

I’ve experienced just about every emotion known to mankind. And to be honest, some emotions weren’t the godliest. I’ve had to work through some extremely tough thoughts and emotions.

I’ve struggled and wrestled spiritually with God with many questions:

“Why would you allow this?”

“Why wouldn’t You prevent this?”

“Are You there…and do You truly care?”

“Will you please grant me a brand new season?”

Lots and lots of questions.

Ultimately, God doesn’t owe me answers to any of my questions. God is God…and I am not. He understands the entirety of situations…He knows the good that will eventually come out of the situations (Romans 8:28)…and the purpose for the situations, too. God understands what He is accomplishing through the tough situations and in every heart involved in these tough events.

These situations seemingly have no closure…and no possibility of closure.

One of these situations caused a dearly loved family member to become an atheist and several family members to drop out of church…which created even more heartfelt, agonizing questions from me to God.

I’ve thought about not only these two situations, but all of the situations I’ve experienced in life that I’d label “No closure grief events.” No closure grief events are tough events because it is very difficult to find any closure…the emotions that stem from them can eat you alive. They’re exceptionally tough because it takes a lot of faith to get through them.

Some of the most common No closure grief events are:

  • terminal illness
  • regrets you can’t make right
  • unspoken grief events
  • a devastating diagnosis
  • not getting to say “goodbye” to a loved one who died
  • when someone violates your trust
  • when a loved one attempts or commits suicide
  • when there is a major betrayal in a relationship
  • family, extended family, step-family, marital, or parent/child conflict…or conflict with any of these that began post-grief
  • separation or divorce – especially if it’s not wanted by one spouse
  • adultery
  • abortion
  • church hurt
  • church abuse
  • rejection or abandonment by a family member or loved one
  • situations of abuse – physical, emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual
  • a job issue
  • not getting to say “goodbye” to a loved one who left
  • not getting to confront or make something right with someone who deeply hurt you
  • a situation where justice did not prevail
  • unfair life events
  • when someone mistreats you or lies about you
  • any situation where closure is difficult

So what can you do?

God has been teaching me so much these past few years. I haven’t enjoyed the lessons, but I sure have learned…and applied…some very valuable lessons and truths.

Have there been times I’ve wanted to quit? Oh yeah! Many.

Have I been bitter? For a season, I sure was! Absolutely.

Have I been tempted to be mad at God? Yes.

Have I wanted to speak about the situations and about my thoughts, heart, and opinions publicly? Definitely.

I think anytime you (or a loved one) have experienced a major grief event, especially a No closure grief event…emotions are sure to show up. Some emotions may even surprise you.

When there is no closure, the trick – and what is most needed – is to trust God and not our emotions…to believe God is sovereign in spite of what a situation looks like…to fully fall into God’s arms and realize He truly is good…to know and fully trust that God holds everyone accountable and no one gets away with anything – even if it appears there has been zero conviction or consequences.

Maybe you’re going through a “No closure grief event” right now. Maybe you’ve also pleaded with God for answers through many tears…and have even prayed throughout many months or years. Perhaps you feel like giving up.

I highly encourage you to never give up!

I highly encourage you to never fall away from your relationship with God!

One day, God will give you the gift of closure…the Bible promises it.

God doesn’t mind our questions and pleadings…His heart is big enough to take on our woundedness, sufferings, and hardships…and He truly and genuinely cares about every grief event and situation we go through.

We may not be able to find the closure we need…but God created our hearts – He fully knows and loves us. He will be making every wrong right. The situations we go through do not catch God by surprise. And He will never allow us to go through a situation unless He realizes the situation can be turned into something great. It may not happen overnight…it may even take years…but God can turn your worst events into something of great value.

Our job is to praise God through the storms we face…to deepen and prove our salvation is genuine and real…to love and forgive others…to live in peace…to embrace God, our grief, and our hardships…to learn through everything we face – the good and the bad…to love God with all of our heart and to sincerely rest in Him.

Today, lay down your toughest grief events – every grief experience – at God’s feet. Cast all your burdens and cares onto Him. Tell God you are choosing to trust Him with everything – especially the situations that are breaking your heart! Leave your hurts, heartaches, burdens, situations, disappointments, dreams, goals, emotions, and grief experiences with Him.

