Wounded: 7 Steps To Free Your Soul

Wounded. 
One of the worst feelings in the world.

Everybody will go through multiple times of being wounded during the course of their lifetime. And everybody will wound others.

Because most situations of being wounded stem from vulnerability, and being vulnerable is a part of everyday life, it is imperative for everybody to understand how to favorably respond to being wounded.

There are limitless ways you allow yourself to be vulnerable each and every day.
Literally, anytime you open up your heart or life to another person, a work venture, a church, or anything else that makes you vulnerable, you take a chance of being wounded.
You can end up 
burnt…
devastated…
disappointed…
wounded.

Yes, everybody, at some point in their life, will end up being deeply wounded. 

Did you know being deeply wounded can change who you are as a person?
It can bring out an anxiety or ugliness inside you that you never knew existed.
Ultimately, it can plant a seed of bitterness that, if not dealt with, can harvest a huge crop of unending discord, disappointment, dissatisfaction, or even create deep depression, hatred, or resentment in your heart.

Being wounded is a terrible experience to go through, yet, being wounded is one of the most significant spiritual opportunities God can allow you to experience.

I wouldn’t have thought this to be true a few weeks ago, right before finally experiencing a major breakthrough after being incredibly wounded.
Our family went through being extremely wronged. Not just a little sleight, but a hardcore wronging that threatened to leave me a bitter mess.

It was bad enough that we sought both spiritual counsel from a trusted pastor, as well as therapy, to better understand how to get through the devastation and complex emotions.
What God has taught me through being deeply wounded opened my eyes to the significant opportunity woundedness offers, though. 

I just gotta say…No one in their right mind would cheerfully sign up for being wounded to learn any spiritual lessons…and no one will be skipping through fields of flowers after learning those meaningful lessons…but if you ever find yourself wounded or offended, you may as well learn the powerful lessons it has to offer.

If you gotta GO through it, you may as well GROW through it!

The last few years, God has been working in my life and showing me how to handle being wounded.
Multiple situations have arose that have given me, and my family, the opportunity to learn quite a bit through being unfairly wronged.

It has not been an easy road to be on. 
In fact, there were many moments of anger, despair, frustration, and many tears. And to be completely honest, even some not-so-godly thoughts towards the offenders/wounders.

I just need to say that because this post won’t be a Pollyanna type of post. It was gut-wrenching to go through…and getting to the point of God’s answers – and having the ability to forgive – through this valley were gut wrenching, as well.
Many people I know, including myself, do not initially always pass the test when unfairly wronged or wounded. It’s easier to react than to respond favorably after someone has greatly hurt or offended you or a loved one…especially if it significantly altered your life. 

What do you do when an offense is so great that forgiveness is not easily accomplished? 
What is your plan of action when the resentment you feel brews stronger than the blackest dark roast coffee? What about when you see the person who wounded you or you think about the incredibly damaging effects their offense has had on you or your loved ones?

It can be super hard to forgive some offenses. 

The greater or more costly the offense, the harder it is to genuinely forgive and move forward in peace…but to forgive and move forward in peace should be the ultimate goal.

I want to share with you a few things that helped me through some tough times in forgiving others.

Some steps I took helped me tremendously and I hope they are a big help and encouragement to anyone going through being wounded or wronged, as well as anyone who may be battling bitterness.

Some at this point may be nursing deep wounds. They want to move forward but the offense was a lot to bear…it may even currently still be a lot to bear.
Many times, an offense can have lifelong consequences.

A wounded person really only has three choices:
  1. Push back the emotions and try to act as though the offense never occurred…basically ignoring the issue
  2. Feed any resentment or bitterness
  3. Work on forgiveness as you grow through the situation and move forward in peace

Someone who has been wronged can choose the typical responses to being wounded: 
  • get mad
  • dislike or resent difficult people 
  • have bad thoughts or pray against them (hey, King David harshly prayed against his enemies throughout the book of Psalms)
  • tarnish their reputation through speaking lies, exaggerations…or unflattering truths…about them
  • be revengeful 
  • ultimately plant seeds of bitterness in their heart 
These actions will most likely make a wounded person feel better at firstbut at what cost to their own heart and soul? And God will hold them accountable for not forgiving…and defiling others.

Booker T. Washington once said, “I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.” 

Isn’t that the truth? When we hate others, it belittles our own soul…it does absolutely nothing to the person who was wounding.

A very good friend shared with me something similar, “Being bitter towards your offender is like you drinking poison but expecting your offender to die.” 
Ouch!

It’s true…Bitterness hardens and poisons YOUR heart, damages YOUR soul, and changes who YOU are as a person. Trust me, I know this personally after becoming bitter towards people who deeply wronged and wounded my family and me.

You may think to yourself, “Won’t I know if I’m becoming bitter?”
Bitterness creeps in very slowly. 
No one plans on becoming or being bitter, but without major self reflection, you won’t immediately realize or see the true effects.

Most people do not recognize their own bitterness.
I speak from personal experience…I didn’t realize how bitter I was until a friend called me out on it. 
While nursing some deep wounds after going through a very tough situation with a loved one who was wronged, I took up a major offense towards the offenders involved.

Was it wrong to want justice? Absolutely not.
Is it wrong to expect people to do the right thing or apologize? Not at all!

It becomes wrong when justice…and a well fed grudge…becomes more important than God and good character.

We all know we should forgive others, but are you worried you won’t be able to truly forgive and move forward because the person(s) who wounded you (or your loved one) isn’t even remotely sorry for their offense(s)?

Don’t worry…you can take these steps whether your offender is sorry or not.

I learned that forgiveness, resolution, and/or restoration did not have to take place for me to clean out my own heart and do the honorable thing in God’s eyes.

Don’t get me wrong: it was not easy to forgive, but I had a “fork in the road” decision to make:
  • I could hold onto the hurts and offenses 
OR
I could have a healthy relationship with God and peace in my soul
I found I could not have it both ways.

It took time and forgiving this particular situation was not instantaneous…and there are still days a bad thought will pop into my head, prodding me to renew my grudge.


So how do you get an offender out of your head?

For me, it was helpful to put my thoughts into proper perspective and to look into the motives.
Some offenders do not care that they wounded another person. Thoughts of the people they’ve hurt or offended are non-existent to the offender. They couldn’t care less.
With that said, when an offender has caused major loss in life…I began to realize that I was not going to allow additional loss by allowing them to live rent free inside my thought life.
 
Other offenders may not realize the depth they have wounded others. A simple conversation can clear things up quickly.

As I prayed about how to best deal with multiple situations (the original offense had a domino effect, creating additional situations), God was good to give me solid insight into freeing my soul from being wounded.

The following steps were life-giving to me and helped me to overcome my bitterness. 
Praying these steps are of great help to somebody today!

1. View your offender through God’s eyes~

Yes, this can be a tall order. After all, shouldn’t God be on our team and dislike our offender as much as we do?
God loves and adores each person He created…equally. There is no favoritism with Him. From Billy Graham down to the worst person on the planet, God wants what is best for each person. All are deeply loved and incredibly treasured by Him.

When we view our offender through our own eyes, all we will see is the ugliness they have done. We will no longer see any of the good they have in them. We stop viewing them as a whole, we instead only view their terribly wounding offense(s) as well as every character flaw they possess.

It’s important to realize that no matter what they’ve done to us personally, they still have great value in God’s eyes. 
God has a big purpose and plan for their life…no matter what they have done…and He greatly desires for them to have an abundant life.
He created them, and He has a plan for them to do wonderful works, too.
Their offense is not the totality of who they are as a person; it may be a very poor choice they made. Always seek to look for the 90% of what’s right about a person than the 10% of their wrong faults. Refuse to be a fault-finder.

“Discernment is God’s call to intercession, never to fault finding.”

~Oswald Chambers

What if I still can’t remove the resentment or bitterness I feel?
It personally helps me to remember a quote my son once shared with me: “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.”
I remember that I am deeply flawed and remind myself of the mercy I need daily.
I also make sure I remember and fully realize what God has done for me and how He forgives me.
Many testimonies have stemmed out of deep heartache. 
Today’s heartache could very well be tomorrow’s testimony that helps many.

2. Truly seek to understand~

What is the entirety of the situation? Is just one party at fault, both parties, or multiple parties?
Ask yourself, “Did they intentionally wound me on purpose?”…”What was their true motive or intent?”…”Were they reacting?”

Sometimes, the people who wound us did not truly intend to wound or offend us.
Thoughtlessness is prevalent in the self-saturated society we live in. Most people only look at a situation through their own eyes…and most do not even attempt to put their own self in the other person’s shoes to
see how truly hurtful and offensive their actions were.

People are fallible, flawed, and do not always go into their decisions thoughtfully, and they don’t always have the maturity or the life experience to know how to best handle relationships, situations, or decisions. 
Not everybody has developed good character or wisdom for each and every situation in life either.
Everybody needs mercy…ourselves included.

Think of all the times you offended or wounded others. Did you truly go into it thinking how you were going to wound, wrong, or offend someone?
Also consider, were the offending person’s actions due to taking up an offense for someone they perceived was wronged? Were they attempting to protect someone or prevent future heartache?

You might be thinking, “This chick doesn’t know what she’s talking about…some people are just jerks,“…I wholeheartedly agree that can be completely true about some people.

So many factors go into the wounding actions of others.
Seeking to understand truly is key.


3. Look at how your situation personally applies VERTICALLY to God~

Majority of the time, we are doing to God, or somebody else, exactly what another person is doing to us or a loved one.

When you genuinely ask “How have I, or any of my loved ones, betrayed, hurt, or wounded God or others?
This vertical question turns a wounding reality into a convicting reality as one thinks about how many times they have hurt God or not been loyal or faithful to Him. 

Idolatry and choosing to be bitter are both sins…yet we don’t always view our offenses toward God in the same manner, or as seriously, as we view our offender’s offenses towards ourselves.

When we train ourselves to see life challenges or offenses through a vertical lens, no matter the topic, we clearly see how universally we have hurt God and others in similar situations.

Next time you’re offended, truly check to see if you are doing the same offense towards God or someone else.

In some situations, that totally is not the case, but many times, the answer is unfavorable.


4. Seek to see what you can learn through the offense you are going through~

Offenses can teach us important  life lessons. An offense may even prevent something worse from happening in the future due to the wisdom you learn from a previous offense.

We must be open to God so He can show us how to wisely navigate through offensive or hurtful situations. Without His guidance, we might miss crucial wisdom.

Tough situations in life will either make us better or bitter.
When we choose to be better through a challenging experience, rewards eventually come our way.
When we choose to be bitter, we will most likely go through additional loss…and will go through a similar situation to learn the lesson we missed.

As I was at coffee with two very good friends…friends I am very authentic and vulnerable with; both ladies are trustworthy accountability partners to me…I asked for advice on how to get over the feelings I was feeling. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the bitterness I felt after a situation of deep offense and woundedness.
I prayed about it…went through the steps of forgiving the offense several times…tried to let it go…even invested kind words into some of those who were responsible for the wounding offense…but nothing seemed to have any lasting power.

I couldn’t shake it.

After a time of deep prayer, I began to clearly see that God allowed the deep offenses so I could learn how to overcome bitterness when others are not sorry…and this is greatly helping me to help others in my grief ministry who are going through situations where they have been deeply wounded.

It’s easy to forgive someone when they come to you and apologize. It’s a bit more challenging when they’ve created an extensive amount of damage, and then are aloof, uncaring, or insensitive to the situation they created.

It is beyond important to understand that God will sometimes allow a wounding situation for a specific reason….not cause it, but allow it…and good can come out of any situation, whether the offensive party is sorry or not.

Not saying it’s easy…because it usually is not...but there are very specific lessons we can learn through being wounded…lessons that will ultimately free us and eventually help us later in life. It can also help us to be a source of encouragement to others who are going through a similar situation.
We also learn the value of waiting on God and trusting Him to genuinely work out difficult situations in His perfect timing.

I can assure you that the heartache and struggles you are going through are not in vain. Like Pastor Rick Warren from Saddleback Church says, “God never wastes a hurt. We sometimes do, but God does not.”

