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Grief & Holidays—helpful tip #9

Dec23

Situations of grief can bring you to – and leave you in – a bad place mentally, spiritually, and emotionally if you don’t carefully guard your heart. And the holidays can bring major temptations when going through grief or loss.

Life and grief can both be seriously unfair…and both can throw you for a loop.

Since life doesn’t offer an instruction book on grief, many are ill equipped to know what to do with their tough emotions and can then be vulnerable to making poor decisions.

Grief is highly emotional…and illogical. When going through grief or life challenges, you can become desperate to feel better. So, choices made while going through grief can be illogical, too.

Today’s holiday tip: Guard your spirit, heart, thoughts and emotions, and be very careful not to succumb to addictions or to self-medicating your pain.

Addictions come in many forms. The most common addictions are alcohol, drugs, prescription drugs, staying constantly busy so as to not think about your grief as much, accruing massive debt due to over shopping or gambling, extreme dieting or fitness, adultery/sexual addictions, or overeating. There are many other addictions, but these are probably the most common.

Addictions have a way of making you feel temporarily better, yet they always make you pay a much higher price than you’d ever want to pay. It’s like borrowing $5 but then having to pay back $50,000. And you’re not guaranteed the consequences will be easy or immediate…sometimes they’ll show up years later – even affecting future generations.

Addictions and self-medicating will leave you with guilt, regrets, additional brokenness, and compounded grief. They will also prove to be extremely costly and damaging to your family, relationships, and finances.

So how can you feel better?

It’s not easy, but it is absolute truth: embrace your grief, learn every life lesson you can from it, and grow through it.

There just are no good detours to getting through grief. You can’t go around it, over it, under it, or fast forward through it…you have to go through it in God’s timing.

When my son was little, one of his favorite games was Candy Land. He always hated landing on the spot that had the ladder that slid him right back to the very beginning of the game. That’s exactly what addictions will do…slide you right back down a ladder that makes you start all over again in your grief. It’s far better to go through your grief and avoid/prevent any further loss.

Wherever you are at this holiday season, be sure to never foolishly put yourself in a bad situation or an unwise place where it will end up starting, tempting, or feeding an addiction. Surround yourself with good people and only go to wise places where you know you can truly guard your heart and life.

If you’ve already given in to addictions, consider getting help so you can overcome them. Many people in my grief group who have struggled with addictions have attended Celebrate Recovery and have reported wonderful and amazing things. Feel free to check Celebrate Recovery here: http://www.celebraterecovery.com
You can also hear a helpful message about CR from Rick Warren here: https://www.celebraterecovery.com/index.php/about-us/message-from-rick-warren

Going through hurts and needing help is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, getting the encouragement and help you need takes a lot of courage.

I also believe it can be very effective to value the amazing creation God made you to be. I’m a big advocate of pursuing spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional wellness. Scheduling daily time with God and loved ones, scheduling daily time to exercise, relax, self reflect, and making time for personal enrichment are all very important.

Your life is important and so very precious! Seek to make every single day of your life count and always seek ways to better yourself, grow through your grief and struggles, so you are freed up to live a good life.

May everybody enjoy a peaceful Christmas filled with love, wisdom, health, and encouragement!

Gratitude & many blessings,
Kim

©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️If you were encouraged by this post, please feel free to share it to encourage others!

⭐️For more encouragement:

🎄Making peace with God: http://peacewithgod.net

❤️Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (Kim’s book): Click here for book

⭐️Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

🎄Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

❤️FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

5. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Christmas: http://bible.com/r/3V5

6. Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: Happy New Year!: http://bible.com/r/3Zv

7. Valentine’s Day: Experiencing Holidays With Jesus: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14059-valentines-day-experiencing-holidays-with-jesus

⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is copyright protected material. Please ask for permission to copy, use, or print.

⭐️⭐️All content on the Grief Bites blog and website is for encouragement purposes only and is not in any way to be construed as medical, emotional, mental, relational, or psychological advice. We hope to serve as a bridge to encourage others by sharing our personal grief and life experiences. Please contact a qualified healthcare professional, mental health professional, or qualified pastor for guidance and advice.

🎄❤️🎄

Rejoicing & Mourning

Nov6

Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

Ahh! One of the most difficult verses to follow in the Bible! 