When the enemy reminds you of a No closure grief event, immediately take your thoughts and feelings to God! It is imperative that you talk through your feelings with God.

We may not be able to find closure in our present circumstances, but we can find closure through leaving our situations in God’s more than capable hands.

Seek God with all your heart! Pour out your heart to God as you spend time with Him today!

He loves you.

He truly cares.

Entrust your situation with Him and trust His great heart!

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim

©2017 by Kim Niles. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): http://www.barnesandnoble.com/mobile/w/getting-your-breath-back-after-life-knocks-it-out-of-you-kbh-niles

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

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The Day Time Stood Still…Timing Through Grief

Anyone who has experienced grief can tell you the split instance that their life was forever changed.
To some, it felt as though time stood still. To others, it felt as though they had their breath knocked out of them.

Time is tricky in circumstances of grief…and most new grievers have a few serious questions regarding time:
“When will my grief end…when will I feel better…will I ever have the ability to feel better as time goes by?”

Sadly, there is not a one-size-fits-all answer for these questions.

I will tell you that grief has a unique timetable that is individualized. 2 people can go through the exact same grief experience and grieve differently.
Grief has to run its course.

Once one thoroughly grieves, life can be better…and one will have the ability to feel better.

After experiencing a major grief experience, I remember feeling as though grief had torn my heart out of me and was holding my heart hostage.
It seemed like I couldn’t feel better no matter what I tried to do to. I had to thoroughly go through…and honor…my grief so that I could have the ability to live and truly enjoy life once again.

Here are a few things that I feel helped me tremendously through the toughest times of grief:

1. God
He is the only One available 24/7 to listen, help, and offer encouragement and comfort. I never would have found hope or joy again had it not been for Him. Reading God’s Word is an amazing source of encouragement, inspiration, and comfort…especially the book of Psalms.

2. Family & Friends
I am so very grateful for the people who have been there for me during times of grief. Having people offer encouragement, love, and compassion is such a gift.

3. Community
Going to church, a grief group, community events, and other resources is an incredible source of genuine and practical help.

4. Gratefulness
Every morning and every night, something that I found helpful was to think of 5 people and 5 things about life that I was truly grateful for. This forced me to think outside of my grief and developed a deep gratitude in my heart for the people, things, and blessings still in my life.

5. Wellness/Recreation
I originally had to force myself to exercise, eat right, and go out to do activities I once enjoyed…but as I continued to be committed to these things, they eventually brought me much joy. They helped to alleviate stress and intense sadness.

These 5 things helped me so much as I navigated through the tough days of grief.

As grief hits, it truly feels as though the world & time stands still…but the fact is, time keeps moving and doesn’t wait for us.

So what can a griever do?

Be kind to yourself during grief. Honor your grief and be true to your personal grief experience.

I’ll tell you that life has a powerful ability to get much much better.
There were a few grief experiences that I was sure I’d never feel better…I truly felt that my breath had been knocked out of me…but I eventually found joy again.

I think many grievers think that we have 2 choices:
1. Grieve and be sad
2. Be happy and love life and enjoy it

I am a firm believer that it doesn’t have to be either or.

I had to develop my personal conviction that every day is a true gift. It’s up to me to unwrap it. Sure, I could choose to leave the gift of life unopened and ignore it…but it IS there every day to open and appreciate it…regardless of what I am going through. Every single day is valuable.

We never get any given day back. If we choose to not open the gift and celebrate life…and all the good remaining in life…we truly add more loss to our life in the long run.

So anytime I go through grief, I choose to honor my grief and to grieve thoroughly. I also choose to redeem the time since I understand that time is not a respecter of me.

Choose today to love and enjoy your loved ones…to set a goal or two and take baby steps to meet your goals…to think of 5 people & 5 things that you are truly grateful for every morning & night.

Time stinks when going through grief. It truly does. And it takes effort to redeem the time…but valuing time is a hidden treasure that helps so much throughout grief.

How can you choose to unwrap the gift of life from this day forward?