So while you are waiting, what about your offender?
You can be sure God will hold your offender accountable. God never allows anyone to get away with wounding others…ourselves included.
One day, EVERYBODY will give an account for the ways they have wounded and wronged others. Everybody will also have to give an account for how they handled wounding situations, too.

This next step was the most important one. I found this step to be the ultimate step that gave me freedom from bitterness…And, it was my least favorite step to take! 
When my friend suggested I do this next step, that one day at the coffee date I told you about earlier, I remember seriously cringing. 
I’m so grateful I did this next step though, because it brought me the peace I needed to genuinely move forward.

5. Pray God BLESSES your offender and invest in your offender’s life by praying for them~

You may be thinking, “ABSOLUTELY NO WAY!!!!”
I mean, who wants to ask God to bless an offensive, hurtful, wounding, or problematic person?

Most do not want to ask God to bless their offenders. The people who have wounded you most likely have created havoc or greatly altered life as you knew it due to their wounding actions and decisions.  

If most people are truly honest, they want God to do the OPPOSITE of bless their offenders.
I know I initially felt this way, especially since my family and I continue to experience consequences of the offender(s) actions.

I felt that way until I realized a harsh reality..what if God had the same attitude towards my family and me for all the times we have wounded His heart?

The fact that God chooses to forgive, love, and bless me is reason enough for me to choose to forgive and bless an offender through praying for God to bless them.

I had to remember that the offenders who wounded us were created in God’s image. They are deeply loved by Him.
God has incredible life purposes and plans for their lives.
And since they are also believers, we are all going to be living in the exact same Heaven someday.
We are on the same team, but we were all deceived by a greater enemy to engage in hurtful conflict.
Ephesians 6:12, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Hebrews 12:14-15, “Try to be at peace with everyone, and try to live a holy life, because no one will see the Lord without it. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
I try to continually choose to be the mercy today that I want to receive tomorrow…because I’m in need of mercy, too.
Someone, most likely, could have authored this same blog post about me at some point in my life.
Everybody has been wounded because we all wound others.

We need to look to the One who has been wounded more than anyone else…and learn how to love, forgive, and bless others from His incredible viewpoint and example.

So since we are all fallible, does that just give everybody a hall pass to wound others and expect forgiveness no matter what?
Not at all! Each person, including ourselves, should make it a goal to be mindful of how we treat others.
If we offend someone, it is our responsibility to make things right. The ultimate goal is to treat others with such honor and kindness that wounding others never becomes an option in the first place.

Matthew 5:23-24, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

So after you forgive someone, it’s instant and permanent, and you’ll never be challenged to resent or dislike the person ever again, right?
I wish! The truth is, forgiveness is a choice. Even though forgiveness is instant, it may take time for the heart and feelings to catch up. 
I have found that forgiving is a daily choice.

Whenever a bitter or wounded thought comes to my mind, or a negative thought comes to mind about the offenders, I immediately use those thoughts as a signal to pray for them and the situation of conflict. 

Pray God outrageously blesses your offender and pray He genuinely works through the situation of conflict in His way. Be sure to also ask God to heal your heart!

God proves Himself faithful in the toughest situations when we do things His way and as we look at our offenders and our tough life situations through His eyes! It isn’t always easy but it is rewarding.

6. Realize that majority of conflict is simply a decoy to what God wants to do in the lives of the people affected by the conflict~

We are in battle with an enemy…but the enemy is not who we think it is.
We faultily think the enemy is our offender, when in reality, our enemy is from a completely different realm.
This is especially true when conflict happens between families, fellow believers, and in churches.

Again, consider Ephesians 6:12: “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places”

If you have experienced conflict with a family member, a fellow Christian, or in your church or with church staff, you can be sure that the enemy knew the positive potential the people involved in the conflict could have.

Now I am not advocating condoning another person’s poor choices or behavior, or excusing the wrong they did, and forgiveness does not mean we foolishly throw ourselves into genuinely abusive situations. Forgiveness is simply a loving courtesy we extend to others because God extends that same love and courtesy to us. We must ultimately trust God to deal with the situation and people involved in His own way and His time. 

So, what if you STILL do not want to forgive an offender?
Consider Job and Joseph in the Bible.
God shows the importance of forgiving others through both of these men’s lives.
Although both experienced excruciating hardships and unbearable heartache, both chose to trust God and take the higher road after being wounded.
As a result, both reaped incredible blessings and favor from God for doing so…in fact, Job only found favor through his grief experience after he chose to forgive his friends and interceded for them in prayer. That is the exact moment God restored Job…and gave him a double portion of favor. 

There is no sane explanation, but freedom usually comes only through forgiveness, and praying for the offender(s).

7. Realize that being wounded (and also conflict…even rejection) is necessary to make us more like Christ~

The most trying times in life are usually what brings about the most spiritual growth.

When life is going great, nothing is tested. It’s easy to be good and kind to others…when they are good or kind to us.
But, when those around us are wounding, offensive, rude, or unkind, it truly tests our character. It also reveals what is in our own heart, too.

Think of all of the people who were absolutely awful to Christ. How did he respond to them?
What was His example?
What would have happened to you or me had He decided to put His offenders in their place by zapping them?
We wouldn’t have known the beauty of the cross or ever realized His incredibly awesome love for us…we wouldn’t be positively changed forever.

Being wounded offers the chance and opportunity to use situations of conflict as “sandpaper” to our heart and soul.
When we choose to go to God with our hurts, He can gently “sand off” the impurities held in our heart as we look at the situation through His eternal perspective and ways.
Ultimately, times of conflict or being wounded are opportunities that allow God to remove hidden sin from our heart, to trust Him through tough situations, and to allow Him to minister to our heart and heal our woundedness through His love and encouragement.

With that said, I believe that if someone has significantly hurt or wronged you, they should be held accountable in a Christ-like manner.

If after you have deeply prayed about a situation and you feel God is leading you to confront someone who has wronged you, I highly encourage you to follow the biblical blueprint for doing so; and as you do, go in a spirit of humility and self reflection, maintaining good character. (Matthew 18:15-20; Galations 6:1-2; Colossians 3:13; 2 Timothy 2:24-26; Matthew 7; James 5:19-20)

Sometimes, during a confrontation, it is obvious that someone intentionally offended or hurt us…other times, we find out that an offender truly did not mean to hurt or offend us at all. In fact, they were oblivious to the entire situation…this is why it is so important to go into confronting others in a right spirit as we seek to understand the overall picture of the situation.

If you don’t think you can confront someone in a right spirit, wait until you can.

If there are people you feel you should confront, it is important to wait on the right timing, as well as a time where you can truly trust your words and keep your attitude in check. 

Do NOT confront someone unless you can trust yourself to not make the situation worse. You may have forgiven an offender, but you may need to work on sorting the situation out further in your heart so you are able to go in a right frame of mind and with a right spirit. 
Also, do whatever is most minimal in confronting someone. Many times, a spark is more powerful—and more effective—than a big out of control fireworks show. Only do that which is necessary to move forward in peace.

Ultimately, and ideally, when we confront a person who has been hurtful, we shouldn’t confront in an attitude of “telling them off” or to punish them…it should be from the mindset of genuinely seeking to understand with resolution for both our self, as well as them, so both parties can clear their conscience and move forward in life…better than before the confrontation took place.
This isn’t always achieved, but I think this should be the ultimate goal.

What if a confrontation and/or resolution simply are not possibilities?
I truly believe in resolution when it is possible, but resolution isn’t always obtainable…and it isn’t always in the best interest of the wounded party either, especially in difficult situations such as if an offender committed murder or great malice.
A great book to read on this topic is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.
If the conflict is among family, I think in situations where there is a great amount of damage, it can be necessary to meet with a trusted pastor or a professional counselor to personally help work the situation out spiritually and emotionally…and they can also give wise counsel on the matter and discuss it further.
It isn’t always best to confront an offender. Sometimes, God is trying to teach our own self a powerful lesson.

I chose not to confront the offenders because I never felt a peace about doing so. I instead chose to trust God completely in the situation and entrusted the details to Him. 

When you trust God with the details, I feel it is important to make sure to be mindful in self-reflection so as to see any blind spots that can possibly be in a situation of conflict or woundedness…and learn as much as you can so you don’t miss any vital lessons. 
It’s very important to be honest with yourself during times of conflict or woundedness because it does no good to look at another person’s faults if we are being oblivious to our own.
Beware of no man more than of yourself, for we often carry our worst enemies within us.” 
~Charles Spurgeon

No matter the details or outcome of a situation, I believe that forgiveness is vital…it is just as much for our own heart as it is for our offender(s). Forgiveness must be pursued and resolved within our own self. If it isn’t, the quality of our life, testimony, and our own heart will never become all it can be. 
Unforgiveness ultimately harms the vessel in which it resides…and doesn’t harm the person it is aimed at. It’s like loading a gun and aiming it at our own spirit.

As you trust God with working out the details of any situation of woundedness you are going through, give the ENTIRE situation to Him. God has the power to smooth out the rough spots of any situation and work it for our good and His ultimate purposes. As you submit to and obey God, trust Him to give you treasures out of the darkness of the conflicts you face.

Today, make the decision to trust God through any situation that is paining you. Pour your heart out to Him and entrust your problems and cares into His more than capable hands.

Tap into the power of Christ’s strength to make truly forgiving and investing in others through prayer genuinely possible.
With Christ, all things are possible.

Let me leave you with a few verses to encourage you. God is faithful and keeps His Word. I pray He meets you right where you are and brings healing to whatever you are facing today!


© 2015 Kim Niles/Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

Psalm 56:8-11, “You know how troubled I am; you have kept a record of my tears. Aren’t they listed in your book? The day I call to you, my enemies will be turned back. I know this: God is on my side — the Lord, whose promises I praise. In him I trust, and I will not be afraid.”

Genesis 50:20, But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God thought it out unto good, to bring to pass that which we see this day, to give life to many people.”

Psalm 37:3-9, “Trust the Lord and do good; live in the land, and farm faithfulness. Enjoy the Lord, and he will give what your heart asks. Commit your way to the Lord! Trust him! He will act and will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, your justice like high noon. Be still before the Lord, and wait for him. Don’t get upset when someone gets ahead— someone who invents evil schemes. Let go of anger and leave rage behind! Don’t get upset—it will only lead to evil. Because evildoers will be eliminated, but those who hope in the Lord, they will possess the land.

Romans 12:17-19, “Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the LORD.”

Colossians‬ ‭3‬:‭23-25‬, “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ. But he who does wrong will be repaid for what he has done, and there is no partiality.”

Matthew 7:1-5,Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”

Isaiah 45:2-3, “I will go before you and make the rough places smooth; I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars. I will give you the treasures of darkness And hidden wealth of secret places, So that you may know that it is I, The LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name.”

Isaiah‬ ‭55‬:‭8-9‬ , “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.”

Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:15-24‬, “See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil. Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.”

‭‭Gratitude & blessings,

Kim


©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

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Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships – Adultery & Betrayal

I’d like to talk about a topic many grievers don’t want to think about…Adultery.

During times of grief, as one spouse (or both spouses) are grieving a tough life event, they can become distracted due to grief. It can simply be overwhelming to maintain a romantic relationship/marriage when you’re grieving the worst event of your life.

Also, when two people don’t share the same grieving style, there can be a disconnect as well.

It’s usually someone close to the family or a coworker who innocently asks “how are you doing”… and then that can lead to further conversations… and then an emotional or extramarital affair can occur.

If you’re struggling with this, about to be caught in the middle of this, or if the grief experience you’re going through stems from an affair…you’re not alone.

If you’re walking through the treacherous fires of adultery or betrayal, please know that God loves you so very much. He is holding you, He will carry you through the entire situation, and He has the power to bring good out of the pain.

If you’re about to betray your spouse or family, please please please reconsider. The pain and recovery is horrendous – and as a marriage coach, I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve sat with and heard heart-wrenching stories of how horrible the aftermath is. The enemy doesn’t just hurt the spouses and their marriage, the enemy goes after the entire family.