There are some people who rock when it comes to obeying this verse, but for some, it’s a verse that leaves them uncomfortably exposed. Most people fall somewhere in the middle.

Every person on earth will go through times of great rejoicing and great mourning. So why do people not actively choose to always rejoice or mourn with others?

We live in a world where people aren’t quite sure how to handle grief and deep mourning, and on the flip side, people resent the good in other’s lives—frequently turning towards jealousy instead of celebrating and rejoicing all of the good.

I think there’s many reasons, but four primary reasons stand out for both.

People don’t mourn with others because:

  1. It’s time consuming. It truly takes time and a selfless commitment to grieve with others and to genuinely care and be there for them throughout grief and the hardships they face in life.
  2. People are scared or uncomfortable. They don’t know what to say, what to do, or how to effectively help others who grieve. They also clearly understand that a similar grief event could happen to them or to their loved ones.
  3. It’s messy. Grief is messy business. The emotions people go through during grief, a life challenge, or a poor decision in life are very messy. People can act their worst and you never know what you’re going to get day-to-day.
  4. It exposes what’s in our own heart. When you’re helping another person, it truly reveals so much about ourself, our character, and our depth. As we help others to grow through grief or a hardship, it often forces us to be vulnerable and grow as well. And that can be very uncomfortable.

People don’t always celebrate with others because:

  1. Jealousy and envy. We see someone enjoy success and we wish we were being blessed in a same or similar way. Someone has it better than us or seems to enjoy life more, and instead of learning from them how to have a better life, we begrudge the goodness they’ve obtained.
  2. Things aren’t going well in our own lives. We see someone happy and we wish we held the same joy in our own life. We resent the hardships we’re experiencing and secretly wish our own lives were better. We may have lost someone or something special, such as a treasured loved one, job, health—it could be anything—and all we know is our life isn’t what we want it to be. Some things in life, we can change; other things, we can’t.
  3. It’s an irritating reminder that we aren’t committed to our own wellness or we aren’t creating/living our own “best life.” When we see the goodness in other’s lives, it rarely “just happened.” Majority of the time, a lot of work and sacrifice went into a person living out their dreams. If we put as much effort into our own wellness, success, or relationships…instead of begrudging another person…we’d see a similar amount of blessing in our own circumstances or life. Not always…but many times, we would. When I feel tempted to be jealous of another person, I’ve trained myself to immediately self-reflect and to look for places in my own life to improve. Nobody likes to be reminded that they weren’t true to their self or that they betrayed their self by not living out their best life possible. That’s the biggest reason people resent celebrating with others.
  4. We feel threatened. When people are living a great life, or good things are happening in other people’s lives, we can feel threatened. Competition mode sets in and nobody likes to feel inferior or like a failure.

The thing is…whether going through grief or great things in life, it all comes down to the heart. We can choose to have a good heart that rejoices with others and mourns with them, and take the time to learn from other people and their lives—or—we can choose to have a poor, undeveloped heart that refuses to rejoice and celebrate with others, or we can refuse to grow as we neglect our own self improvement.

A good heart realizes it must continually grow, so it can eventually experience good things in life; but a poor heart will choose to become bitter, hardened, and will eventually die a little bit more each and every day. The great thing is this: we all have the power to choose what kind of heart we will have, and we have the opportunity to better the lives of our family and friends, as well as our own heart and life every single day.

If everybody would follow Romans 12:15, what an incredible difference it would make inside homes, marriages, friendships, parenting, churches, workplaces, and, ultimately, in the world! We all would have the ability to live much richer, more enjoyable lives!

Romans 12:15 basically says: when good things happen in other’s lives, be happy for them, celebrating God’s goodness with them—be incredibly happy for the favor in their lives—and when people are hurting, fallen, or struggling, be there for them, encourage them, love on them, and HELP THEM UP. Love your family and friends back to life!

To do only one of these, makes life unbalanced. The world needs people who are willing and committed to doing both.

I like what Lysa TerQuerst says about rejoicing with others, “There’s enough space for all of us to thrive in our gifts. Whether you paint, do lettering, take photos, sing, write, speak, dance, decorate, give fashion advice, or any other artistic expression… Do you. The world needs your brand of beautiful. And the world needs the best version of you.

