Tag Archive | kim niles

Grief: When No Closure Can Be Found

Going through grief is excruciating.

Having to go through a grief experience where there is no ability to have closure is terrible.

There have been grief experiences in my life where the grief had a beginning and an opportunity for closure. Then there were other grief experiences that were like a wild roller coaster ride that had no end. To be honest, I’ve been on two seemingly never ending roller coasters of grief the past 10 years and 3 1/2 years.

I’ve experienced just about every emotion known to mankind. And to be honest, some emotions weren’t the godliest. I’ve had to work through some extremely tough thoughts and emotions.

I’ve struggled and wrestled spiritually with God with many questions:

“Why would you allow this?”

“Why wouldn’t You prevent this?”

“Are You there…and do You truly care?”

“Will you please grant me a brand new season?”

Lots and lots of questions.

Ultimately, God doesn’t owe me answers to any of my questions. God is God…and I am not. He understands the entirety of situations…He knows the good that will eventually come out of the situations (Romans 8:28)…and the purpose for the situations, too. God understands what He is accomplishing through the tough situations and in every heart involved in these tough events.

These situations seemingly have no closure…and no possibility of closure.

One of these situations caused a dearly loved family member to become an atheist and several family members to drop out of church…which created even more heartfelt, agonizing questions from me to God.

I’ve thought about not only these two situations, but all of the situations I’ve experienced in life that I’d label “No closure grief events.” No closure grief events are tough events because it is very difficult to find any closure…the emotions that stem from them can eat you alive. They’re exceptionally tough because it takes a lot of faith to get through them.

Some of the most common No closure grief events are:

  • terminal illness
  • regrets you can’t make right
  • unspoken grief events
  • a devastating diagnosis
  • not getting to say “goodbye” to a loved one who died
  • when someone violates your trust
  • when a loved one attempts or commits suicide
  • when there is a major betrayal in a relationship
  • family, extended family, step-family, marital, or parent/child conflict…or conflict with any of these that began post-grief
  • separation or divorce – especially if it’s not wanted by one spouse
  • adultery
  • abortion
  • church hurt
  • church abuse
  • rejection or abandonment by a family member or loved one
  • situations of abuse – physical, emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual
  • a job issue
  • not getting to say “goodbye” to a loved one who left
  • not getting to confront or make something right with someone who deeply hurt you
  • a situation where justice did not prevail
  • unfair life events
  • when someone mistreats you or lies about you
  • any situation where closure is difficult

So what can you do?

God has been teaching me so much these past few years. I haven’t enjoyed the lessons, but I sure have learned…and applied…some very valuable lessons and truths.

Have there been times I’ve wanted to quit? Oh yeah! Many.

Have I been bitter? For a season, I sure was! Absolutely.

Have I been tempted to be mad at God? Yes.

Have I wanted to speak about the situations and about my thoughts, heart, and opinions publicly? Definitely.

I think anytime you (or a loved one) have experienced a major grief event, especially a No closure grief event…emotions are sure to show up. Some emotions may even surprise you.

When there is no closure, the trick – and what is most needed – is to trust God and not our emotions…to believe God is sovereign in spite of what a situation looks like…to fully fall into God’s arms and realize He truly is good…to know and fully trust that God holds everyone accountable and no one gets away with anything – even if it appears there has been zero conviction or consequences.

Maybe you’re going through a “No closure grief event” right now. Maybe you’ve also pleaded with God for answers through many tears…and have even prayed throughout many months or years. Perhaps you feel like giving up.

I highly encourage you to never give up!

I highly encourage you to never fall away from your relationship with God!

One day, God will give you the gift of closure…the Bible promises it.

God doesn’t mind our questions and pleadings…His heart is big enough to take on our woundedness, sufferings, and hardships…and He truly and genuinely cares about every grief event and situation we go through.

We may not be able to find the closure we need…but God created our hearts – He fully knows and loves us. He will be making every wrong right. The situations we go through do not catch God by surprise. And He will never allow us to go through a situation unless He realizes the situation can be turned into something great. It may not happen overnight…it may even take years…but God can turn your worst events into something of great value.

Our job is to praise God through the storms we face…to deepen and prove our salvation is genuine and real…to love and forgive others…to live in peace…to embrace God, our grief, and our hardships…to learn through everything we face – the good and the bad…to love God with all of our heart and to sincerely rest in Him.

Today, lay down your toughest grief events – every grief experience – at God’s feet. Cast all your burdens and cares onto Him. Tell God you are choosing to trust Him with everything – especially the situations that are breaking your heart! Leave your hurts, heartaches, burdens, situations, disappointments, dreams, goals, emotions, and grief experiences with Him.

When the enemy reminds you of a No closure grief event, immediately take your thoughts and feelings to God! It is imperative that you talk through your feelings with God.

We may not be able to find closure in our present circumstances, but we can find closure through leaving our situations in God’s more than capable hands.

Seek God with all your heart! Pour out your heart to God as you spend time with Him today!

He loves you.

He truly cares.

Entrust your situation with Him and trust His great heart!

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim

©2017 by Kim Niles. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): http://www.barnesandnoble.com/mobile/w/getting-your-breath-back-after-life-knocks-it-out-of-you-kbh-niles

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

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Doubt~The Unpopular Word In Christianity 

Doubt is a very unpopular word in Christian circles. Most Christians would be afraid to admit any form of doubt they might have—due to feeling guilty for having thoughts of doubt or due to the judgment of others. 

When doubt surfaces, some consider it a lack of faith or a lack of believing God and His Word…so as a result, many suffer and struggle silently. Through their silent struggle, they can become stagnant in their walk with God. 
Some can even leave the church altogether.