I wrote about betrayal in my YouVersion reading plan, Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships. I’ve included it below to encourage anyone who is walking the path of betrayal.

Wishing all of the Grief Bites Family a blessed day of God’s comfort & healing!💗

Day 4 from my YouVersion reading plan, Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships.

Day 4~

Have you ever experienced the bitter sting of betrayal…a betrayal so deep it cuts and shreds every ounce of your heart?

It is a terrible experience to go through the deep heartache of a spouse’s adultery or a spouse who no longer wants to be married.

After such an experience, the sting wraps itself around you and threatens to forever break or harden your heart. As the tears fall and your heart is breaking, it feels as though the betrayal stings your soul a thousand times each day. 

It’s easy during times like these to not just harden your heart, but to become hardened towards God…and place misplaced blame onto Him.

Don’t think for one second that God did not do everything in His power to convict your spouse’s heart and warn them to choose another path. God did. 

God gives each of us free will…and sometimes, people misuse their free will to betray loved ones.  

Sadly, some spouses choose to harden their heart to God’s convictions (and good character) and not listen.

The moment you found out about your spouse’s deep betrayal…the moment your heart shattered into a million pieces…God’s heart did too. He hurts for you and deeply grieves that your covenant mate chose the path they chose to walk.

God is concerned for you. Every tear you’ve cried, He has placed in a bottle. Each heartache you have experienced, He has written in His book. God has kept track of every toss and turn on your sleepless nights.

If you are crying out for help, He IS listening. He knows the heart-wrenching agony you have experienced – and are still going through – and He strongly desires to help you catch your breath.

God’s huge heart breaks for anyone whose life has been affected by betrayal. His heart sincerely breaks for the children and families affected too.

Today, I encourage you to pour your heart out to God. Share with Him your deepest heartaches, thoughts, and feelings. 

He DOES care….and if you ask, He WILL help you through this painful time in your life. Ask Him to guide and direct you. He will NEVER leave you or forsake you!

There is hope and God does heal.

Draw close to God’s heart and He will draw close to you. He is the best way to truly get through the devastating heartache and sting of betrayal.

‭‭~Psalms‬ ‭56:8‬‬‬, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

James‬ ‭4:8‬, “Come near to God, and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners! Purify your hearts, you hypocrites!”

Deuteronomy‬ ‭31:8, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

JAMES‬ ‭4:10‬, “Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.”

Proverbs‬ ‭6:32, “Adultery is a brainless act, soul-destroying, self-destructive; Expect a bloody nose, a black eye, and a reputation ruined for good.”

( from Day 4 of the YouVersion reading plan, Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships — https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships )

God’s promise of love and healing is for ALL. Whether you’ve been wounded by adultery…or if you’ve made the heart wrenching mistake of adultery…or you’re the “other” person, God cares about each person and the entire situation. Anyone can make peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

©2019 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print.

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor.

Make Your Grief & Life Count!

When famous fighter Muhammad Ali was once asked how many sit-ups he did, his response was, “I don’t count my sit-ups. I only start counting when it starts hurting. When I feel pain, that is when I start counting, because then it really counts. That’s what makes you a champion.”

Grief, loss, and trials can truly knock you out…but…they can also change, challenge, and refine you, creating a better life.

Before grief, loss, or a hardship hits, life hasn’t truly had the opportunity to fully challenge you, change you, or even bring out any hidden greatness.

Today, if you are going through a tough time in life, I encourage you to get as much as you can out of the life experience you are going through. Allow it to sink in..change you..challenge you..help you..make you a better person…and create a brilliant, vibrant, purpose-filled life.

There is great gain that can be created out of great pain. 

Life may be kicking your tail today…you may resent life and your current situation more than words can say…but truly understand that the here-and-now heartaches and trials you are going through do not have to permanently keep you down.

Make the decision to get up. Grow through your pain. Make your pain count!

Begin “counting” today, choose to do whatever you have to do so your pain is not in vain, and fight back by going out of your way to create and live the best life possible.

Only you can seek and find the treasures your grief and loss experiences have to offer.

They are there so start counting and find these hard earned treasures starting today!

A year from now, you will either look back and be in the exact same place you are at today…or…you will be able to look back and know you did whatever it took to fight towards a better life.

You have GREAT value and your life COUNTS! Always remember that!

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim

©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️

Resources~

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): Click here for book

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)

Remembering & Thanking Our Brave Military!

In loving memory of our fallen military members who paid the ultimate price for their courageous service! And in honor of all the men and women who have served (and are currently serving) our country. We deeply and sincerely thank you for your courage and all of your sacrifices!

I wrote and posted this awhile back on the Grief Bites blog in honor of my family members and friends who have served! I appreciate those who serve so very much!

“A Vet – whether active-duty, retired, The National Guard or U.S. Army Reserve – is someone who, at one point in his or her life, wrote a blank check made payable to the ‘United States of America’, for an amount of up to and including their life.”

❤️

Today, when you play with your kiddos, there’s a serviceman or woman who doesn’t get to enjoy that freedom…and many of them miss huge milestones such as the birth of their children, their child’s 1st birthday party, other birthdays, Christmas mornings, graduations, 1st day of school, goodnight kisses, bedtime stories, and other special occasions.

❤️

When you kiss, or spend time with, your spouse or significant other, there’s a serviceman or woman who is missing their loved one beyond words! They miss wedding anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, Valentine’s Day, special events, and they don’t get the luxury of regular “date nights.” Some are divorced or betrayed by their spouse (through no fault of their own) due to being away serving our country.

❤️

When you get together with your best friends this weekend, realize there’s a serviceman or woman who not only buried their best friends…but may have actually witnessed their best friends being killed during combat. Some have friends who experienced PTSD or committed suicide, too.

❤️

When you talk to or hug your spouse, kiddos, parents, grandparents, siblings, nieces/nephews, or any other family members…or you’re tempted to complain about any of them…remember there’s a serviceman or woman who would love to be able to enjoy that freedom—but can’t due to their service and/or being stationed many miles away. They miss many family events, celebrations and special occasions!

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When you go to the gym this week, or go do a physical activity, there’s a serviceman or woman who is learning how to live with a severe disability because they fought for our freedoms.

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When you go to work…or a place of worship…or speak your opinion…or go to a sporting event…or attend college or another school function…or vote…or speak your mind about a presidential election...it’s all because someone willingly signed up to protect and ensure our safety and our freedoms—knowing it could very well cost them their very LIFE—so we can wonderfully enjoy all the joys and privileges of a free country!

❤️

When you go about life, dreaming, making plans, and setting goals, there’s a serviceman or woman who is denied these precious, exquisite gifts and opportunities – since they willingly laid down their life and died while serving and fighting for our freedoms.

💕“Some people live an entire lifetime and wonder if they have ever made a difference in the world, but the Marines (and armed forces) don’t have that problem.”

– Ronald Reagan

Please join me in THANKING and praying for all of our wonderful, incredible veterans today…and let’s keep them in our prayers each and every day!

If you personally know of someone who has experienced the death of a family member or friend who died while serving in the military, please reach out to them.

If you know of someone who is currently serving, or who has served, (or you know a spouse who holds the fort down while their loved one is away serving…or you know a parent of a serviceman or woman) sincerely thank them the next time you see them!

Our military (and their families) truly deserve so much more remembrance, honor, and gratitude than we can ever give them for their sacrifices!

Beyond grateful today to everyone who has served! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

And if you’ve experienced great heartache, challenges, or disability due to serving, I’m truly genuinely sorry for your pain…and sorry Americans (including myself) haven’t understood it from your perspective.

You truly are amazing heroes! 

Thank you so very much for your service, courage, and sacrifices!! We all love you, are grateful to you, and pray God richly blesses you!!💕

Gratitude & many blessings,
Kim

Originally posted ©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

🇺🇸If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

🇺🇸Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

🇺🇸Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

Grief & Upcoming Holidays

When going through deep grief, holidays can seem to lose their previous joy, sparkle and specialness.

  • Suddenly, the tree that used to shine bright holding treasured ornaments and memories can now bring about intense sadness
  • Baking treats and making favorite dishes for a loved one who is no longer here can now bring about incredible heartache
  • Old traditions can now bring intense pain…even anxiety.
  • And seeing happy couples and cheerful families can bring about feelings of depression, despair, or even jealousy

It is very painful navigating through the holidays when going through the loss of a loved one, a divorce, miscarriage, financial loss, family/marital conflict, or other losses.
…And it can be extra painful and burdensome when family and friends do not understand or agree with how you are handling your grief.

Today’s holiday tip is:

Grieve how you need to grieve
. Do not put on yourself the extra pressure to have the “perfect” holidays.

Just like you are having to create a new “normal” in day-to-day life, you will most likely need the freedom to do holidays differently for a season as well.

Explain to family & friends that the holidays are going to be tough on you and ask them for their help, support, and compassion.

Some grievers may be able to do all of their usual holiday traditions, while others may not.

BOTH are perfectly fine!

Pray about and consider what you need to do, or not do, this holiday season and come to a place of peace about it.

It doesn’t mean it will always be like this…just because you choose something this year doesn’t mean it will be cemented or always be like this…it simply means you are doing what you need to do THIS holiday season.

Communication is key! Talk about it with your loved ones, so as to avoid hurt feelings or conflict. Compromise may also be needed.

I am praying for all of you to have a special and meaningful holiday season, and also praying you are surrounded by understanding and caring family & friends who will encourage you this month and next.

It can take time to find a new holiday normal, so don’t be hard on yourself. It takes time to work out broken hearts and broken lives.

The first few years are the absolute hardest, but through genuinely working out your grief, holidays CAN hold great joy again…in time!

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim
©2014 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️

Resources~

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): Click here for book

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 
2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 
3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)

Grief & Gratefulness

Going through intense heartache made me a huge advocate of intentionally developing gratefulness into my heart during times of grief.

After a very good friend of mine and my sister died 3 weeks apart from each other, I sunk into a deep depression.

After seeking God for His help, He placed it on my heart to write letters to anyone who had made an impact in my life…God, parents, siblings, family members, selected friends, pastors, Sunday school teachers, school teachers (Kindergarten-12th grade), college professors, coworkers, my former ballet teacher who had taught me many years and had given me discounted lessons after my dad died, former coaches…basically everyone who had significantly poured into my life.

I wrote each person a letter, telling them thank you and sharing with them how they had made a difference in my life.

Doing this, made a huge impact in my life and dramatically eased my depression.

Several of my former teachers and college professors even wrote back and shared that I was the only student who had ever thanked them in their teaching careers.

The impact of this caused me to develop true gratefulness in every area of my life…and made me want to show gratefulness to my loved ones on a frequent basis.
I also developed the habit of thinking of 5 people & 5 things I was grateful for every morning & night.

Today, if you are struggling through grief, consider writing thank you notes to all who have made a difference & an impact in your life.
Think of 5 people & 5 things you are grateful for every morning & each night.

Give thanks every day to God for everyone & all the good remaining in your life!

A grateful heart can do wonders & bring healing to a grieving heart!

Give thanks & develop gratefulness starting today!

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim
©2014 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

If what you read was helpful, please feel free to share it❤️

❤️
Resources~

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 
2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 
3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)

Overcoming Regrets

Ever had a regret?
How about a regret so strong that it seemed to alter your life?

Majority of people can answer, “yes,” to the first question…we all have some form of a regret.
Some, unfortunately, can answer, “yes,” to the second question.

Regret can do a real number on you. It can keep you up at night, make you want to isolate or continually punish yourself, or in really bad cases, it can sink you into a deep depression.

Realistically, what CAN you do about debilitating regret(s)?

~You can’t change the past but you can learn from it and change your future.

~You can choose to be kind to yourself and realize you probably didn’t do better at the time because you may not have known any better at the time.

~Realize hindsight is always 20/20. If you had the ability to have looked into the future to see the consequences and heartache you were about to cause others or yourself, would you have still done whatever it is that caused your regret? Of course you wouldn’t have. But, you didn’t realize the impact of your decision so you made a poor choice. You’re human. You’re fallible. We all are. Learn from your past mistakes. Show yourself and others compassion.