Don’t listen to the enemy’s wicked whispers. The enemy wants you to feel threatened, suspicious, and skeptical. Resistant to cheer another on who does the same thing as you. But here’s what I know for sure. When we don’t love and cheer on others, we start to shrink.  We have less to give. We hold back. And we become wilted and withered. It’s in the cheering on of another that we ourselves bloom and blossom and show we can be trusted with more beauty.”

How cool it is when everybody accepts…and cheers on…one another’s gifts, greatly rejoicing in all the good things that happen in their loved one’s lives, while taking the time to mourn with their family and friends, too!

When sad, tragic, and bad things happen in the lives of others, or they are deeply struggling, that’s the time a person most needs others to build them back up. We live in a world where people have a tendency to avoid those who hurt…sometimes even discarding, rejecting, or throwing them away…which adds to the hurting person’s heartache, discouragement, and pain.

Getting involved can be time consuming, but helping others and loving them is what life is primarily about. 

…And you never know when you may need someone to be there for you, because we all are literally one choice away from majorly changing our lives…for the good or for the bad.

When you go through grief, you understand the mourning part of the above mentioned bible verse on a much deeper level. God may even open your eyes today to people who have hurt in the past that you may not have been there for, or to others who are hurting right now and you can perceive it better…especially if they are going through a similar situation as you or a situation you or a loved one has been through in the past.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, help the broken, and mourn with those who mourn….These are some of the greatest situations and opportunities to TRULY be the most like Christ.

Love God, love others, especially at the greatest and the messiest times in others lives! The world needs more people who aren’t afraid of being inconvenienced by messy!

To celebrate and grieve with others are both ways of greatly honoring and showing deference to the people God has placed in our lives. When we show honor to others, we ultimately show honor to God—and food for thought—we also actively show others…especially the world…what we think about Him.

Who have you failed to rejoice with or mourn with? Take the time to contact them today and show honor to them. Actively care.

Who can you rejoice with and mourn with TODAY? Always seek to look for opportunities to rejoice with others and to mourn with others…every single day.

Be the love, celebration, mercy, encouragement, help, and compassion TODAY that YOU hope to receive TOMORROW!

We all will have experiences in life where we will need both rejoicing and mourning.

Choose to be a sincere rejoicer and genuine mourner in other people’s lives, and allow others to rejoice and mourn with you during your celebrations and losses today, too!

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim

©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.


For more encouragement:

Blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): Click here for book

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships 

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed 

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites 

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1964-grief-bites-hope-for-the-holidays

You’re In More Control Than You Think

Oct29

Grief, stress, “life,” and the people around you can definitely have a profound affect on you, as well as affect the overall quality of your life. Until a few years ago, I never could have realized how much of an affect.

Then I got sick. Really, really sick.

At the time, I was used to running 3-5 miles a day, playing disc golf several times a week, practicing tae kwon do daily, and basically doing whatever I wanted physically…because I had the ability to do so.

Then I not only got really sick…I completely lost my health.

It took me almost four years to rebuild my immune system and get my health back…and during that time, I couldn’t hardly do anything but sit. And sometimes, just sitting was painful. Some days were so bad, I couldn’t even get out of bed. My veins throughout my entire body felt as though fire was traveling through them, my hair started falling out, the fatigue and pain were both debilitating, and the weight gain began rapidly even though I was a very health-minded, clean eater.

My doctors explained to me that my illness was created due to prolonged stress…and the illness would be lifelong, attached to me like permanent superglue. They explained the difference between having typical day-to-day stress and being distressed to where the stress becomes toxic.

After I found out my illness could’ve been prevented (had I only simply set boundaries and controlled my surroundings and the people/stress I allowed into my life) I went through many emotions. Sadness because my illness wasn’t curable. Unforgiveness – for a period of time – at certain people or situations that had created extreme stress or hurt. Anger towards myself for not setting better and stronger boundaries. Fear because, at the time, I had no idea how to control my illness or its debilitating symptoms. Grief…because life as I previously knew it was over.