I’ve seen it time and time again…someone will go through grief, or an extreme life challenge, and it throws them into unknown territory. 

Their Christian friends don’t know what to do with them…their fellow church members aren’t sure how to best help them (in fact, they’re not incredibly sure what to do other than say the customary, yet well-intentioned, “I’m praying for you. Let me know if there’s anything I can do”…after quoting Romans 8:28 for good measure). 

At that point, the hurting person becomes discouraged since no real help or genuine solution was offered. And the hurting person is in so much pain they now simply choose to withdraw.
Then the hard questions and doubt start pouring in.

Is God real? Where do I fit in? Does God care? Do others care? Why am I having to go through what I’m going through? Why did God allow______?

You may know someone this has happened to…or you might be the one who is battling doubt and unending questions today.

It is imperative to know how to handle our doubt(s) so we can prevent bitterness or discouragement, and overcome any and every obstacle that is keeping us from experiencing the rich relationship with God we are fully capable of having. 

Truly think about the doubts you have today. 
Be completely honest.
Do you feel like God didn’t protect you from a situation? Are you discouraged by how other people or Christians have treated you? Did someone deeply wound your heart and fail to make it right?
Are you doubting that God can heal your broken heart…save your marriage…help you financially…forgive you…fully accept you…heal your broken soul…work in the life of a rebellious spouse or child? Are you doubting that He can provide…or that He can work in any other situation that is tearing you apart inside or making you worry? 

I have intensely worried and doubted God in some situations…and, sometimes, not even have known or realized it at the time. 

There are many reasons we doubt. 

Many doubt God cares. But did you know that God actually bends down from Heaven to hear our prayers, heartaches, concerns, and even our questions? 

He’s so good! He doesn’t have to bend down to hear us, but out of His great love, He willingly chooses to. 

Did you know that God has collected every tear you’ve ever cried and written every heartache you’ve ever experienced in a ledger? 

God truly cares about each and every heartache and heartfelt question or request we have. He cares about each of us and every situation we face—past, present, and future. 
He even knows how He plans to cause good to come out of the tough situations we face after we trust Him and lay our situation(s) at His feet. The good comes after we trust God and fully allow Him to work in us and through our doubts.

You may be thinking, “Fine, but I feel disconnected. I really don’t even feel like praying.”
If you feel stale in your relationship with God, doubt is most likely the culprit. 

Do you wonder how God handles doubters? In scripture, God shows a loving example of mercy and compassion to the most famous doubter, Thomas. 

Jesus didn’t judge Thomas, and He wasn’t harsh with him. In fact, the exact opposite happened. Jesus showed sheer love and understanding to Thomas.

Today, truly think about and label your doubt. Ask God to reveal any doubt(s) you hold in your heart. Be completely honest and transparent. The answer(s) revealed just might surprise you. 

Choose today, like Thomas, to take your doubts to God…have the courage to have a bold, beautiful, breaking conversation with Him…and place your doubts in His hands. He already knows what is in your heart so be honest and transparent. Invite God to work in your heart and through your life challenges—pursue Him and His amazing heart with everything you have and don’t quit! The reward truly is a closer and much richer relationship with Him!

©2014 Kim Niles/Grief Bites

Lookup: 
Psalms 116:1-2
Psalms 56:8
Psalms 17:6
Matthew 7:7-8
John 20:24-29 

©2015 by Kim Niles. All rights reserved.

If what you read was helpful, please feel free to share it❤️
❤️
Resources~
Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): http://www.barnesandnoble.com/mobile/w/getting-your-breath-back-after-life-knocks-it-out-of-you-kbh-niles/1112403330?ean=9781449725617 
Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com
Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief
FREE YouVersion reading plans:
1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 
2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 
3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)

Living in the Moment

In life, we usually are either running TOWARDS our future or FROM our pasts…rarely are we truly living in the MOMENT, simply allowing God to mend and mold our hearts. 

And it’s easy to want to run away from grief, problems, issues, or circumstances. 

No matter what happens in life: illness or great health, betrayal or commitments, grief or favor, good times or bad times, success or failure, family/marital harmony or family/marital conflict, etc…ALL situations in life reveal so much about ourselves. 

Every situation reveals our level of commitment, love, and loyalty to God, our love, loyalty, and service to others, and ALL reveal our true character. 

EVERYTHING in life has the power to refine us, strengthen us, or weaken us—each shows us a true glimpse of our heart. 

It’s up to us to continually allow our hearts to be molded by God and allow Him to polish us up to shine for Him…in good times and bad. 

Sometimes being present in the moment is very difficult to do, but these moments can oftentimes be the times we look back on and realize that God accomplished the most in and through us. 

As we seek God’s heart and call on Him, we realize He has a great plan for our lives. He truly is worth seeking with our whole heart! 

What are you running from or towards today? Truly focus on simply being in the moment.

Run to God’s heart today, then rest in Him. He holds our past, present, and future in His hands so we truly can trust Him with the details of every moment…past, present, and future. 

Once we trust Him (and this can be difficult to do in the midst of loss), living in the moment becomes a true joy. 

Ask God to help you to live in the moment each and every day.

Lookup: Matthew 6:31-34

©2014 Kim Niles/Grief Bites. All rights reserved. 

(from the free YouVersion Bible reading plan, Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships by Kim Niles)
❤️
Resources~

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): http://www.barnesandnoble.com/mobile/w/getting-your-breath-back-after-life-knocks-it-out-of-you-kbh-niles/1112403330?ean=9781449725617 

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)