~Realize that regrets are not there to punish you…they are there to help you to grow as a person, and to ultimately prevent you from making future mistake(s).

~Understand that every mistake made in life is an opportunity to learn and to grow. There are major opportunities to grow through guilt and regrets…use guilt and regrets as a catalyst to catapult you to a higher standard for yourself. See and realize the potential in yourself to grow through times of guilt, regrets, and disappointments.

~Do whatever it takes to create a better life. Regret is a powerful motivator to not repeat the same mistakes or poor decisions. When we choose to make better decisions, a better life then has the potential to fully open up.

~Regrets allow you to understand yourself and others at a much deeper level. It is very refining. Allow regret to refine you, not define you. Failure and mistakes are not who you are…they are simply what you have chosen to do. The good thing is this: we all have the ability to choose to make better choices each and every day. Nobody ever has to stay stuck as long as they have the amazing power of CHOICE.

~Each day, we are afforded the opportunity to make brand new decisions…tons of them. Regret opens the doorway to understanding that each choice we make…even the smallest choices…are opportunities to grow in wisdom and understanding.

We would all probably love to go back in time and choose differently. Like I said earlier, “Hindsight is always 20/20!”
Beating yourself up day in and day out will not change the past. It takes being proactive to overcome the past and past regret…and it is worth it to do your self-work to do so!

If you’ve wronged someone, clear your conscience and make it right.
Say sorry…Forgive yourself…Rid yourself of bitterness towards others and yourself…Do better in the future…Allow your loved ones to learn from your experiences and teach them how to not make the same or similar mistakes.

We are all here to learn, to grow, and to better ourselves each and every day. Regret attempts to stop that process and it’s our job to overcome regret so that we can learn, grow, and better ourselves once again.

Today, if you are battling regret, come up with a plan to make things right and then let it go.

Ultimately, God is who has helped me to overcome the regrets I’ve had in my life. Ask God to heal your heart and to empower you to do better from this day forward.

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim

©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.
❤️
Resources~

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): Click here for book

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 
2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 
3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)

When Hope Seems Lost

When going through grief or the hardships of life, it can be easy to lose hope.

When googling a definition for hope, this came up:

Hope~
1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
synonyms: aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design; More

After I saw this definition for hope, I quickly realized that the reason hope is not readily available to a griever is because the expectation and desire is for our loved one to still be with us…or for a past circumstance to not have happened…and we can’t make that happen.

As I looked at the synonyms…aspiration…desire…wish…expectation…ambition…aim…goal…plan…design, I realized hope itself can be created out of these synonyms of hope.

We can’t bring a loved one back…and in many situations in life, we may not have the ability to take back something that happened in the past…but we can all make the important life-saving decision to aspire to create a new normal.

We can create new desires for our futures. We can form new wishes and expectations, have new ambitions, aim our sights on fresh new goals, make new plans, and come up with a new design for our lives.

It’s not easy or fun…and if a griever is completely honest with themselves, it will most likely be one of the hardest things a person will ever have to do. Creating a new “normal” isn’t something any griever would willingly sign up for…but the alternative is to die a little bit more inside every. single. day. The ultimate alternative is to permanently lose hope.

So we hope for a better tomorrow…we hope someday the pain will not feel as fresh as it does today…we hope that life will once again be the joyful song we once knew it to be…and we hope that eventually hope itself will be renewed so we can truly feel hope once again on an everyday basis.

How do we regain our hope after life devastates us?

That will look different for each individual griever. Hope is something that requires self-work and renewing hope is something we must CHOOSE for ourselves.

I personally find hope in God. In grief, He is the only thing that has ever made sense…and the only One who has ever had the ability to make sense out of my grief.

As I struggle through situations I don’t understand, I ask God to show me deeper levels of His love and comfort. I ask Him to reveal a greater depth and perspective about life that will help me, or someone I know, at a future date. I do not like to feel as though life or grief is in vain or wasted, so I seek to learn life lessons through anything I go through in life…good and bad.

A few months ago, I came across Psalm 107:23-31 as I was studying about prayer. It spoke volumes to me because grief makes a soul feel as though it is drowning in the deep. As the waves of grief come crashing in, it can feel just like a horrible storm that leaves you miserable and at your wit’s end. It can make you feel as though you have no hope.

Psalm 107:23-31, “Those who go down to the sea in ships, Who do business on great waters; They have seen the works of the LORD, And His wonders in the deep. For He spoke and raised up a stormy wind, Which lifted up the waves of the sea. They rose up to the heavens, they went down to the depths; Their soul melted away in their misery. They reeled and staggered like a drunken man, and were at their wits’ end. Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, And He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, So that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, So He guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness, And for His wonders to the sons of men!”

When we cry out to God in our heartache and troubles, He has the powerful ability to renew our hope and bring us out of our distress. He is the One who can quiet the waves we go through in life, causing the storms of life to be still, when we allow Him to guide and direct us in life.

Today, if you are struggling with God and wondering if hope will ever be a true part of your life again, I encourage you to call out to God and seek Him for His help. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to regain your personal hope.

Hope can be renewed. It may take time, and maybe even a lot of tears, but it can happen. Life can be good again, too!

Faith and hope go hand-in-hand. When you are lacking in one, strengthen the other. Both can be built by choice.

Ask yourself, “How can I strengthen my hope or faith today?”

Diligently think of new ways to build your hope back up.

It may be hard at first…and it may take baby steps…but one step at a time, made each and every day, will eventually lead you to a new normal of experiencing HOPE.

Once one rebuilds their hope, they then have the incredible opportunity to start rebuilding their life.

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim

©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.
❤️
Resources~

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 
2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 
3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)

Trusting others with your grief

When going through grief or a traumatizing situation, please be careful who you trust and confide in.

Not everybody has a hurting person’s best interests at heart; some may even use your personal story as a means to gossip.

By no means should you bottle up all of your hurts, emotions, or story…just use extreme wisdom in who you allow the precious privilege of helping and encouraging you.

There are very good people out there…and, oh, what treasures they are!

Choose people who will adopt the mentality, “It’s your story, and it’s not mine to tell.”

Praying God blesses everyone with compassionate, empathetic, and trustworthy family and friends!

Gratitude & blessings,
Kim

©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️

Resources~

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): Click here for book

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 
2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 
3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)

You Can’t Ride 2 Horses With 1 Hiney: Choosing Purpose Over Worry

Have you ever worried what people think about you?

Think of the following people:

  • Craig Groeschel
  • Walt Disney
  • Rosa Parks
  • Abraham Lincoln
  • Billy Graham
  • Dr. Ben Carson
  • Harriet Tubman
  • Benjamin Franklin
  • Thomas Edison

…and countless others you can name who have one thing in common…

THEY DID NOT CARE WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT ABOUT THEM.

They were so purpose-filled, they accomplished great things...things many said could never happen.

We live in a world where worry and judgment runs rampant, grace can be slight, and criticism is at an all time high. People have always had expectations and judgments throughout the ages. Some succumb to them…others rebel. The great ones neither succumb or rebel. Instead, they find their purpose.

It can be too easy to just go with the flow to please the majority, and if you desire to be liked by the majority, it becomes easier to give up all individuality, while losing your true authentic self in the process. And most are willing to settle for this…all because of being concerned about other people’s acceptance and approval.

Let me warn youprimarily caring about what people think could cost you something of greater value than another person’s acceptance or approval…it could cost you your life purpose.

I have a confession to make…for much of my life, I cared far too much about what other people thought of me and I have also tried to be all things to all people. I’m a HUGE people pleaser by nature…and guilt trips previously worked on me ever since I can remember.

I’ve been accused of being a doormatguilty.

I’ve been accused of being too emotion-driven or heart-drivenguilty.

I’ve been accused of being too transparent...guilty.

I’ve been accused of talking about my family and how much I love them way too much…or puppies…absolutely guilty again.

…but as I pondered my life, I came to an important conclusion…I have 2 choices:

  1. I can worry about what people think about me…or…
  2. I can care more what God thinks about me and vibrantly fulfill His amazing purpose for my life

I discovered through this conclusion that I have a responsibility to live this out as a lifestyle because I have found that I can accomplish greater thingsI can develop truer, more authentic relationshipsI can live life fuller…and I am freed up to realize my potential in a greater way each and every day when I leave my worries—especially what others think—behind.

Galatians 1:10, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

You can’t ride two horses with one hiney…if you’re going to strive to live a more purposeful life, you must choose which horse is going to go the greater distance: the horse of worry and pleasing others…or the horse of purpose and pleasing God.

Living a life of complacency, caving, unhealthy compromise, worry, or confusion gets you no where FAST.  Caring what others think will leave you empty-handed at the end of your life.

DAILY choose the horse of purposenot worrying about what others think about me…not worrying about accomplishing my life purpose but instead, handing it over to God…not worrying throughout life challenges…and not worrying about trivial things

Worrying…and caring about what others think of you…robs you of your joy, your purpose, and your ability to relate to others.

It robs you of some of the most amazing gifts God has granted you…your INDIVIDUALITY, PERSONALITY, and CREATIVITY.

To not worry requires to DAILY choose to give all of your worries and expectations to God.

Not convinced to not worry? Here are some AMAZING PERKS of perfecting the art of a no worries lifestyle

1. Not worrying enhances your TRUE personality

Worrying robs you and everyone else of the highly personalized YOU God created you to be.

When we worry about fitting in, conforming to other’s expectations…just to be accepted…we lose a huge piece of ourselves. The enemy loves nothing more than to rob people of their individuality and life purpose. If we are all the same, we have nothing unique to draw others to our heart and ministry. We will have nothing extraordinary to bring to the table. Being like everyone else…being the same…leaves the world a dry, boring, tasteless place. We’re called to be SALTY…so SPICE YOUR LIFE and YOUR MINISTRY UP!

2. Not worrying allows you to have some CRAZY FUN in life

When you stop caring about what other people think, you free yourself up to live life BIG. Who cares if you fall madly in love with your spouse and are public about it? Who cares if you absolutely adore being a parent…and talk about it frequently? Who cares if you sing or dance in the car with the windows down at a stoplight? Who cares if you make a fool of yourself singing karaoke? Who cares if you live life to the fullest, savor every opportunity, or do something crazy fun every once in a while? Not you because you won’t care or worry! There is FREEDOM when you finally make the decision to not care what others think. I’m not advocating being rebellious, rude, obnoxious, or ill-mannered…but there are SO many things in life that people never get around to doing because they are too concerned with what others will think.

Train yourself to only care what God thinks!

You have a gift: you are ALIVE today! You have the opportunity to live life BIG…so tell your loved ones how proud of them you are, after you tell how much you love and adore them, while giving them a huge hugstep up your game at work…do an anonymous kind act today…pay for someone’s dinner anonymously at a restaurant or someone’s coffee in the drive-thru line at Starbucks…buy flowers for a widow…choose to accomplish a long forgotten goal…take up a new hobby…do something you used to find great joy in.

Quit trying to prove to others that you’re valuable by seeking their approval! You KNOW you’re valuable–God made you! Find your value in and through HIM!

 PROVE to yourself that you’re alive and that your life is too good and too big to be lived in the mediocrity of worrying what others think!

Like I said, YOU CAN MISS OPPORTUNITIES and GREAT MEMORIES if you constantly care what others think.

3. Not worrying about what others think will win you the RIGHT friends and eliminate the WRONG friends

Not everyone is going to like you…and it’s not always going to be your fault. The people who truly care about you and your life will accept you…AND VALUE YOU for who you are. The wrong ones will not. No matter what you do, no matter how nice you are, what you accomplish, no matter your lot in life, people either like you or they don’t. Don’t sweat it. It’s irresponsible and a waste of precious time trying to get others to approve of you or like you. Appreciate the ones who care enough to do life with you, don’t worry about the one’s who don’t. If it’s God’s will for them to be in your life, they’ll be there. It’s not always rejection…many times, it’s God’s protection!