I felt as though I was thrown into oblivion and I had to figure life out all over again….what to eat, so as to not trigger or make my symptoms worse…what to do medically, so I could understand what the best medicines, supplements, and prescriptions were for regaining my health…what work or social events to accept or decline based on my health…which people to be around—or to not be around—so stress wouldn’t trigger symptoms…what to do spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally so I could prepare my heart to fight for my health (talk about self-work!). I was knocked down and wasn’t sure how to get back up.

It was a scary time of completely reevaluating my entire life in every area so I could regain my health…and prevent new and additional illnesses from forming.

This health crisis allowed me to find out something new that I had never realized before: I was so much more in control than what I had previously thought or realized.

I found that if I couldn’t control the actions of others, my circumstances, my grief experiences, or my environment, I COULD at least control the actions, thoughts, as well as the emotional and spiritual health, of myself. I had complete control over me and I had complete control over what I allowed to go on around me and inside my own heart.

As I worked with my specialists to regain my health, I intentionally removed anything and everything toxic in my life: toxic foods, toxic habits, toxic thoughts, toxic emotional baggage, toxic situations, toxic unwise schedules, and toxic people. This was difficult to do, but I wasn’t willing for my health to further deteriorate. Courage became necessary to regain my quality of life, and at the time, courage wasn’t exactly my forte. Having the knowledge my illness was lifelong, I realized this wasn’t going to be a quick fix—anything I did had to be “all-in” and longterm.

As I repaired my health, and my rheumatologist, hematologist, and endocrinologist conveyed the importance of a stress-free lifestyle, I realized just how much power stress has on a person’s wellness. As I took the steps to regain my health, I often wondered if my sister possibly could’ve prevented her illness (or death) had she only had the knowledge about the stress and illness correlation.

Whether it’s an illness, grief, trials, life circumstances…anything…we all are so much more in control than we think. I’ve been surprised by my strength to overcome obstacles in dealing with getting well. I know I never would’ve refined and sifted the contents of my life had I not been forced into doing so due to becoming ill.

Like anything I go through in life, I always try to find something good that can come out of any trial. The good that came out of my illness is I found out so much about life and myself: that health and wellness are absolute gifts that should never be taken for granted…what I’m willing to tolerate or put up with and what I’m not…what I love about life and what I don’t…that God is an incredible Friend and Comforter…that life is a gift to never be wasted…I also learned about setting wise boundaries and priorities…and I learned life doesn’t just have “to happen” and I don’t have to just roll with the punches—I learned that I am so much more in control than I previously thought.

It took me almost 4 years to regain my health, but I’m so glad God allowed healing to take place and allowed me to realize I had a lot of control over my life, illness, and wellness.

The thoughts that ran through my mind while I was at my sickest, I’ll share with you. They tremendously helped me and put my life in perspective. Maybe they’ll help someone else today:

What’s plaguing your heart today? What’s weighing you down? What’s preventing you from living life to the fullest? What past baggage is controlling your present life? What’s keeping you from fully knowing, loving, and enjoying God? What is your life purpose and how do you plan to cooperate with God to fulfill it? What’s keeping you from fully loving and enjoying your family and friends? What changes do you need to make to have better health? What kind of life do you want and what steps can you take to achieve it? What courage and character qualities do you need to develop to see you through? What do you need to do today to make all of this a reality?

Every morning I’d say two things to myself (I still do):

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life…make every ounce of it count”

“If it is to be, it’s up to me”

Consider if you’re truly happy with your wellness and the way life is going…or if you need to change things or tune life up.

You’re in more control than you think!

Gratitude & blessings,

Kim

A few inspiring websites* that may be helpful~

(*websites are for encouragement purposes only and are not an endorsement. View websites at own risk.)

©2015 Grief Bites. All rights reserved.

❤️

For more encouragement:

Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You (book): Click here for Kim’s book

Kim’s blog: http://www.griefbites.com

Connect on Facebook by “liking” page: http://www.facebook.com/GettingYourBreathBackAfterGrief

FREE YouVersion reading plans:

1. Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardships: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/912-grief-bites-finding-treasure-in-hardships

2. Grief Bites: Doubt Revealed: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/954-grief-bites-doubt-revealed

3. Grief Bites: A New Approach To Growing Through Grief: https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/862-grief-bites

4. Grief Bites: Hope For The Holidays: (Coming November 4, 2015)