4. Not worrying how others view your life allows you more freedom to accomplish your life purpose

My life purpose is to extravagantly love God and my family and to encourage those who have suffered hardship or grief. If someone doesn’t enjoy their family or hasn’t been through grief or a major life challenge, I’m not going to make much sense to that person…how I use my time and my zeal for life…more than likely will be of little impact to them. When you make a conscious effort to fulfill your life purpose and God’s will for your life, your life takes on a new meaning. You will no longer be satisfied with mediocre relationships or mediocre living. A passion will burn inside your heart to make the greatest impact possible. Your relationships become precious. Your time becomes precious. Your schedule will significantly clear up because you’ll want to direct your attention and efforts into living an authentic true life that is filled with meaning….a true life filled with purpose.

5. Not worrying demands a sharp focus

Your goals, dreams, ideas, and purpose need to become a daily priority. You’ll begin to sharply understand that the day will come when you will have to look at yourself in the mirror and give an account to not only God but also to yourself of how you chose to spend your life. You realize that on that day, you will know beyond any shadow of a doubt if you met your goals, dreams, ideas, and purpose…or if you caved by caring what others thought about you. You’ll know you did a job well done or you will know that you wasted your relationships, time, resources, money, opportunities, and energy.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Do not worry about the past or any mistakes you have made…you have TODAY to make things right, set things straight, and to begin to fulfill your purpose throughout the rest of your life. If you have a heartbeat, you have PURPOSE! Ask God to reveal it to you!

6. Not worrying is a work of art…it’s a daily decision to live your life responsibly and on purpose

You are the one who will give an account of your life…no one else. Take responsibility for your decisions, the blessings or consequences of those decisions, and the outcome of your life. It’s your life so live it well.

7. Not worrying GROWS your ministry

Your personal ministry is God-ordainedGod-approved, and should be done to your best ability.

EVERYBODY has a ministry. Some have realized theirs, while others have yet to discover it…but make no mistake…everybody has one. The question is: will you embrace it, take ownership of it, and do it to the best of your ability? 

My opinion is people do one of 5 things with their purpose and ministry:

  1. reject it
  2. neglect it
  3. dabble in it
  4. go through the motions by doing it as a requirement or duty
  5. or they go ALL OUT by doing it BIG

You have a purpose and ministry that is so unique…so amazing…and God is calling you to do it to the BEST of your ability!

In my grief ministry, I am not traditional or status quo. I can’t afford to care what others think…my ministry and the people I help depend on it. Grief ministry demands that I be as transparent, open, honest, and authentic as I possibly can be. It demands that people can connect with me, see inside my heart, and they are able to relate to me at a very deep level. It was extremely scary opening myself up like that…sharing with others my deepest hurts, giving my testimony of how God healed my heart after much grief and loss. I knew if I was to be effective, I had to be ALL in. That’s where God uses people best…when they are passionately willing to do their purpose and ministry with their whole heart. Whether there are people you’re ministering to or 500,000do it big for even the smallest number.

Don’t care or worry what others think about you, your marriage, parenting, career, or ministry…and don’t care or worry if someone else is doing life, their purpose, or ministry differently. Have the most personalized life experience that God can offer you…that’s when life becomes unique, fun, and incredibly rewarding!

Find out what your purpose and God-given ministry is…that’s where you’ll find JOY, peace, & the sweetest life possible.

Every experience you have had in life has, or is, shaping you for your life purpose and ministry…Bloom where you are planted!

8. Not worrying about day-to-day happenings will allow you to draw on God’s strength and not your own

Too many times in life, we attempt to do or achieve things that are not God’s will…or we attempt to do God’s will in our own effort. When we do things in our own effort, we become frustrated, prideful, or full of ourselves, thinking we are greater than we are. We need to be more concerned that God receives the glory for what gets accomplished. In ministry, we need to realize that our ministries are not truly ours…they are entrusted to us by God. If something great happens in them…it’s not ours to become proud of…we become humbled that God used us greatly.

We give credit to others, realizing we achieve nothing by ourselves. Every accomplishment or contribution we make in life is only because someone chose to invest in us.

God is ultimately the One who gives us the drive and dedication we have in our hearts, so it makes sense to dedicate all we are and all we have back to Him. When you dedicate your ministry to God, He opens the doors and gives you the words to speak. There is no room for pride or worrying.

For example, I went on vacation to relax a few weeks ago. My biggest plan for the day was to have fun…but God had different plans.

I met a man who was filming a documentary on grief (of all things!) for HBO. As I talked to him, he interviewed and videoed me for his TV series. I had no idea what to say so I asked God to give me the words He wanted me to share. I surprised my family…and myself...when I began sharing about a very painful experience that happened to me when I was 12 years old. I very rarely talk about that situation…yet that apparently is what God wanted me to talk about that day. Someone watching the documentary when it airs on HBO will need to hear what I had to say and will find hope through my experience. After I did the interview, I felt sick with worry. My mind raced, “What will everyone think about that?…Why did I share on that topic when I had others I could have talked about?…Most of my friends and in-laws do not even know about that difficult chapter in my life and I just shared it with the world.” That is when God impressed on my heart…Life is too short to worry about trivial thingstoo short to worry about what others will think of you..too short to be worried at all.

After I shared about what happened, an older man who was in the video room came up to me and told me my story greatly inspired him. He said he was impressed by my cheerful countenance, my ability to overcome that incident, and still love life. Little did I realize that God was pushing me, giving me the words to deepen my ministry, to make a greater difference that day.

That is what life is about: fulfilling your life purpose fully for God and making a GREATER DIFFERENCE.

Forget all worries…make the decision to not worry and dedicate your life purpose to God.

Romans 12 & Matthew 6:27 addresses all of this beautifully. I encourage you to read these amazing passages. 

Okay…if you’ve read this up to this point, I am extremely impressed. Reward yourself. 

Seriously, thank you for listening to my heart.

Remember the 2 horses: worry and purpose…you can’t ride 2 horses with 1 hiney.

Choose your horse wisely. It will take you to a destination of loss and regrets…or…purpose and fulfillment.

Seek God, ask Him to give you an extra measure of grace to not worry about what others think, and to not worry at all. Pursue your life purpose, find out what life experiences and ministry God is impressing on your heart to help others, and ENJOY lifeFree yourself from worry. Do what you can and leave the rest up to God. Cast your cares upon Him for He cares for you. He has a life purpose for you and it is so wonderful you’re going to be amazed!

Please don’t miss it by worrying.

**If at the end of reading this post, you could hear the whistles of Don’t Worry, Be Happy in your head, you get bonus points**

To find out your purpose, go to http://www.chazown.com and also http://www.purposedriven.com

Gratitude & blessings,
Kim

©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.
❤️
Resources~

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): Click here for book

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 
2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 
3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 
4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)

Suicide…10 TIPS to make a difference

80% of all people have thought about suicide at one time or another.

50% of students have experienced suicidal thoughts.

15-18% will seriously consider suicide as a viable option.

8% will attempt it.

Suicide for me is a topic that hits home.

Several years ago, one of my friends killed herself…a few years later, another friend who attended the same Bible study with me killed himself…in 2007, a friend who changed my life committed suicide…this year, a friend of my husband’s and mine committed suicide…then a treasured loved one attempted suicide.

Yesterday, Robin Williams sadly took his own life.

Suicide is a devastating permanent decision that is made while in the trenches of a personal & temporary emotional hell.

Suicide doesn’t discriminate.

It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, if you have a genius mind, what nationality you are, if you have a ton of friends or none…it can tempt anyone.

It is carried out by the mentally ill, as well as the mentally fit…it is carried out by people who have very loving parents & families, as well as those who lack familial support & love…it beckons the lonely bullied kids, as well as those who are popular…it has nothing to do with God, as well as everything to do with God.

How many people do each of us know who are silently at the brink of potentially quitting life?

It starts with every person because each one of us has the incredible capacity to make a difference in the lives of others!

I thought of 10 things that may make a difference. This certainly is not an exhaustive list. People hurt for many different reasons. This list is just what I consider helpful.

10 TIPS FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION~it starts with each of us

1. CHOOSE TO BE A NICE PERSON

Be kind to others. You NEVER know what people are dealing with on a day-to-day basis…things that you have no idea about. Your words have the power to uplift someone or to destroy a part of someone’s heart.

You’d be surprised how many people are literally one unkind word away from doing something regretful. “One” thing someone says could very well be the “100th” thing that was said to them during the week or month. Unkindness has a layering affect that eventually builds up. Use your words to be kind.

2. BE A GOOD REFLECTION

If you see that someone is struggling–or they are being bullied, outcasted, or rejected–or if you see someone who is making poor decisions–choose to be the ONE person who makes a difference in their life. Some people have no idea that they have VALUE.

Maybe God wants to use YOU to help uncover their value to where they gain the ability to CLEARLY see it for themselves.

Problems have a way of clouding the way we see ourselves in the daily mirror of life. Be a good solid mirror in the lives of others so that when they talk to you, they see a good reflection. People truly need that. If you see something good in someone, tell them. Give people genuine praise and words of affirmation. You may be the only good “mirror” they will see themselves through until they gain the ability to see the good in their own self.

3. DEVELOP DISCERNMENT & MERCY

Don’t believe everything you hear about people. If you do hear something negative, choose to be the type of person who gives others MERCY & the benefit of the doubt. Everybody has value and everyone has the potential to do great things with their life. EVERYBODY.

Even if something said is true, people can and do change.

Give & be the mercy today that you would hope to receive tomorrow.

Treat others how you would want to be treated in the same situation.

Everybody has the capacity to make a really poor decision. It is never a good idea to be so prideful to think that we are the exception. Please use discernment and give others MERCY.

4. DON’T PLACE BLAME

Don’t blame or judge the parents, spouse, or family of the person who tried to commit suicide or succeeded in commiting suicide. If a person commits suicide, it simply means that they did not like how the circumstances of their life was going, they lost hope, or an event was excruciatingly painful, or the pain in their life became too great to handle. It does NOT (& should NOT) reflect on the family of those left behind.

The family left behind needs your love, support, COMPASSION, & encouragement more than ever. Don’t shun or avoid them and please DO NOT make their situation a topic of gossip. They feel terribly heartbroken and traumatized about it already. Please do not add to their pain.

Don’t blame the person. They were in a lot of pain and they simply got caught up in a very dark moment and felt like the options ran out. They weren’t trying to be selfish, hurtful or unthoughtful…they were in the darkest depths of their life and didn’t know how to swim to the surface. They felt as though they were drowning and got tired of treading the waters of “life”.

If you know of a hurting family member or friend, please don’t judge their pain…please HELP & LOVE THEM!

Many times, outside people do not have all the facts to know the totality of a story of what went on inside the life of the person who committed suicide. Everybody has a story…and not everyone is an open book. Please be compassionate.

5. CHOOSE TO BE A HOPE GIVER & ENCOURAGER

There are some people in life who have a way of infusing hope in the darkest situations of life. CONTINUALLY FIND WAYS TO BE ONE OF THEM! Seek to let everyone you come in contact with know that life is good regardless of any life event they are going through. Encourage those who God has placed around you.

INFUSE HOPE, LOVE, AND ENCOURAGEMENT INTO FAMILY & FRIEND’S LIVES!

Although suicide or attempted suicide can be a source of gossip, don’t be so quick to believe that someone who attempted suicide is merely a depressed mess.

Many times, after a suicide attempt, a person will learn very deep life lessons. Many will develop compassion towards others who are hurting. Some of the best encouragers I’ve ever met have been those who have been affected by depression or suicide.

After my attempt, I found how to be an encourager. If you want to be a great encourager, think of the struggles you have had in life…then look for others who are going through a same or similar struggle, and encourage them the way you wished someone would have encouraged you.

It can make a big difference!

6. DEVELOP AN ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE & A LIFE PURPOSE THAT BECOMES GREATER THAN PERSONAL PAIN

It is so important to understand how to have an eternal perspective…and to genuinely understand that EVERY life matters. There is a huge need for people who are able to EFFECTIVELY communicate this truth: Everybody goes through bad situations in life…and every situation in life is redeemable. EVERYBODY has a life purpose that needs to be fulfilled…and ONLY they have the ability to fulfill it.

With so much judgment in the world, it is easy for people to feel constantly discouraged. We need to reverse our judgments and turn them into something that helps others…and find tangible ways of caring for others. When people are down…and there are a lot of situations that can bring people down…who can they trust to help lift them out of the pit? It’s not enough to say, “I care”…everybody cares…our families and friends may need more than that. They may need to know that someone ACTIVELY CARES and are willing to invest in their life. If you see someone struggling…ask how you can help. Let them know they have great value and that there is an Answer to anything and everything in life. PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW THAT THEIR LIFE PURPOSE IS GREATER THAN ANY PAIN THEY EXPERIENCE. Pain in life is temporary…a life purpose is eternal. IT HAS AN ONGOING LASTING IMPACT & LEGACY. 

I suffered greatly with depression until I found my life purpose. Everybody has an incredible life purpose…once you find out what your own unique purpose is, it breathes new life into your heart. It truly fills your heart with HOPE!

There is purpose in every pain we all go through and it is often there to develop & refine our life purpose.

To find out your purpose, go to http://www.chazown.com and also http://www.purposedriven.com

I HIGHLY recommend two books:

  • Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For? This book has sold more books than any other nonfiction book except for the Bible. It is an incredible book that has the ability to change lives!
  • Craig Groeschel’s book, Chazown: A Different Way to See Your Life Craig Groeschel is a skilled communicator. You will truly enjoy his style of writing and wit!

7. BE A GOOD EXAMPLE TO YOUR CHILDREN

We, as parents, can fool ourselves into believing that our kids are automatically or naturally born “kind” people.

Character & kindness are CAUGHT, not TAUGHT. We can tell our kids to be kind all we want but if they do not see it in our lives, they aren’t going to buy it.

Here are a few questions each of us should ask ourselves for personal accountability:

(IT STARTS AT HOME!)

Do your kids see you being kind to your spouse, your other children, & others? Do they see you talking bad about other people to your friends? Do they see you maliciously gossiping, belittling, or insulting others? Do they see you actively befriending others or do they see you being overly critcal & picky with whom you choose to befriend? Has someone reached out to you to offer friendship and you snubbed them? Have you been arrogant or exclusive? Have they witnessed you being “two-faced”…nice to people when they are around but talk poorly about them later?

Parents are children’s main blueprint & role models for how to treat others. I think sometimes, we can all minimize or forget that.

We want to blame others instead of looking in the mirror. We ALL do it…harsh but true.

We want to think that it is always “everyone else” who will fix societal issues. We each need to honestly self-reflect to see if we are truly part of the problem…and how we can be part of the solution.

We, as parents, need to realize that kind parents produce the next kind generation. The hand that rocks the cradle has the power to influence and rock the world. Make sure you do everything in your power to ensure that your children will rock the world with kindness and compassion as adults.

If you’ve made these mistakes (and we ALL have), go to your kids and ask for forgiveness. It is never too late to become a kinder person and to open up important conversation with our kiddos about being kind to others..even if they are now adults. We are all works in progress, none of us are perfect.

When you know better, you then have the ability to do better.

Now that you know, change life up & make kindness a priority. Teach your kids to be kind by example.

8. INFORM OTHERS OF ORGANIZATIONS THAT WANT TO HELP THEM

Post a phone number of a suicide hotline on your facebook page today and tell your facebook friends that they are valuable. You may want to simply say something like, “If you’re feeling depressed or like there’s no reason to live, PLEASE go talk to someone. I care about each and every one of you and want you to continue being in my life.”

People need to tell their family & friends that they are cared about. It DOES make a difference!

By the way, National Suicide Prevention Lifeline‘s phone number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Suicide hotline is 24/7, free, and confidential with a nationwide network of crisis centers.

Another good organization with a free hotline is The Focus on the Family Help Center. Counselors are available to listen and pray with you, as well as provide initial guidance and resources to help. Arrange to speak with a licensed Christian counselor at no cost by calling 1-855-771-HELP (4357) Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. (Mountain time).

9. CALL PEOPLE OUT

If you see that a family member or friend has been behaving differently, has made drastic changes to their appearance or lifestyle, has appeared depressed or hopeless, or has mentioned “life sucks” or has said life is “not worth living”, CALL THEM OUT ON IT…ASK if they are okay. Tell them you care about them and that you love them. Let them know that you are always there for them and they can call you anytime…day or night. Better to offend a friend than to have regret.

10. REACH OUT TO YOUR FAMILY & FRIENDS IF YOU ARE HAVING A HARD TIME AND SEEK GOD

If you are feeling depressed, reach out to your loved ones. Society tells everyone that they need to be strong…but we ALL will have times in life where we feel weak or depressed.

Don’t bottle it all in. Seek out a TRUSTED family member or friend and get the help you need.

It helps to get another person’s perspective about situations and hardships in life. It helps to know someone cares.

If you are feeling depressed, make wellness a priority…even if you don’t want to.

Pray, seek God’s heart, eat right, exercise, get enough sleep and rest, and do things in life that you previously enjoyed…especially when you do not feel like doing any of these things.

It takes time to fix what has been broken. It takes time for God to work the details out to make something good come out of the painful event you are experiencing.

Get the help you need today so you have the ability to help others through the situations they are facing tomorrow. YOU are going to be ABSOLUTE JEWEL to someone in the future who will be going through a similar heartache!

I hope all of this was helpful. If it makes a difference in even one person’s life, it was worth writing. Please know that you have VALUE! Life is worth living! 

Yes, 8% will attempt suicide. I pray that those 8% will find the HOPE they are seeking from ONE person. Their life purpose is unfolding. I sure hope someone cares about them today so they have a renewed ability to live out their life purpose tomorrow.

Be the ONE.

Each one of us knows someone who is going through depression or someone who is going through a tough time.

Let’s make the commitment to pick up the phone TODAY & call the people we love and tell them how much they mean to us. If we know someone is down, we need to check on them and make sure they are okay. Encourage family & friends this week!
Compassion is so needed in this world..everyone needs to know they matter.

If you have gone through the heartache of losing a family member or friend to suicide, I am so very sorry. I know that every time suicide is a topic in the news, it can bring intense grief back up to the surface. Praying for every family going through this tonight!

If you are having thoughts of suicide or you are going through deep depression, DO NOT wait to get help. There’s no shame in getting help! If you broke your arm, you’d seek out help. How much more important is your heart & your mind!
Please seek out help for depression…especially if you are having suicidal thoughts!
YOU MATTER!!!!!

©2014 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

Kim’s book: Click here for book

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays


5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus (coming soon)

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print. 

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.

7 Helpful Steps For Grieving Families

Anyone who has been through deep grief knows firsthand how it can affect relationships.

Grief can be extra challenging when it comes to family relationships.

Our families are who we are most comfortable around…and sadly, they’re who we show our hurts and frustrations to the most.

Did you know that 75% of parents will get divorced after the death of a child and even more will divorce when a child has a disability?

People may say and do things during deep grief that can be very uncharacteristic of their true nature. That is why it is so important to safeguard and treasure our families more than ever during times of grief. 

Compassion and empathy are absolutely key in helping our family relationships to survive and thrive during our toughest storms in life.

It takes time for a broken heart to heal, and it takes time to find a working “new normal”. Like a hurricane, grief changes everything and has the capacity to damage everything in its path. It truly takes having a game plan to ensure that family relationships do not suffer.

If we are to purposely ensure that our family relationships remain healthy during times of deep grief, it is vital for grieving families to:

1. Be there for each other

2. Show compassion to one another

3. Allow each other to grieve how each needs to grieve (this is a HUGE one because everyone grieves differently)

4. Be respectful and kind to one another

5. Support one another by helping each other with day-to-day responsibilities and remembering appointments and important events (buying a calendar and having each family member write down their appointments and events on the calendar will alleviate stress and will eliminate communication mishaps. Grief can make people forget appointments, events, special occasions, etc.)

6. Be forgiving of each other and refuse to play the “blame game”. During grief or loss, it is easy to want to project our hurt or blame onto something or someone else. Depending on the grief experience, this can be incredibly tough to overcome. Sometimes, finding a qualified counselor can be very helpful, one who can help families to work through the pain and blame.

7. Many times, the very best thing a family member can do for another family member is to simply listen and give a big comforting hug

If you are going through grief, remember that your spouse, children, & family members are part of your team. Yes, there are going to be some very tough days to weather together…but resolve today to encourage, love, and support each other through the thick and thin life throws at you.
Treat each other the best you possibly can and love each other well!
Draw close together as you walk through your storm together!

©2014 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!❤️

For more encouragement:

Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

❤️

Lessons from Maleficent

I wrote this for another blog and thought I’d share it on this one. I hope it encourages someone to do whatever it takes to get their “wings” back so they can fly to higher heights!

 

This week, I saw the new Disney movie, Maleficent.

It is a great movie to see and then discuss bitterness, revenge, continuous ongoing conflict, and forgiveness, afterwards, with your family.

***SPOILER ALERT***

If you have not seen Maleficent, and are going to go see it, you’ll want to come back to read this post after doing so! 🙂

Alrighty…got that out of the way…

So…

If you have ever seen Sleeping Beauty, then you grew up believing that Maleficent was a real witch…an evil character that just had it out for the king and queen for no good reason.

She was merely having a bad day and decided to stir the pot of hatefulness on the day the king and queen celebrated Princess Aurora’s birth.

But…with this new updated version of the movie, we clearly empathize and begin to understand why Maleficent was so incredibly angry. She was hurt and devastated by the king a few years earlier.

Conflict and gossip can be like that…people tell us what they think about other people, and they sometimes do so without telling us what “clipped” the other person’s “wings”.

Everybody has a set of “wings.”

Our “wings” can be lost through grief or loss. Wings come in many forms…it can be the loss of a loved one, the loss of a treasured relationship or relationship interference by another person, or it may be the loss of prized or treasured possessions, goals, dreams, career/job/money, family harmony, etc…it can be anything that meant the world to a person.

That gets me to the point of this post:

When we see that Maleficent was wronged…and oh, she was truly wronged…we see she begins to tremendously darken her once amazingly beautiful and kind heart.

How many times has that happened to us during times of grief or loss? When we lost someone, or something, we tremendously loved and valued, we were tempted to harden our hearts?

It is all too easy to become bitter, or at the very least, slightly jealous of other peoples good that they have remaining in their lives.

If you want to have the contents of your heart revealed, just get on Facebook. You seem to see everything you lost. If you lost your health, it seems that everybody has boundless energy and is having a grand ol’ time when all you want to do is hide your physical pain from the world. If your loss is the death of a loved one, or a painful relationship with a family member, it seems like everybody gets along incredibly well with their entire family…and they seem to do it on an AWESOME vacation. If your loss is a career or finances, it can seem that everybody is so in love with their job and makes lots and lots of money. If your loss was a precious child or a miscarriage, you see gobs of pictures of people playing with their kids and enjoying them to the fullest. You get the idea…whatever the loss, it will stand out on a social media site.

Back to Maleficent…

Maleficent’s heart was incredibly darkened and hardened…until she allowed love and light back into her heart.

And so it is with grief. We all have a choice. We can allow our grief to put us in a state of feeling longterm negativity all of the time…or we can search for any opportunity we can to allow love and light back into our hearts.

We can choose to be bitter and focus only on all we have lost, or we can choose to work on resolving our bitterness and purposely choose to see everything and everyone we have remaining in our lives.

Maleficent was absolutely broken in the movie…so heartbroken that she bitterly spoke a curse on baby Princess Aurora due to deep bitterness and pain…and Maleficent truly regretted it later on.

We, too, will end up regretting being bitter…we also can deeply regret not finding life again to truly live it, too.

We can choose to avoid or mistreat people due to our deep pain, or we can cherish the remaining people in our life with everything we have.

This can be challenging to do…but it is worth it!

Whatever we focus on, that is what we will see and perceive…

If we focus on our loss, we will live a life of loss. If we focus on “life”…our lives will become much better…and we will live life fuller than ever expected.

 

It takes training our hearts and minds to focus on who and what we still do have…and that is exactly what eventually brings us back to life.

Maleficent’s heart was softened by her deep love of Aurora by experiencing life again through Aurora’s child-like wonder.

We also can make a decision to love and love life once again.

Yes, through grief recovery, life truly begins to take on a whole new meaning…and finding a “new normal” is NOT fun…it can be the most excruciatingly painful and hardest thing you will ever have to learn to do. Anyone who has had their “wings” clipped by grief or loss truly understands how tough life can be, but each person CAN end up loving and living life so much more than they presently do.

It takes time, and renewing the hope in our hearts, but it finally can happen.

We may not ever be able to get our original “wings” back, but we can ask God to create brand new ones…and with those new wings, we can learn to fly higher than we thought possible and then powerfully help others to fly, too, as we share with them how we learned to fly again through our darkest days.

 

©2014 Grief Bites. All rights reserved. 


❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays


5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: http://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print. 

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.

Conflict Resolution (Pt 3)- 75 Character Qualities That Can Change Your Life

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” ~Helen Keller

Grief, conflict, hardships, struggles, and suffering are opportune times to develop personal character because through each of these circumstances, character is revealed…and tested…the most.

The key to changing every aspect of  life…including conflict resolution…is developing solid character because character and success go hand in hand. 

Show me a person who has solid character and I’ll show you someone who handles grief circumstances and conflict wisely, as well as marriage, parenting, career, and relationship issues.

The amount of character one develops in life directly influences how much success they will enjoy…in their spiritual walk, personal life, marriage, family, finances, relationships, career—basically everything!

A lack of character is quite costly because character is a derivative of the heart…and the heart is the single greatest indicator of what we will choose to do with EVERY area of our lives.

 

Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

 

Why is character so vitally important? Because character affects ourselves and everyone we come into contact with. Character is singlehandedly the greatest impact a person can have in this world.

 

The following character list is great to go by when:

  • developing personal character
  • going through grief or hardships
  • experiencing conflict
  • looking for a dating/marriage partner
  • training your children
  • interviewing a potential staff member
  • living life

Whatever conflict you are experiencing right now, consider which character trait has been violated. After discovering which trait has not been honored, you then will be free to begin developing the character trait to bring about restoration.

Ask God to reveal to your heart how to best develop each character trait below. As you read each character trait, ask yourself how you can effectively develop each trait so it can truly become a part of your regular day-to-day life.

 

75 Character Qualities That Can Change Your Life
1. Alertness vs. Unawareness– Being aware of that which is taking place around me so I can have the right response to it (Mark 14:38)

2. Attentiveness vs. Unconcern Showing the worth of a person by giving undivided attention to his words and emotions (Hebrews 2:1)

3. Availability vs. Self-centeredness– Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of God and those I am serving (Philippians 2:20–21)

4. Boldness vs. Fearfulness– Confidence that what I have to say or do is true and right and just in the sight of God (Acts 4:29)

5. Cautiousness vs. Rashness– Knowing how important right timing is in accomplishing right actions (Proverbs 19:2)

6. Communication vs. Lacking Communication– Willingly, kindly, and clearly communicating my thoughts, ideas, concerns, and needs with others while allowing them to clearly communicate their needs, ideas, concerns, and thoughts as well (Ephesians 4:25-29)

7. Compassion vs. Indifference (I John 3:17)- Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others.

8. Community vs. Isolation– Treating my family the very best I possibly can (realizing God specifically placed them in my life) and also seeking out a great church and wise friends to “do life” with (Hebrews 10:24-25)

9. Contentment vs. Covetousness Realizing that God has provided everything I need for my present happiness, and not comparing myself or my life to others (I Timothy 6:8)

10. Cooperation vs. Rebellion Doing my part to harmoniously respect, obey, and cooperate with God,  as well as all the authority figures, law enforcement, and people (spouse, parents, elders, family, employers, church) God has placed in my life, and wisely choosing not to rebel against scripture or legitimate guidelines, laws, rules, and boundaries (Hebrews 13:17, Romans 13:1-5, Ephesians 6:1-3)

11. Courage vs. Cowardice– Choosing to face any obstacle in life with courage so as not to run away from hardships or responsibilities (Philippians 4:13)

12. Courtesy vs. Rudeness Extending respect, kindness, and courtesy to everyone I come into contact with–regardless of their behavior (Ephesians 4:32)

13. Creativity vs. Underachievement/Dullness Approaching a need, a task, an idea from a new perspective (Romans 12:2)  and considering all of the creative ways to implement a bright outcome

14. Decisiveness vs. Double-mindedness- The ability to finalize difficult decisions based on the will and ways of God (James 1:5)

15. Dedication vs. Wavering Establishing a razor sharp focus and dedication in my relationships with God and others, as well as my life purpose, for God’s glory (Colossians 3:17)

16. Deference vs. Rudeness- Limiting my own personal freedom in order to not offend the tastes of those whom God has called me to serve (Romans 14:21) and showing proper respect and honor to others above my own selfish interests or inclinations

17. Dependability vs. Inconsistency– Fulfilling what I consented to do even if it means unexpected sacrifice (Psalm 15:4)

18. Determination vs. Faintheartedness– Purposing to accomplish God’s goals in God’s time regardless of the opposition (II Timothy 4:7–8)

19. Diligence vs. Slothfulness Visualizing each task as a special assignment from the Lord and using all my energies to accomplish it (Colossians 3:23)

20. Discernment vs. Judgment– The God-given ability to understand why things happen (I Samuel 16:7)

21. Discretion vs. Simplemindedness The ability to avoid words, actions, and attitudes which could result in undesirable consequences (Proverbs 22:3)

22. Empathy vs. Hard-heartedness/Aloofness Taking the time to genuinely care about others and see things from their perspective by choosing to put myself in their “shoes” and truly taking the time to see how my words and actions could possibly affect them (Colossians 3:12, Romans 12:15)

23. Endurance vs. Giving up The inward strength to withstand stress to accomplish God’s best (Galatians 6:9)

24. Enthusiasm/Excellence vs. Apathy– Expressing with my soul the joy of my spirit (I Thessalonians 5:16,19) and seeking to live my life and use all of my talents to the best of my ability

25. Faith vs. Presumption- Visualizing what God intends to do in a given situation and acting in harmony with it (Hebrews 11:1)

26. Faithfulness vs. Unfaithfulness- Being, and remaining, committed to the people and responsibilities God has entrusted to me and refusing to cheat God, them, or myself out of God’s best (Proverbs 3:3, Luke 16:10)

27. Flexibility vs. Resistance- Not setting my affections on ideas or plans which could be changed by God or others (Colossians 3:2)

28.Forgiveness vs. Bitterness/Rejection– Clearing the record of those who have wronged me and allowing God to love them through me (Ephesians 4:32)

29. Generosity/Hospitality vs. Stinginess Realizing that all I have belongs to God and using it for His purposes (II Corinthians 9:6)

30. Gentleness vs. Harshness Showing personal care and concern in meeting the need of others (I Thessalonians 2:7)

31. Gratefulness vs. Unthankfulness– Making known to God and others in what ways they have benefited my life (I Corinthians 4:7)

32. Honesty vs. LyingCommitting to live a life of truth by being honest with God, myself, and others, and resisting the temptation to tell outright lies, white lies, or partial truths (1 Peter 3:10, Colossians 3:9)

33. Honor vs. Dishonor- Choosing to live a life of honor by being honorable in all of my thoughts, actions, words, and deeds, and highly honoring those God has placed in my life–especially family (Psalm 1, Colossians 3:17)

34. Hospitality vs. Loneliness Cheerfully sharing food, shelter, and spiritual refreshment with family and friends (Hebrews 13:2)

35. Humility vs. Pride Recognizing that it is actually God and others who are responsible for the achievements in my life (James 4:6)

36. Humor/Fun vs. Coldness- Choosing to see the goodness, enjoyment, fun, and humor life has to offer with those God has placed in my life in spite of circumstances (Psalm 27:13, Ecclesiastes 3:1-22)

37. Initiative vs. Unresponsiveness– Recognizing and doing what needs to be done before I am asked to do it (Romans 12:21)

38. Integrity vs. Lack of character- Choosing to live a life of character even when it becomes difficult, realizing that who I am in private reveals my true integrity (Psalm 18:25, Psalm 119:1, Proverbs 2:6-8)

39. Joyfulness vs. Self-pity– The spontaneous enthusiasm of my spirit when my soul is in fellowship with the Lord (Psalm 16:11)

40. Justice vs. Fairness– Keeping myself “in check” and committing to living out personal responsibility to God’s unchanging laws (Micah 6:8)

41. Kindness vs. Harshness– Choosing to be kind in all I do, and maintaining a soft kind heart to others, as well as refusing to be harsh or hardhearted (Luke 6:31, Colossians 3:12-14)

42. Knowledge vs. SimplemindednessMaking the decision to be in awe of God and better myself every single day by learning as much as I can so as to avoid living an unwise simpleminded life (Proverbs 18:15, Proverbs 1:7)

43. Leadership vs. Wavering– Using my leadership wisely by investing in and encouraging those underneath my leadership in every way I can to ensure their success (Titus 1:7-14)

44. Love vs. Selfishness Choosing to love God, and my family and friends extravagantly, and giving to others’ basic needs without having as my motive personal reward (I Corinthians 13:3)

45. Loyalty vs. Unfaithfulness Using difficult times to demonstrate my commitment to God and to those whom He has called me to serve (John 15:13) and being loyal to my family and friends

46. Meekness vs. Anger– Yielding my personal rights and expectations to God (Psalm 62:5) and using anger as a signal to warn me of possible self-centeredness

47. Mercy vs. Judgment Choosing to be the mercy and compassion to others today that I would want to receive myself tomorrow (Luke 6:36, Matthew 5:7)

48. Obedience vs. Willfulness Freedom to be creative under the protection of divinely appointed authority (II Corinthians 10:5) as well as going out of my way to respect authority

49. Orderliness vs. Disorganization– Preparing myself and my surroundings so I will achieve the greatest efficiency (I Corinthians 14:40)

50. Patience vs. Restlessness– Accepting a difficult situation from God without giving Him a deadline to remove it (Romans 5:3–4)

51. Peace vs. Contention/Disharmony– Choosing to honor God by being a peacemaker and creating harmony in difficult relationships and situations (II Timothy 2:24)

52. Persuasiveness vs. Contentiousness– Guiding vital truths around another’s mental roadblocks without being offensive or disrespectful (II Timothy 2:24)

53. Punctuality vs. Tardiness Showing high esteem for other people and their time (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

54. Purpose vs. Lack of Focus- Finding out and fulfilling my life purpose, as well as the purpose for any project I am serving on with others, so as to bring ultimate glory to God in my life (Isaiah 43:7, Psalm 139:13-16, Philippians 2:1-4)

55. Purity of Motives vs. Manipulation– Resisting the urge to manipulate people or situations by continually allowing God to purify and refine my heart and motives to be inline with God’s Word and His Will (Zechariah 13:9, Ephesians 5:26)

56. Resilience vs. Quitting/Cowardice- Developing tenacity and refusing to quit while going through trials or hardships and purposefully seeking out God’s heart so that He can refresh and lift me up in His timing…and realizing God has the power to work everything together for the good of every situation (Joshua 1:9, Romans 8:28)

57. Resourcefulness vs. Wastefulness Wise use of that which others would normally overlook or discard (Luke 16:10)

58. Responsibility vs. Unreliability– Knowing and doing what both God and others are expecting from me (Romans 14:12)

59. Restoration vs. Incompleteness– Taking upon myself the responsibility to seek out restoration with God, others, and circumstances when I have been offensive or hurtful to others…and while initiating restoration, allowing God to restore me (Jeremiah 17:14, 2 Chronicles 7:14)

60. Reverence vs. Disrespect– Awareness of how God is working through the people and events in my life to produce the character of Christ in me (Proverbs 23:17–18)

61. Safety vs. Neglectfulness– Taking the time to do my responsibilities the right way and ensuring the safety of others as well as myself (Colossians 3:23)

62. Security vs. Anxiety– Structuring my life around that which is eternal and cannot be destroyed or taken away (John 6:27)

63. Self-Control vs. Self-indulgence Instant obedience to the initial promptings of God’s Spirit as well as obeying God’s Word (Galatians 5:24–25)

64. Sensitivity vs. Callousness– Exercising my senses so I can perceive the true spirit and emotions of those around me (Romans 12:15)

65. Servant’s Heart vs. Taking– Looking for ways to serve God, my family, and others (above myself) so that I can fully invest in them, make a positive impact, and benefit their life (Matthew 23:11, 1 Timothy 5:8, Philippians 2:1-11)

66. Sincerity vs. Hypocrisy/Insincerity Eagerness to do what is right with transparent motives (I Peter 1:22)

67. Teamwork vs. Isolated Independence- Choosing to do what is truly best for everybody involved—whether it is at home, church or work—instead of focusing on my own goals, agenda, or myself (Hebrews 10:24-25, 1 Peter 4:10, 1 Corinthians 12)

68. Thoroughness vs. Incompleteness– Knowing what factors will diminish the effectiveness of my work or words if neglected (Proverbs 18:15)

69. Thriftiness vs. Extravagance– Not allowing myself or others to spend that which is not necessary (Luke 16:11)

70. Tolerance vs. Prejudice Acceptance of others as unique expressions of specific character qualities in varying degrees of maturity (Philippians 2:2)

71. Truthfulness vs. Deception– Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts (Ephesians 4:25)

72. Understanding vs. Lack of Knowledge- Choosing to “seek to understand” people and situations through God’s perspective by searching God’s Word for answers so that I can effectively develop godly knowledge and an understanding heart towards others (2 Timothy 3:16, Proverbs 4:7)

73. Virtue vs. Impurity The moral excellence and purity of spirit that radiate from my life as I obey God’s Word (II Peter 1:3)

74. Vision vs. Apathy– The ability to visualize and realize a vision without becoming apathetic while ultimately helping to accomplish God’s plans and purpose (Philippians 3:14)

75. Wisdom vs. Foolishness/Natural Inclinations Seeing and responding to life’s situations from God’s frame of reference (Proverbs 9:10)

 

The greater the character, the greater the favor one will enjoy in life.

Make all your ways pleasing to God and He will make your paths straight. 

Proverbs 3:5-6, “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.” (AMP)

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim

©2014 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

 
❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays


5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print. 

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.

 

 

For more information on building character, you may wish to check out these resources:

http://www.characterfirst.com/qualities

*Character Qualities: 49 are through IBLP, 26 are my own creation

Click to access characterqualities.pdf

Conflict Resolution During Grief Pt. 2

Conflict is unavoidable in life. 

Conflict will always be a part of life as long as there are people…because people are fallible. People have issues…and people are broken.

We all have our own set of issues, as well as our own ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and desires. We also all have an idea of how WE think life should happen…and how WE think life should work. And then conflict begins…Grief can bring up a ton of conflict. Other times in life, God sometimes allows someone with VERY different issues, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and ideals to cross our path…or they may live with us!

We can view a person we are having conflict with as:

  • sandpaper that gets underneath our skin…or…
  • a divine vessel from God to sand away the negative character qualities and imperfections we have in our own life

Depending on how we view our offender or a situation of conflict, we will either deepen our negative character traits…or…become a better person throughout a trial.

In my last post, I stated, “Ultimately, conflict surfaces because it is one of the enemy’s strongest ways of keeping us from achieving what God wants for us, and what God truly wants for those around us. Conflict continually keeps hurts and problems stirred up…sucking up our extra energy…which prevents us from FULLY achieving God’s Will and His best for our lives. Ultimately, conflict keeps us from TRULY loving God and GENUINELY loving others.” …Think about this for a minute…

So where does conflict originate?

EVERY CONFLICT STEMS FROM ONE ORIGINAL SOURCE: One, or both parties, involved in a conflict has a major character deficit. Character deficits…and the granddaddy of all character deficits–selfishness (pride)–are what conflicts are rooted in.

James 4:1 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Aren’t they caused by the selfish desires that fight to control you?” Our character, and the selfish desires of our heart, try to control us. That is why it is so important to control and develop our own personal character throughout life.

Whatever negative character qualities we do not gain control over, will end up controlling us.

Let me explain: Character is the sum of qualities that a person either possesses or doesn’t possess that dictates every single thought, word, action or deed.

Some people are fortunate to have been trained to have character qualities while growing up; others have not had an opportunity to have developed their character yet.

One thing is for certain though: EVERYBODY can choose to develop their character from this day forward…and by doing so, resolve many conflicts in life, as well as many life difficulties. 

When people go through grief, they may say things that they really do not mean. They may even do things that are not typical of them, too. It takes time for a broken heart to heal and it can take a lot of work to balance out after life has thrown a huge curveball. As a result of grief and loss, normally good character can suffer greatly.

We must continually develop and strengthen our character throughout our lives…because “life” and grief has the ability to change or weaken our character. Since our character can be weakened by life events…or wrong motives or wrong influences we allow into our life…it is imperative to keep a strong “self-check” in place over our character and our hearts.   Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”

Conflict is not always a “They’re wrong and I am right” situation. Conflict can certainly be that, but more often than not, it is simply a lack of character…and the 2 parties involved can not resolve an issue until the character quality is improved and resolved. Without the character quality being defined, improved, and resolved, the offending person no more understands how to resolve the issue than they understand how to develop the character quality itself, making lasting conflict resolution very unlikely.

The more we become Christ-like, the more character our lives will have…and the more we go to God to ask Him to develop His character and the fruits of His Spirit into our lives, the more opportunities we will have to develop them. (By the way, there are solid opportunities to put character, and the fruits of God’s Spirit, into practice during times of conflict…usually, conflict will reveal what is TRULY in a person’s heart…and the amount of genuine character they have. It’s not a fun revelation, but it is genuinely revealing to say the least).

Here is a list of popular character qualities. It is not an exhaustive list, but a most common list. As both parties read the qualities, each truly has the opportunity to take the time to see which qualities they have personally violated towards the person they are in conflict with. Remember, it is not about being “right”…it is about both parties owning their part and RESOLVING the conflict.

Two people can absolutely tear each other apart with arguments and divisions…without seeing any positive resolution at all. So, doesn’t it make sense to battle and change the negative character instead of battling the same topics over and over again?

Galatians 5:15 shares, “If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart [biting and devouring one another], be careful, or you will completely destroy [or consume] each other.”

Take a moment and look at the following list of character qualities, along with the negative character trait associated with the needed positive character quality for conflict resolution. A lot of times, if someone cannot pin point a character quality that is needed to resolve an issue, they can most likely pin point the negative trait that is being displayed. Find the negative character quality that is being shown and then develop the opposite (positive) character quality to better the situation.

Majority of people do not merely react to another person; they react to a person’s character/lack of character…or guiding life principles/lack of principles…or values/lack of values.

Whether it is conflict during grief, or conflict within a marriage or family relationship, church/religion-based relationships, work relationships, or any other conflict or relationship…majority can be resolved when fixing the root…which is fixing the underlying character issues.

2 people then are not fighting each other…they are overcoming negative character qualities together.

Some may refuse to work on issues, their character, or relationships (due to being stubborn, or maybe being deeply hurt by a situation or another person), so they choose to cut off or remove their self from the situation. Regardless of what one chooses…and that is truly between them and God…their negative character traits will follow them into a new relationship or situation. And the lessons usually get harder and much more difficult. God rarely allows us to be offensive, or refuse to obey His ways for conflict resolution, and then walk off and be blessed. He usually sends a much more cruel messenger or situation to motivate us to change our character and our ways. It’s just the way it works!

So, why choose to work on it…especially when you truly do not want to?…It makes much more sense to develop our own character…whether another person does or not…and whether a situation changes or not…because we have to look at ourselves in the mirror each and every day the rest of our lives regardless of the outcome of our conflict. We ultimately do our part to please God.

Consider these most common character traits that can be lacking. The anecdote is for each person to do a self check to truly see which negative character trait they are exhibiting, so that they can clearly figure out how to develop the positive character trait for lasting results in conflict resolution:

(Before reading this list, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you which character qualities you need to develop and work on. Don’t be discouraged, everybody has MANY qualities they need to develop!)

Acceptance vs. Rejection

Adaptability vs. Stubbornness

Alertness vs. Unawareness

Attentiveness vs. Unconcern

Authenticity vs. Fakeness/Hypocrisy

Availability vs. Self-centeredness

Being Under Authority vs. Selfish Rebellion

Benefit of the Doubt vs. Harsh Judgment

Boldness vs. Fearfulness

Cautiousness vs. Rashness

Civility vs. Incivility

Communication vs. Lacking Communication

Compassion vs. Indifference

Community/Family vs. Isolation

Contentment vs. Covetousness

Cooperation vs. Rebellion

Courage vs. Cowardice

Courtesy vs. Rudeness

Creativity vs. Underachievement/Dullness

Decisiveness vs. Double-mindedness

Dedication vs. Wavering

Deference vs. Rudeness

Dependability vs. Inconsistency

Determination vs. Faintheartedness

Diligence vs. Slothfulness 

Discernment vs. Judgment

Discretion vs. Simplemindedness

Empathy vs. Hard-heartedness

Endurance vs. Giving up

Excellence vs. Apathy

Faith vs. Presumption

Faithfulness vs. Unfaithfulness

Flexibility vs. Resistance

Forgiveness vs. Bitterness

Generosity/Hospitality vs. Stinginess

Gentleness vs. Harshness

Gratefulness vs. Unthankfulness

Hardworking vs. Entitlement

Harmony vs. Jealousy

Honesty vs. Lying

Honor vs. Dishonor

Humility vs. Pride

Humor/Fun vs. Coldness/Refusal to connect

Initiative vs. Unresponsiveness

Integrity vs. Lack of Morals

Joyfulness vs. Self-pity

Justice vs. Fairness

Kindness vs. Harshness

Leadership vs. Wavering

Love vs. Hate/Pride/Selfishness

Loyalty vs. Betrayal

Meekness vs. Anger

Mercy vs. Judgment/Judging

Obedience vs. Willfulness

Orderliness vs. Disorganization

Patience vs. Impatience/Restlessness

Peace vs. Contention/Disharmony

Positivity vs. Negativity

Punctuality vs. Tardiness

Purpose vs. Cluelessness/Flightiness

Purity/Virtue vs. Impurity

Purity of Motives vs. Manipulation

Resilience vs. Quitting

Resourcefulness/Conservation vs. Wastefulness

Responsibility vs. Unreliability

Respect/Reverence vs. Disrespect

Safety vs. Carelessness

Security vs. Anxiety

Self-Control vs. Self-indulgence

Self-Discipline vs. Undisciplined

Selflessness vs. Selfishness

Sensitivity vs. Callousness

Servant’s Heart vs. Haughtiness

Sincerity vs. Insincerity

Teamwork/Unity vs. Competitiveness/”Me” Attitude

Thankfulness vs. Complaining

Thoroughness vs. Incompleteness

Thriftiness vs. Extravagance

Tolerance vs. Prejudice

Trust vs. Mistrust

Truthfulness vs. Deception

Unity vs. Division

Vision vs. Apathy

Wisdom vs. Foolishness/Natural Inclinations

Take a few days to truly think about these character traits, the positive and the negative, and then pray about how you are going to further strengthen the good traits you have, as well as how best to develop and work  on the negative traits you have too. We ALL have both positive and negative traits and one of the greatest things about life is that we have the grand opportunity to continually better ourselves. When we love God and love others….and we choose to actively better the lives of others, and better ourselves, good things have a way of entering into our lives.

Everybody at some point has failed in a situation or a relationship…but keep in mind: “Failure is an event, never a person”…as long as you have breath in you today, you can improve your life and your character! And improving your character will always lead to a better life, better relationships, and the ability to resolve conflict!

Next post, I will be writing about how to develop each of the character qualities above. Stay tuned! 🙂

©2014 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

❤️Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

❤️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

❤️Kim’s blog: www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays


5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print. 

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.